No Pause in the March of the Universe

“New Year's Eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted...”~Hamilton Wright Mabie

I read this today and sighed a bit of relief. Except for the overwhelmingly marketed holiday of NYE! certainly it has no real meaning..not that I don't love the celebration. This year I am being pretty quite with a couple of bottles of white wine and one of my very best friends, as we joyously and often hysterically will welcome in the new year. But in years past I have done the whole going out party thing and really do like it.

Yet, really it is all meaningless. The universe does keep marching. Our lives keep marching as well. The clock goes on and on. But tonight does have special meaning for me. I am letting go of 2009, which as been my toughest year, I am letting it all go, letting it all go. I have spent countless hours weeping and having bad dreams. Yet found a bit of magic to blow into, with writing and painting and running and gardening and yoga-ing :) and laughing with some very dear friends, who held me up and

celebrated

me.

I still wish, wish, wish, I could wave a magic wand and have the life I dreamt of for so long, the life I tried to make real for so long, to have "him" work out, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it would all be so. But this was the year to face the reality, that it was never meant to be, I only stretched out the ending for almost 20 years. So I am letting it all go, and still it is very hard.

Marley and Me and Me

One year ago I sat crying in a theater watching "Marley and Me." I had no idea the impact that the film would have on me in that moment in time. I really had no grasp, in real time, that my marriage and the life I knew was literally unraveling before my eyes. Quickly. The threads were like in fast forward, just undoing themselves so rapidly, that there was no fix. And yet, even so, I could not totally see it. Sounds so ridiculous. I suppose in the darkest hour there is always some false hope, that tomorrow will be the "new day," and all of "this" will float away. But that did not happen.

I was so upset by the movie last year, I knew I had to let it go, because I could just keeping falling and falling apart. That was to be the precursor for so much of 2009. If I did not keep myself in check, and quite often, I was afraid that I would just keep falling and never be able to come back. I don't think I have ever experienced such overwhelming heartbreak and grief. It really is beyond my words. And I am alone in this journey for the most part, because most of those I know cannot comprehend the emotions I have for someone who they do not deem worth it. (And I cannot disagree with them in the practical sense..) It is beyond that though, it is the loss of the dream, my dream I dreamt a long time ago.

So it is almost funny that today I sat down to watch the movie again, and had no idea that it was exactly one year ago that I saw the movie, to the day. I watched it a bit differently this time, as now I have faced my demons of the life I did not really ever have, for what I was hiding from last December, I can no longer hide from. Not at all. It is all gone, it is over. So a bit of that unbearable strain, of not speaking as to not make it a reality, well that is no longer pulling on me. It is a reality for all to see now. But I still feel like I could lose myself in sorrow watching it, and just fall away, and again I cannot, as my daughter and her friend play, I just cannot fall away. Almost like a safety net I suppose.

Since seeing the movie last year, one of our two dogs died, and I was quite broken hearted..I knew his time was ending, he died when my husband was moving, which created heartbreak beyond belief. The other has held on, yet his time seems near, and it is so difficult that all of that is really not part of my life anymore, as he does not live with me, and there is no back and forth, I just cannot do it, it would be way too much for me, and I feel bad, as he must wonder about it all.

I still dream the dream that the movie holds for me. A really commited family life, a husband who is crazy about his wife and children and lives it all so fully. The dog...of course. And the writing, my dream job. Funny, but he and the movie inspired me so much to write (as I am sure it inspired so many.) Even if I never go anywhere, I believe I am leaving some sort of legacy as to who I am.

I guess the big difference between this day in 2009 and this day in 2008, is that I am on a path I am creating, and that I will carry myself through and forever long as I need to. I have lost an attachment that I never wanted to let go, and wish I could have back, but know it will never be. I am with that thought this day this year, and last year I was not ready to accept that, I could not, as I was afraid I might not survive it.

100

"I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy,
Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live."

Today is 100. 100 blogs running and stumbling along, across this virtual little world of mine, Finding Saratoga.

I don't even recall what my purpose was over one year ago when I decided to start a blog. Maybe that was the beauty of it. Somehow I was being led. I remember hearing the word "blog" for the first time, quite well. I was driving in Northern California to a sales appointment, and listening to one of my favorite talk show hosts ever, Ron Owens, and he was talking about blogs. I had no idea what it was. I wish it did not take me like 6 years to finally get one going, oh well. But I did get one going, and I have reached quite a milestone, I have written 100 blogs for your reading pleasure :) or maybe to save myself.

I did not know when I started it over one year ago, that it would somehow become some sort of savior to me, my little piece of the virtual world, a place for me to find me, or possibly lose me, as has often been the case, losing myself in despair and tears. But none the less I have held on, and asked myself to stay committed, who knows where it will all go, maybe nowhere, but I hope it is some sort of path, I really do.

When I was thinking the number "100" I could not help but think of the Five for Fighting song "100 Years." Funny, how we often think we know the words as we are singing..But I never knew the words "...The sea is high, And I'm heading into a crisis" maybe it is better I did not know..funny because that very well sums up my 44-45th year..and I am well aware that I am "..chasing the years of my life.." That line has always made me choke up. It is almost like I cannot spend too much time with that line, because it makes me so sad. While I am glad to be mostly unscathed from the life I have led the past 20 years, and I am lucky..but I also feel overwhelmed at times that the best of my times are behind me, rather the years I had to make the best of times, I let them fade and flounder and did not take my life seriously, the value of "me." Oh dear god, please don't let me cry again, I have come so far for quite some time now. But see, it is this thought, this mourning for what never was, and what has transpired before my eyes that I did not see, and now chasing down my life as I feel my youth is running so fast out the door, this, this is what still rocks me to my core. And I would really like to be with that thought, not that it will really get me anywhere..but the life we lead these days, with a self help book to solve every issue, a support group for every thought and action, it is almost not allowed to mourn for what society has deemed too long. But I do still mourn.

Steps

"There is no glimpse of the light without walking the path. You can't get it from anyone else, nor can you give it to anyone. Just take whatever steps seem easiest for you, and as you take a few steps it will be easier for you to take a few more.”~Peace Pilgrim

This happens to be a great quote to sum up my year. In the beginning of the year I felt totally in the dark, but did not know I was in the dark. I wondered why I felt so alone, so distraught, so sad, so wanting to run away, but to where? It was like I could not wake up. And yet I knew I was on some sort of path, that I had to stay whatever course I was mapping out for myself, because the course I was living was an absolute dead end, and it was going to kill my spirit. So I walked the path. No, I crawled the path. And wept along the path. It was by far the worst path in 45 years. But I had to do it, I had no choice. And that was clear. There was no option. I could not allow me to kill my spirit, to cheapen and lessen who I really was--hadn't I done that far too long?

I cannot really say it got any easier, but more so that I got used to it. It became my new reality, and in m a n y ways it is such a far superior reality to the one I was living. But no matter how many steps I take, it is not any easier to leave the life I wanted. It still sits with me, on my shoulder, a yearning that was never fulfilled, only in fantasy. And that is not any easier. I find myself still lost at any moment in it all. I was cleaning leaves, again, in the yard the other Sunday morning, and a light snow was falling, and my tears fell, almost as comfort in a way, for I was not so much sad, but just remembering so many feelings, it was in a way quite beautiful, in the still and quiet of the morning.

It is all part of the path. It only goes in one direction. I really have no idea where I am going, only what I am leaving behind.

Tiger Woods Take 3

Okay can I just say "barf" when Tigey says he is going to take a break from pro golf and work on his relationship with his wife and kids. Yeah right. Like suddenly he is going to be making pancakes for breakfast and changing diapers. It does not work that way. One is not a total sleaze one minute and Mr Clean Cut Husband and Dad the next..well I guess it did work for him, for a
l o n g time!! But that is over now, gone, kaput. There is no going back. Whatever he does now can never change what he did.

Beyond unbelievable. I mean the number is like 13 now..? And porn stars and hookers (so they say..) it is so bizarre. A total sex addict, clearly. NO regard for his wife. Like he had a total secret life..I am amazed it stayed secret that long..there must have been a lot of enablers in the pot, I mean, no ho ever came out to the press, wow, this was so hidden.

And now it is not. I hope he loses all his endorsements and his family. No I am not a mean cold hearted bitch, quite the opposite. But he made his bed, ugh what a term, so now he can sleep in it (with them..)

Please. I hope Elin runs the other direction and fast, and never turns back to turn into a pillar of salt. He cannot change, this is not a mistake, this is who he is. He is only sorry he got CAUGHT.
He makes Clinton and Spitzer and all the rest look like choir boys in comparison. Elin is young and beautiful, with her whole life ahead of her, please don't throw it away on Mr. Trash.

I know. I have been here. Certainly not in the celebrity light, but I do know. I feel for her. Really, you don't know when you are in it. It is so well hidden, the person becomes so adept at the lying and deception that you really believe it, because you are a trusting person. And..to go the other way, is to throw away the whole life you have just built with this person, and that is a daunting task..so you just don't see it, even though there might be subtle clues. She has 100% NOTHING to do with his SEX ADDICTION..he is the problem. She was just an innocent bystander who got sucked in. But if she stays..now she becomes his enabler. I hope while he hides out she figures out she has to make her escape now. Run. Don't look back.

Tiger the Narcissist

Weird. I don't know why it took me so long when the s**t hit the fan with the Tiger firestorm to put 2 and 2 together.........he is a total, 100% narcissist. Maybe when I heard something about his mom, about her knowing what was going on..I started to process it differently in my mind and then like a bolt from the blue,
N A R C I S S I S T popped in. Clear as a bell.

He is "special" in his mind. Rules do NOT apply to him (boy do I have experience with that trait with someone I know all too well.) and the list ..

Glibness/superficial charm
Grandiose sense of self-worth
Pathological lying
Cunning/manipulative
Lack of remorse or guilt
Shallow
Callous/lack of empathy
Failure to accept responsibility for own actions
AND incurably unfaithful--sex addiction and narcissism run hand in hand--they are connected!!

Yep these all now sum him up--don't know how I missed it, after all I have been through for 20 years in my own life, my radar should be sharper..

I think it was the sex part that finally got it for me--the "babes" just keep coming out of the woodwork--and unbelievably they all felt special to him. And his wife, I bet on some level, at least in the beginning she had no idea. Classic "look good/trophy wife" total narcissist trait. Looks like the clean cut family man, NOT.

This just reeks so much of narcissism that I can barely breathe. I am amazed he has gotten this far, I guess plenty of enabling going on. I love that he has so been caught. Yes maybe his career and endorsements might go on, maybe..but his wife, she should run in the other direction, FAST. She is way too young to throw her life away with him. He will NEVER change, it is who he is. The kids are young enough, leave now before they are used to the whole scene. He really only cares about himself, he is all that matters. Somewhere back in early childhood his parents created him like this, and there is no going back.

Failed Recipes

I feel like I am in my only little court room in my head and I really want to leave. Even though I have the email from me to prove my point, there is still, like in a cartoon, a little character who sits on my shoulder and bugs me, although I am getting better these days at knocking it away. I have been conditioned for so long to take some sort of blame for things and people, and the slightest accusation my way, when even sandwiched with something else, well, it is hard for me.

Couple that with all the emotions that come up with seeing and talking to "him" be it ever so brief, it still reaches to the very depths of me and throws me off my center so far, I have to catch myself before I start falling. I notice it is not immediate, almost like the survivor instinct kicks in, but later, later, it follows me.

Like a recipe, with so many ingredients needed to get it just right, that is how so much of life is with certain people floating around in it. A little too much here or not enough there, and the recipe, at least for that day or even small moment, does not come out.It is tough to have failed recipes, just sitting there on the table, with no one eager to jump in. I clearly had a recipe that did not come out, parts of it did I suppose, but as a whole, no.

It is a deep winter's day, and I want to be with it. I don't want to fall into the brief moment of yesterday, reminding me all over again what never was.

Tiger Woods

Okay this is almost unbelievable. Again, I don't know WHY I am always shocked!! This story, it is just TOO much.

I don't follow sports at all. I can name a handful of famous athletes, and could not tell you any stats about them. I think PRO sports figures are wayyyyy over rated, and wayyyyyyyyy overpaid, it is a sport for God's sake!! They are not curing diseases, or helping starving children, or anything else great. But whatever, they play a sport, and well, and society eats it up, and so do the sponsors! Again, all totally bizarre to me. And to totally go in a different direction, Serena or is it Venus (I really don't remember) has her name and image attached to a Tampax print ad, and I think, "Good God, don't you have like a zillion dollars!! Do you really want your name stuck with a tampon commercial?" Anyhow this is not about that...

Of course I know the name Tiger Woods. We all do. I knew he was a really good golfer, and a prodigy since like age 3. I knew he had a beautiful wife who gave him 2 cute kids. I thought he was some squeaky clean guy, a good guy. NO. None of my images seem to ever work out. Do we all feel this way--women at least?

I see the headlines the other day, and thought the car crash sounded weird, but whatever. I don't usually read The National Enquirer so I had no idea about the story that had broke. By the way, I think most of the stuff in there, for the most part, has some element of truth. Celebrities like to deny it up and down, but almost always there is something true about it. I look at the dope Rachel Uchitel, and think what a dope she is..trying so hard to be so important. I don't get how she is some jet setter flying into LAX and hiring Gloria Allred--did I miss something along the way. She denies, it yeah, whatever, maybe. Who knows. She looks like a Hollywood wannabe.

BUT, the story just keeps going. Today bright and early Jamie Grubbs hits the wires, (and she looks a lot like Rachel..they totally have that stupid reality show, 20 something, star look..) and she totally says they had an affair, was it 31 times or something, so funny to keep track!! And she has that desperate voice mail from him that they kept playing on Entertainment Tonight tonight, he sounds like some dumb high school guy. We just could not make this stuff up!! And he pretty much admits to it through a bunch of double talk on his website. Totally caught.

Now I just don't get it. Most people do get caught, at some point, accidentally or out in the open they get caught. Like it IS going to happen. BUT if you are a HUGE star, the whole planet knows who you are, then forget about it. And certainly not with some trampy ho, who has NO values and does not care at all about you or your family, only their own pathetic search for fame...and when you have a gorgeous wife at home, really!! And his wife was pregnant with his child when he is out cheating..I mean, again we cannot make this stuff up.

I am dumbfounded. I wonder when things will lose their shock value. I might be too old. Maybe for the younger gen out there, 35 and below, or 30 and below, nothing is shocking, in fact it is all totally normal. They live in a different reality. A reality show it seems.

He had it all. This might go away and be forgotten. I am not sure. I think he has fallen from grace.

Winter

As the darkest day of the year approaches, I find some comfort in it. As much as I love summer, and hot sunny days, I really am quite drawn to dark, and cold and misty days, with the feeling of snow in the air. It is not so much the image we have all become used to, the fun winter clothes, people smiling in their caps and scarves, and drinking hot drinks by the fire, candles all aglow, but almost more of an unobtainable reach, going back to something I miss, something I recognize.

Winter is the deep, dark, quiet season. Everything appears gone. I love the line in "The Rose"

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love, in the spring
Becomes the rose

Can I say I kind of feel like sleeping beauty these days. Sequestered away in a high castle, covered in thorns, deep asleep, waiting to be reborn. I am not sure if a handsome prince is coming or not, most days I don't think so, I am afraid those days may be gone for me, and I don't like to stay too long in those thoughts, because I find them very sad..but I am hopeful that something is coming for me. That this long sleep will be over.

And while I am and have been asleep waiting for quite some time, there is also another part of me that is vibrantly alive and awake and the depths of winter are within me and I welcome it. I love to think of a cold, quiet, white landscape, with so much silence, and as far as the eye can see there is only solitude. There are no worries there are no dangers, there are no lies. And there I see me floating amongst the white snow in my own little world.

The Number 10

The number 10 is on my mind. I have not written 10 blogs entries in one month...oops, yes I did, last November, but that was a different time, before I fell apart. Doesn't sound hard, but it kind of is, or is it..? I don't know. Creativity is not something that just sits on the shelf and calls out "pick me pick me!" And you take it down and open it up and there is a roadmap of all you will do. It is more like a hidden path, a game of hide and seek, trying to open your locker in 7th grade and forgetting your combination..for me it has tremendous peaks when I am consumed, and then can drop to bleak depths, and I wonder, will I ever have anything else ever again to say? And that is a frightening thought. I hope it does not happen.

So I Googled meanings for the number 10, and there were a whole lot of them. Quite interesting really. This one spoke to me:

The number ten is regarded as the most perfect of numbers, because it contains the Unit that did it all, and the zero, symbol of the matter and the Chaos, of which all came out; it then includes in its figure the created and the non-created, the beginning and the end, the power and the force, the life and the nothing.

Funny. I just wanted to reach 10 blogs in one month as some sort of little milestone to myself. But now I have a whole new thought about the number 10. Maybe there is some sign here. That I made it through the beginning and the end, the life and the nothing, the created and the non created. Just a whole lot of nothingness engulfed in a whole lot of something. And tonight I wish I could unlock that locker, find the wardrobe, whatever..because I feel like there are things setting up before me, but I cannot see them, but there is all this stuff going on, like cotton candy swirling around, light and fluffy and sweet, but disappears so fast. I don't want to miss it. But I don't really feel like I have to do anything, it is all being done for me.

Here and There

This past week I have mostly been out of my present life, and that was oh so good. I don't think I realized how much I liked it, until I was back front and center with my present life, to be able to distinguish the very different reality that seeps in when I am not here. "Here" whatever that means. Here is wherever we go..not so for me. Here is this house, this town, this life I am living that once was a plan, some plan with plans within the plan. Now I am just a visitor to this "here" and mostly wish I could go to "there" instead. Funny, not intentionally, but I really sound like a Dr. Seuss book right now..

Almost by the mile, as I leave this house, this town, this plan that never worked out, as the miles stretch behind me and in front of me, whether by car, plane, or boat (Dr Seuss again..) but really all kidding aside, it is like I leave a dimension, and find some sort of new air, some new space that I can just crawl out of my little snail shell, unwrap myself and stretch out a bit, and all of that, and there is so much of "that" it all just seems to evaporate and I barely recognize it anymore.And that is such a freeing feeling. The feeling I have sought for almost a year now, to run away, and I cannot, which is like some kind of sentence, for a crime I did not commit.

So while I am forced to stay here, and cannot go there, I do so in my writing and my oil paintings, and sometimes in my dreams when they are not haunted, seeking a new me and and a new day..seeking so quietly, in the quiet that has become my here.

Haunted in My Dreams

Lately I have been haunted by dreams. Of him. So life-like, I wake up wondering, recalling what time and space I am in, and letting it all go once again. And I wonder why do I have these dreams, and is he in them in the dream dimension with me, do we somehow meet in my dreams, like dead people do when they come back to see the living in dreams. I suppose that could be true, we now exist in some other dimension. And one day I might not have the dreams anymore, and that is a sad thought, that it will all be gone. Or even more difficult is that I will keep having the dreams, and I will be forever in some other dimension, at least 8 hours a day. My doctor told me she still sometimes dreams of her ex, and she said it in a sad and forlorn way, with tears almost spilling over, and yet she is remarried. I remembered thinking that day, "I don't want to me in that space, one day, whenever that is, I don't want to be in that space," like between 2 dimensions, with legs stretched out between two.

It is most difficult to wake up and let the dream go--the dream I just had and the literal dream of it all as well, letting it go over and over. Then to pack it up into a small little box, and make my bed and stretch around on my pink yoga mat, and try to find some semblance of meaning again, like I keep doing Ground Hog day, over and over and over again.

I too have my legs stretched out between two dimensions--a past and an unknown future. Not secure in either. And my present, well it just is, there really is very little going on, perhaps there are more things going on than I even see, maybe life is rearranging itself right in front of my eyes, and one day, the drape will be removed from the artwork and I will say "wow."

Jumping Off Bridges

I found out today that a lady tried to jump off our local, very high!! bridge last night. Apparently she stopped her car, and was climbing over the ledge, and some guy driving by spotted her and basically came to her rescue. Talking her out of it, along with a few other people, one a very good friend of mine. Seems stress and foreclosure (that is what the article said) were the culprits..I don't know the whole story. I am truly glad they saved her life.

Here is what I do know. Ending one's life is n e v e r the answer, we all know that on some deep level, all it is, is ending one's life. I know, how heart breaking and dismal life can be, but that is life, like the Game of Life, right, we never know what space we will land on (and the game is pretty damn tame.) I know, right now I sound like a callous bitch in a way, (I could put the witch that graces the Carrie blog in for my photo..hah) but I don't mean to sound bad. I just am seeing things differently these days, well sometimes.

First off, jumping off a very high bridge, in the freezing rain down a really long way to freezing deep dark water sounds just awful. Let alone the dying part!! The idea of being really scared, freezing and wet, right there I would never contemplate jumping off a bridge. Sounds nuts, but my mind does work that way. And then what if you don't die right away, or you slowly drown, or you suffer brain damage or paralysis, on and on. But again, jumping off a bridge is not an answer. Just like people this past year have killed their whole family due to financial strain, foreclosure, ruin, these are all awful things, no doubt, and really tough to deal with and move on from, but what else have we but time and so many resources to move forward. There is always at least one person hanging out somewhere, a minister, a long lost friend, a family member, a shelter, someone who lends that first hand, we just have to look for it.

I understand the depths of misery and the doom of lingering despair, that sits around almost laughing at us, so well. I have tried really hard lately to view my life at the 30,000 foot level, the one year later level, the humor in everything level, and really, there are always other ways to look at things. Life is just this weird thing. We have all these rules and expectations and ways things should be, all created by man and somehow became real to us. While we should try to live our best life here, and I mean, honest, loving, true, kind, helpful, and all those glorious qualities, we must at some point realize it is like Horton Hears a Who, and we are all just very small specks in a vast universe that never ends. We matter and yet we don't, that is a difficult balance to comprehend.

Carrie Prejean

I really have not followed this story much. She just seemed like some dumb, disgruntled, fallen beauty queen, yesterday's news, who cares. Even her name, I thought it was "pre jean (like jeans you wear) but no, it is "pra john" if I am saying it correctly, even that just bugs me..oh well.Again, there are so many important, hearbreaking stories out there, her story just seemed so dumb I did not know why it was getting any attention--something about same sex marriage question at the pageant, then problems with the officials with her role, she gets canned--I thought that was funny--I thought that was it..and then she wrote a book, what?..she has a personal sex tape she made when she was 17 that has surfaced..(rumor is she was older than 17..)

Last night when I sat down to eat my dinner by myself, I thought I would flip on Larry King, I always enjoy his interviews, and there sits little Miss Bitch herself, you just want to throw up when you see her. She is so PHONY. She just keeps turning questions into answers somehow to promote her book. I love it when she says she wants to be a voice for young women out there, to give them guidance, to let them know there is no privacy anymore. She is TWENTY TWO, how is she any expert, any role model, any a n y t h i n g?? She is a total nothing. When she said Sarah Palin (gag!) is her role model, that was beyond funny. I think she used words like "great mother, brilliant" and I cannot remember what else because I was gagging!! I almost fell off my chair laughing!! It was like watching something from Saturday Night Live!! And then, she has the audacity to say to Larry King, "Larry, you're being inappropriate. You really are." I mean he is one of the biggest interviewers ever, and here sits some dumb little POS beauty queen being rude to him, it was too much, like who the hell is she!!

Then I read this today..

Keith Lewis, the executive director of the Miss California pageant, is clearly pleased with the outcome of Prejean's recent interviews. "The public is finally getting a glimpse of the real Carrie Prejean who lives in her own delusional world," he said in a statement to E! News. "The childish behavior, her negative attitude, the sarcasm and condescending tone, the disrespect and continual lying she is demonstrating now is only a fraction of what we endured during her reign and after. Anyone who buys her book is supporting a woman who is actually the opposite of everything she claims to be. I sincerely hope she is able to get the psychological help I believe she has shown to clearly need."

Yeppers, that is what I thought, totally delusional, she is a total narcissist (and I am somewhat of an expert..) She did so much harm to herself last night by being such a total fool on his show.
Let's hope her 15 minutes are over, and not a soul buys her dumb book (unfortunately Sarah's book seems to have become a best seller--let's hope her 30 minutes are almost over--what another loser..)

Ugh. These dopey women just need to disappear. They have no sense of reality. Just watching her on Larry King, was like "who the hell does she think she is??" She said she wants to be just regular old Carrie and go back to college. Please do. Please do us all a favor and go enroll in some junior college somewhere and we can forget all about you, or become a porn star!

Colleen Shipman...Victim

I think we all almost forgot about the bizarre love triangle in the astronaut world--Lisa Nowak, Colleen Shipman, Bill Oefelein. It was so bizarre when it first came out, d i a p e r s! I think was what everyone was most intrigued about..c'mon, it has to be one of the first things you think of!! Some crazy women scorned, decides to go "talk" to the other woman, by driving like a bat out of hell in diapers with a car stocked with stuff to kill her (they say) and confronts her at her car at the airport and blasts her with pepper spray. Like a really bad Lifetime movie, if you ask me.

Anyhow, I forgot about the story..I cannot believe it has taken this long for closure. But really this is about Colleen. I always thought Lisa was some kind of wacko, and I still do. I don't really think she is a murderder or a potential one though, just another woman wacked out by being rejected--but what do I know. She only got one year probation and a few other things--one thing to write a "real" letter of apology to Colleen--I am not sure who that benefits?? like Colleen really wants one!! I think she should have gotten way more probation and way more than 50 hours of community service--like 365 hours, and something dismal, like picking up shit. But whatever, again she is nutsy, and she

r u i n e d her life by her own actions. But this is really about Colleen.

Wow. I could barely watch her speak to the judge. Did she have any coaching at all?? Did anyone bother to tell her that it was a slam dunk that Lisa was not going away to prison? She looked like this wilted frail flower who at any minute was going to have a total breakdown. I think what happened to her was certainly bad, bizarre, and frightening at the time. But when she said things like ....

"Shortly after I turned 30 years old, Lisa Nowak hunted me down and attacked me in a dark parking lot," she said, adding that she is "still reeling from her vicious attack" and attempting to piece her life back together. "The world as I knew it before Lisa Nowak is gone," Shipman said. "Every stranger I see is a potential attacker. Going out in public is exhausting." She said she has undergone nearly three years of counseling, but suffers from nightmares, anxiety and health problems such as high blood pressure and chest pains because of the incident.

...she has not moved forward at all, not one inch. She IS now letting this bullshit totally change and take over her whole life. She lost her career over it because of health and other issues, crazy. I mean it is not like she was raped, or tortured, or living in a prison camp for 5 years, and she GOT the guy, they are together, which I find just unbelievable!! I wish she had some really powerful coaching, to get up there, incredibly strong and powerful and together, and bascially say "F **K Y O U "to Lisa and also to the media who I guess has caused her misery. Really. We at some point just have to take control. I find it hard to believe she was some go getter, powerful, vibrant, determined woman before..she just reeks weak. I am sorry to say. I don't want to bad mouth her, and that is not the point. The point is she let Lisa win, it was real clear in her letter, it was almost unbelievable to me, again who helped her with it..this was her chance to totally shine and she totally faltered, it was difficult watching her.

We all have these crappy things happen to us. Some F A R worse than others, to be sure. Overall my life has been a total cake walk. I should not complain or cry for one minute of one day considering the "gifts" I was born with, have been given and the beautiful life I have led. Really. And yet I have complained, I have cried myself to dark depths, like us all, I suppose. But I am not a victim, and I will go on and hold my head very high and say F**K YOU when needed.

One Year

I am happy to say I have been a blogger now for O N E year. I am truly excited about this accomplishment. It seems so easy, doesn't it, to throw some words down on paper, a lot, but I speak from experience, it is not. Well it is not hard like rocket science or brain surgery, certainly not!but there is a dedication to it, a certain willingness to hear your voice and create something from the swirlings in your head, often.

This past year has been quite a year for me. Full of new things, and old things going away. My marriage, it went away. It is gone. I still think about it, as it stretches out before me, like a ship getting further and further out to sea, and I have to strain my eyes and search to still see it, and quickly it is fading. And everytime I think about it, I find tears welling up, like right this second while I write this..because it is oh so hard to say goodbye to your life. But I am saying goodbye to it, and it is my destiny, curiously so, the last two blog subjects I have written about. I miss what was. There is no denying that. Or perhaps I miss what I wanted to see and to have, as I have said before, but it does not matter, it is fading quite fast.

But I decided a long time ago that this year could not just be about divorce, I could not just remember it that way. I think every sad and awful memory must have other things created as well, to somehow balance it all, otherwise we just slowly or quickly fall apart, and I am not someone who is going to fall apart.

So I blogged, and a lot. There were times I stared at a page, willing words to appear. There are blogs I have written that still make me cry, I don't know if that is normal, but I am overcome often by reading what I wrote. It is like these moments I have captured so I would not forget them.

And I painted oil paintings. I never painted before. Tonight I look at my 8th painting, which was my goal for 2009. It is a whimsical genie lantern, with hearts coming out of it, and it almost has the feeling of sugar and candy and sweetness and fluffy clouds. This one is for my little one. I have loved all my paintings. They all are based in emotions and all have meaning to me. They are different than writing, as I can feel them so easily, so effortlessly, and they are reminders to me of where I have been and what I have seen deep down, and the inspiration I have felt. Are they great, god I don't have a clue--I like them :) but what does that mean, does it matter anyhow..

And I worked on my book Finding Saratoga which is a tiring undertaking to write about one's life in any sort of meaningful way, and wonder if anyone will ever want to read it.

And I have read and read book upon book, from Twilight to Tori Spelling's Stori Telling and everything in between. And I have done yoga religiously and I have cried in the garden and out while running. I have spent countless hours alone, in essence staring out to sea as the ship left my view.

So in the last year I created something of me. Something more than just the obvious at the moment, some sort of legacy that I can leave behind. As we never know when that will be, and in my organizing way, I feel prepared.

Creating Our Destiny

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.Watch your words, for they become actions.Watch your actions, for they become habits.Watch your habits, for they become character.Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love getting these inspirational messages in my in box every morning. Every time I read a message a little bell rings in my head ..like..."teacher says every time a bell rings, daddy, an angel gets his wings.." Remember what movie that is from...It is a Wonderful Life..which happens to be my favorite movie ever. ..Anyhow...when the little bell rings inside my head, I am not sure if I am getting angel wings or anything else...but it does give me the opportunity to reflect on my life. Sometimes I wonder, "wow, how did I get here.." I mean there are endless paths to take, although it often does not seem so, and where I am is all about the paths I took. I clearly remember EXIT signs as well, but I did not heed them, it was like I just could not read them, and I kept on my path.

Looking at that paragraph above, it is easy to start with my thoughts..somewhere a long time ago, I decided I was not good enough, I did not deserve the shining care and attention and love and respect, I decided I was not worth what I really knew I was..so I put myself "on sale." And I pretty much said I was "on sale," and I acted like I was not top notch, and I got used to it. And I created this "me" that was not "me" at all, and I created my destiny. A life span over the last 30 years since young adulthood.

Some of the choices I have made have been good, they have been good paths, like work. I don't love what I do, but it is a great job and has had longevity, great places to work, great people to work with, at times fabulous pay, and very stable overall. I made that decision when I was 22 and saw sales people in my office where I was an admin., and knew right then and there I had to get on that path. That was a good decision, but a bad decision over and over on dealing with money...if I had been smart, I would be very well off. But I was not smart with my money, and that was along the path that were the wrong decisions...

Having my two children were my best decisions ever. They are my legacy and there is nothing I could do in my own life that rivals having them and what they have to offer the world.

I have made lots of good choices, and I am really happy to see that. But along the line, I made blind decisons on my life, on being loved, on being valued, and I just was on a train I could not stop or get off. It is amazing how we survive these rides we put ourselves on. Some people are not fortunate and they never get off, they live a life of quiet desparation, and silent misery, and go to the grave or the crematorium having missed their life.

I am lucky, I saw an EXIT sign in the last year and I noticed it, for the first time in a long time, I was awake. I did NOT want to see the sign, I really wanted the sign to be a DETOUR or UNDER CONSTRUCTION sign, but it wasn't. So I got off that freeway or off that train, and started something altogether new, while keeping a lot of the old, interesting how it all weaves together, all the time, always weaving, some threads are being pulled out, some are brand new, some just keep the same pattern.

So I am watching my thoughts these days, really closely,because at the end of the day they will shape what is left of my destiny. I believe I have so much to offer, and scold myself for hiding out for so long. I am here now, and want to shine.

$200 Jeans

I am not sold on $200+ jeans. I tried to be. I went this summer and tried on a dozen pairs. The salesgirl and my older daughter gave me their opinion, almost always telling me to go a size smaller, and I am a 2..really, smaller? It was exhausting and well a little bit fun, I felt like I finally was in the "inner circle" with all these ladies who run around town in the fancy jeans. So they convinced me I needed the smallest size, which had to be ordered. So I waited and waited. Then tried them on, and hung them up in my closet, waiting for the big day. Then a month later I tried them again and thought, you know, I don't like them this tight, so back they went for the next size (25 instead of a 24.) And they waited in my closet for the big day. Then recently I tried them on again, and thought, you know, I don't really even like them, I certainly don't love them! I want to love them, so I too can sport my $200 jeans. But honestly....I love my Gap jeans, and they were only $60. They fit way better and are not so loud. Maybe I have just missed the mark and don't know fashion, I don't think so..And I needed the $200, and the tags were on, so back they went and in a dash the $200 was back in my account, and I did not blink an eye. What a big waste of time this was.

Now I know, I know, there are thousands, millions? of women who say that these expensive jeans, and there are tons of brands as I found out at Nordstroms, are so worth it. I tried on 12 pairs, and did not feel really terrific in any of them. I found it hard to believe they were $200+. Now there are some styles I really like, like the bleaching, holes, rivets, etc..I L O V E the ones with the rips and holes, but really...I could probably create that myself....I think jeans have gotten pretty cool..but really...they ARE worth $200? as they tell us how much hand work etc.. goes into them..it just seems ridiculous to me. Somewhere along the line, women have been well marketed to, to think these $200+ jeans are going to make their butt look so great (it kind of does or it doesn't, sorry!) So I tried, I tried to be a fan. I might go back at some point and try on a dozen again, to see if I change my mind..I did like some of them..they were kind of cute..$100+ I can go for that, after that it just starts to seem like a waste of money.

And people are starving, and don't know where they will sleep tonight...cannot lose sight of that.

Mary Janes

Today was just one of those days that worked. Do you ever stumble upon one of those, or maybe you have many, I would like to have more..everything is good, the energy just flows really well, and you just go through the day, well, happy.

My shoe broke at the conference I was at, and it was a huge bummer, because I was faced to make a decision about the broken strap on one shoe and what to do about the other shoe, scissors seemed like the best answer in the time and space..and I hated to do it, to cut the straps on one of my most favorite pair of shoes--black patent leather platform Mary Janes, but it was one of those times when the decision had to be made then and there. So they went from Mary Janes to Pumps in about 10 seconds, and now they were too big without the strap holding me in, so I had to stuff the toe with tissue, and really it was all kind of funny, like a scene from a sitcom. But my day went on, and on well. After I drove home, I took them to a shoe repair shop, and the guy was so nice, and complimented my small 6 1/2 size foot, and said he could fix them--so I look forward to seeing what he creates.

Funny, as I write this, it is almost like I am having a moment of clarity. It would be so nice, and easy too, if when faced with problems, dilemmas, challenges, that a decision could be made quickly, with humor if possible, no looking back and then the day continues. Why cannot all of life be like a broken pair of shoes. Good thing we can make light of a broken pair of shoes, because every day would be so stinking difficult. I just wish I could have viewed this last year of my life like a broken strap on my favorite Mary Janes, and I could have taken that to the shoe repair guy, and he would have given me a compliment on my 6 1/2 size foot, and I would have walked out of the store with everything wrapped up. Instead, my shoe broke this year, and I did not want to cut the other shoe strap to match, if anything I kept the broken shoe around for a long time wondering what to do, quite despondent over it, I found no humor in it, no one was handing out compliments and there was no repair shop. With the strap broken, I was no longer being held in, and there was not enough tissue to stuff it to hold me down. I floated right out of those shoes into some other place. And the shoes, that represented my broken life were not repaired.

So maybe my broken shoe today was some sort of moment of clarity, that broken things can be fixed, sometimes quite easily, sometimes not so easily, but most things will get fixed, at some point. Silly I know, all over a pair of Mary Janes, but I am loving the symbolism right now. It is almost like the old me, that I had forgotten about, who can do quite well on her own, was peeking through it all.. Truth be told, there was a fleeting thought of feeling alone, when the strap broke, and in the past I could have shared that with my husband, the best friend call. But for that moment I had only me to share it with, and I did.

Saying Goodbye

I read the other day .....

Saying goodbye is the most difficult thing in life. And we never learn to be good at it.

That is all I feel like I have been doing for 2009. It is not just like a one day thing. The person packs up a UHaul, emptys their side of the closet, clears out their bathroom items, and is gone, but not really. You wave goodbye in your mind, in some bizarre send off. For some, that actually might be it, you turn around, go pour yourself a drink, sit down, and say "life is starting now!" And you are totally fine. That is a nice place to be. For others, it is just one step in the process, and it isn't even the first step, that may have been so long ago. I feel like I have been saying good bye for y e a r s. But I could not really see it. I heard Anderson Cooper say in an interview recently, "Do people see what they want to see?" Now this is a common comment on people, we have all heard it before, but I am not sure if I had really applied that to my own life. Clearly I saw what I wanted to see for a long time, perhaps forever in the scope of the relationship. In order for the fantasy to work that I had planned out, I had to see what I wanted to see, there really was no other way. And clearly the longer I lived in it, the more I had to see what I wanted to see. Geez, I sound like some wacko, and on some very sorry level, I understand how people are totally taken in by others. Sadly I was said good bye to many years ago, but I did just not want to see that either. So I did not see the hand waving at me, waving good bye to the fantasy I had created. I would be lying if I did not say I almost find it funny, because deep down in the wells of humor, it kind of is. I mean, here I am living a life and it is not real, but I think it is, or tell myself it is, just so I can keep all the plates in the air.

So as I have said before...I have kind of lived in a "set" almost like up on stage in a play, writing the scenes, setting up the backgrounds and playing my part, and running and running like a little hamster on my wheel, because if I stop, the whole thing will fall apart, and there would only be a vacant and dark theater left, if that.

So for months now, in a very lucid state, I have been saying goodbye. I believe I am the most awake I have ever been in my life, except perhaps back when I was just a little child and so filled with promise and knew no upsets or limits, because it did not occur to me. But then we become part of the real world. So I say good bye to this huge portion of my life and who I am/was, and don't really have a new costume waiting for me to slip into. I am mostly drifing along, and thankful that the current is kind and quiet and only reveals small things at a time, but that there is no way back up the current, not this time.

Honey Honey, Hey Sugar Sugar

Well for some reason, and one never knows why, I feel kind of upbeat at the moment, and the song by the Archies, "Honey, Honey, Hey Sugar Sugar" just popped into my mind as bizarre as that is. I was reading my post from the other day, and suddenly I wanted to sing that to the person who wrote that post (me of course.)

See this is this bullshit journey, because today is kind of good, and not one thing is different from Saturday, nothing. Well I am reading books on witchcraft so maybe I am getting some good ideas :) Seriously, though, I recommend them. Way more interesting that I realized.

I believe life is this odd thing. It is so a product of the environment we are born into and grown into. We are conditioned to want and need love as we grow up--do we really need it to be happy, or has that so been drilled into us, that we don't know any other way. I really wonder on that thought. I mean romantic love. I mean having a significant other. We live in a couples world, at least in North America, so this is the world I know. Can life really be fulfilling without a significant other, or do we just try to fill it in with book clubs, and vacations, and exercise and girls night, and everything else, just to keep the fact that we are alone not knocking on our door...or are we really okay with it..I don't know, clearly. Because for the most part, everyone I know is a couple or looking to be one. My friend made a great comment the other day as she bagged the dating sites..she said she really saw that it is almost a way for everyone to be a community of single people together looking, to feel like they are in action, but at the end of the day how many real relationships come out of those sites. I don't know the stats, but I don't think that many compared to how many people are on there looking.

I like to think of life as all these dimensions, like little doors that we open, or rabbit holes that we fall down, or wardrobes we walk through, and poof we are in some other life. It really is not worth fighting, because for the most part, it will just happen. One day we will wake up in a whole other life. One day we won't wake up at all, or as I see it, we will then be in another dimension.When I look at things this broadly, I don't feel so bad, so alone, so left. I just feel kind of here for the moment, and wonder where I am going.

Filling in Time

Yeah, I wish he died. I would have gotten a lot of life insurance, nice sympathy from people (real or feigned, but sympathy just the same..) there would be no child custody arrangement, and my mind would slowly let it all go, as it was gone anyhow. But this, this...this never ends. This person is still here, pretty much haunts me day and night, as my mind falls in and out of thoughts and takes me to dreams at night. There is n o sympathy, it is pretty hard to find a fan club for him, and therefore people are more apt to think I am better off, don't waste my time, things will be so great for me, on and on with the pleasantries everywhere, in person and in email, and I just laugh here and there and nod, and wish so much that I agreed with them, completely, and did not have to fake it, which is often what is behind my smile. Oh I don't mean to be deceiving, but I know this all too well, after X amount of time, one cannot be in the old place anymore, it is just not the way it is, so we must move on, at least so it appears. But really, for the most part, I am not sure how far I have come, I would say barely anywhere..certainly on a day like today, when I struggle "to do my life" one I don't want and wonder how the fuck I ended up here, what the hell I have been thinking and doing for almost 30 years, and the idea that I can say for 30 years, just depresses me even more. I am not 25 anymore. I clean a house I really don't want, rake leaves in a yard that I don't want to tend to anymore, wonder what I will do with so many hours of being and I do a lot, believe me..but the hours, days, months, just stretch out, like some incredible journey that has hardly begun, but I feel like I have been on it forever, with no end in sight. All I do is fill in time.

Somer

Last night as I watched a news program with more details on Somer Thompson's murder, I was just totally overcome with tears, as if she was my own child. I honestly don' t know how a parent goes on after this. And her siblings, the guilt they will feel, as she was with them, and then they lost sight of her. This is just another a w f u l story, of a sweet child taken out by a sick and perverted and twisted individual, most likely a man, and I understand they may even have a suspect, a registered sex offender. As I always wish, first choice, he is murdered by other inmates in prison, something brutal and awful, and even then there will be no justice. Or he kills himself, or certainly the death penalty, which will take years to wait for, and is just a ridiculous part of our system. I am sure there are 100s of people in our country, probably 1000s who would gladly be the executioner for these pieces of trash we have living amongst us.

Like the rest of us, we are now haunted by shiny brown eyes and a pixie little face, who unbelievably was thrown in the trash after I am sure being brutalized, I cannot even imagine her last moments of hell on this earth. These stories just keep coming, and we can certainly thank the unbelievable amount of sex and porn and child porn and S and M and all the other deviant behavior, so now totally available and devoured on the web by millions of disgusting people, as a main road to how we have gotten here. Oh yeah, we keep hearing it, "these things happened years ago too.." okay, sure, whatever! NO, it was not like this when I grew up, or my parents or their parents. Sure bad things happened, but it is different now. We have so many deranged people running around, it blows my mind.

I picked my daughter up at the bus stop the other day, and one sweet little girl was still waiting for her mom, I was so glad I noticed her. I did not want to alarm her, because she did not know me, and probably was afraid that I spoke to her out the car window. I just let her know that I would wait right there until her mom pulled up, and it was about 5 minutes. There was NO way I would have driven away, and left a little girl out front of our gated community on a busy road waiting for her mom. She could have been gone in about 30 seconds. I was so surprised that her mom was those few minutes late--I would have been crazed, but then I don't ever plan to be late without a back up plan, meaning another parent or friend. We have to be vigilant. No child should EVER walk home alone, I don't care if it is the safest neighborhood in the world, I don't care if it is broad daylight..why risk it? These parents never thought they would end up in these heartbreaking situations. It is not their fault, but unfortunately they now have the amazing pain to carry forever. Just the other day a little girl disappeared in Missouri walking 4 houses down from her friend's home to her home. So I would never allow my child to walk or ride their bike anywhere alone, or wait for me to pick them up somewhere, etc..Do not risk it. And tell your children you give them total permission to yell, scream, kick, whatever they need to do if someone approaches them, scares them, etc..if it is nothing, oh well, no harm done.

So much has been done to try to stop this, but I almost feel like it is getting worse. It is like the internet is just growing this faster than work can be done to stop it. It is frightening that our children are watched, like prey. We must be hyper vigilant and never let the guard down. My mom was a total worrier, but I grew up in the era that you could walk home from school, you could ride a bike to a friend's home, so my childhood seems so lax as compared to today. Those days are gone, and we have to really remember that.

Hearts

Hearts have been on my mind lately. Like how they are endless, they keep going, remember in the Titanic love song,.."my heart will go on and on..." I just read the lyrics, and forgot how much I like the song. You know Celine just did one take on that song, and it was so perfect, that was it! I am not sure why I am talking about Celine Dion, I got off track, although she does have a great voice..

Anyhow..

So often I dream about my husband, random, strange dreams, sometimes upsetting, sometimes very boring, and sometimes very comforting, but it is like another dimension I go into each night. I have come to see the dreams less about him, but more so a comfort for me, something that my heart attaches to to feel safe. Right now his memory is what I hold onto. So it is like this love goes on and on, in some other space and time altogether, something beyond this realm, and that is how I have begun to see the love from my marriage, and there is a certain comfort in that thought and a certain bond that I hold onto, it becomes more about the heart than the person in reality. It allows me solace without being too tied up with a reality I cannot change. I don't know if that makes any sense, but somehow I am finding sense in it.

I read this Psalm the other day

“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord my God.”~Psalms 51:10

That is what I want to do. A clean and open heart that paints a picture of good things. Recently I said I love what is, what was, and what could have been. I also realized I love what never was.
These are tough ideas to come to grips with at times, because in the everyday I want more than what was or what is, so I found another place for the "what could have been" and the "what never was." They live in my heart. Protected from doom and doubt and tears, like little snowglobes that I can shake up in my dreams.

What Could Have Been

When things don't work out, for the thousands of reasons (?) that float around, whatever the ones we are given or give, I do believe like with death, at some point acceptance walks down the street and we walk along with it. Like this amazing human condition we all share, what else can we do..? But I do believe accepting something ending is far easier than the thought of "what if it now works out with someone else. What if they meet someone new, and all the things I know are THEIR problems, the reason for such failure, suddenly all fall away, or don't matter, or whatever, and now they go on to have some glorious relationship with someone else?" That is a thought that burdens me. Because after so many years of wanting it to work, trying to make it work, so much time and effort and investment, to not have it work out is such a huge loss. Do most people worry about such a thing, or do they just totally move on and not give a flying f about what happens anyway. This is the h a r d e s t concept for me, that after all "this" whatever the hell it has been, beyond some bizarre facade, that "this" will by some miracle become a work of art in another dimension, and I will sit here with the wind knocked out.

I am looking at my checklist for grief
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
and I really feel like I have worked through this list, like some annoying "to do" list, that cannot be done quickly or even rationally.

Yeah, see, this is why I prefer death. Then I would not have to wrap my arms around these thoughts, because there would be nothing to worry about, unless I want to concern myself about him meeting someone in the afterlife and then it all works out great, and as I type that I actually can see me thinking that! I thought last weekend about how right now if I died, I have no true companion to meet in the hereafter--I just have 4 women I knew, waiting for me. I don't want to be some spinster for eternity, that really bums me out. I know, you might be totally laughing right now or at least shaking your head, saying "oh my god, this is bizarre.." Maybe one day I will have the true gift of not c a r i n g what happens to my recently departed.. I just won't give a damn. Maybe that is true acceptance.

Memories Light the Corner of My Mind

Just as I went to write a title for today, I was hit by the Memories song, sung by Barbara Streisand like a thousand years ago, but I still love it. I love the Way We Were with her and Robert Redford.

Today is one of those "memories" days for me. Today is the
2 0 t h anniversary of my first date with my second husband. That day was like a bolt from the blue for me. It was not a fancy date by any stretch of the imagination. But in those hours my life was altered f o r e v e r. I am amazed at the memory of the feelings that came over me, like it just happened yesterday, and so many times seems like it did. When one is really young, something that is 20 years from now, or someone who has worked for 20 years, well those statements just seem so unreal to someone when they are young, when they have no concept of big blocks of time. In the exact moment my hand was held, and silly and romantic and ridiculous as it sounds, for me, my life changed. I realize for some people these things are only in the moment (they just don't bother to tell you) while for some of us these things become lifetime, that we just cannot walk away from.

So I built a huge part of my life around my hand being held and the crushing feelings I had about that moment. I mean I really built my life around it. I may have already written earlier that I don't regret it all, I would l i k e to, just for some way to feel better about the whole "thing" but I would be lying. I actually reget that it did not work out, more than anything. I regret that the fantasy I built was not real, because I so wanted to be like the characters in movies that end well, like The Sound of Music, to mention one I have recently.

So 20 years. Funny, I don't really feel that much different. I weigh the same, probably am in better shape. I have a few laugh lines, that is about it. I like myself 10x more than I did then, thank god for that. But overall, it could be like today is October 13, 1989 all over again, because in the movement of time, I cannot really grasp 20 years, when it all seems so fleeting so unreal and real at the same time. Like I just stepped over into some other dimension and it is 20 years later, or like in Narnia, no time has passed whatsoever. How great would that be, I could make my way back to a lightpost right now, go through a wardrobe stuffed with fur coats, and step back into my world where not even a minute has passed. Maybe in some strange way I feel that. With all that has gone on, I still feel remarkably well overall, I wonder how I feel unscathed in many ways, like walking through fire with very few burns. There are other times I feel burned to a crisp and 40 years older, but luckily that is not all the time. Mostly I feel a lot of love. For what was, what is, and what could have been. And maybe that is my own little Narnia after all.

Dark Shadows

The other evening I had to be with the fact that I have now had my two children had their hearts broken at an early age, over the failure of their parents' marriages-- me to their fathers. As she sobbed into my shoulder how she "wanted it to be the way it used to be" how she "missed the way it used to be" I found there were really no words to say, because I cannot fix it, like a toy that needs super glue, no this was not something I could fix, ever. I could offer up a couple of band aids here and there, to help ease some of her broken heart, and she did accept those happily, and that provided a very faint light on a dark bedtime full of tears.

I am not sure if they ever get over the hearbreak, I am going to say no. I am sure I will never get over the heartbreak, of seeing their hearts break, it is far worse than what I feel, at least I willing (blindly) entered into what became my heartbreak, they had no choice. I feel so for all the kids out there who have these little broken hearts, that somehow must wrap themselves in their own soul bandages while their losses attempt to heal or grow over so slowly like a slow growing garden vine, but one day will that vine be quite thick, and need to be cut back..I wonder how they get past it all, beyond all the dumb things and useless things we tell them, there is no answer, no this one has no fix.

So now this super powerful rush of emotions had landed squarely at my feet. Like a novice football player who has no idea what to do with ball, that is how I felt as I moved forward, like going through stiff deep mud. And then it is my turn to fall apart, like out of the blue it seems, almost 24 hours later, I cannot cope as I sob, and realize while this is not everyday, there is a part of me that is no further along than that dark day in February. There is nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to call, because there is NO answer, no fix, no super glue for this..it just is..and I know on some level that "this too shall pass" as I find no solace in some bizarre reality that I enter into. And the eyes, my eyes, the circles, the purplish circles beneath them, that make me feel like I have been beaten by my emotions once again, they are there, haunting me. My eyes hurt so much that next morning. It is like all the memories, all the upset, all the tears that never end, just join together in one dark mass, and loom under my eyes and stare back at me, clinging to some vacant hope. And I hate it. I hate this look. I have often dreaded writing or thinking of things that bring me to these dark shadows, because I want to look pretty when I cry, like an actress we see in the movies, vulnerable, and lost, beautiful but sad, but all the while the tears compliment her somehow, but mine, mine ruin me, they take me into some other world, where I find it hard for me to recognize myself in the mirror.

Soulful Love

It is not often that I write 2 entries in one day..maybe never! It is not that I could not, like it is some huge deal! I guess the last 8 months I have sometimes been barely able to breathe let alone find something to say.

But today I read an article that is so spoke to me, that I just had to address it. http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/09/29/o.finding.lasting.love/index.html

All about soul in the relationship, how without it, it is just an empty shell. It talks about 3 kinds of relationships according to Aristotle..Pleasure, Utility, and Shared Virtue. Wow a ton of bricks just bonked me on the head. Which one was my husband in, while pretending to be in Shared Virtue?? I was in Shared Virtue, but had no idea (sounds so ridiculous to say outloud) that he lived in Pleasure, I mean it is so funny that I write this, like some kind of revelation! They are about the EGO and NEVER soul nurture you. Yep that is right, that is my reality for 20 years...masked from time to time in Shared Virtue, enough to make me keep believing in my fantasy. Oh and there was some Utility as well from him, again about EGO and not true love.

Now I don't want to become more important to me than I really am--meaning I am on to big stuff, figuring it all out, going to have an advice column one day! But really, I almost do feel like that. Remember in "The Joy Luck Club" when one of the daughters has the weirdo husband who keeps track of everything 50/50 and even charges her for ice cream, though she doesn't eat it. They have a very uptight home decor as well, the whole vibe is awful. And her mother says, "get out of this lopsided house" or something like that..like the daughter could not see the forest for the trees..and I get it, we get so C O N S U M E D with our relationship, and like an investment we cannot lose, we keep pouring everything into it, hoping to see it soar tomorrow, the next day, next year..but it never happens, most likely it gets worst, like a horrible festering wound, but we cannot see it. That is what I lived. But it was my fantasy that kept me from seeing it, I was like a love struck teenager (funny because my husband told me he no longer wanted kissing like "high school" right before he left) ..and I still really had no clue..because in some ways I will always be the innocent high school girl, barely past Barbie dolls.

I hope I take heed, and don't throw it all to the wind. Keeping close the thought that my soul so wants someone to love it, not USE it and HARM it...I wasted too many years.