I read the other day .....
Saying goodbye is the most difficult thing in life. And we never learn to be good at it.
That is all I feel like I have been doing for 2009. It is not just like a one day thing. The person packs up a UHaul, emptys their side of the closet, clears out their bathroom items, and is gone, but not really. You wave goodbye in your mind, in some bizarre send off. For some, that actually might be it, you turn around, go pour yourself a drink, sit down, and say "life is starting now!" And you are totally fine. That is a nice place to be. For others, it is just one step in the process, and it isn't even the first step, that may have been so long ago. I feel like I have been saying good bye for y e a r s. But I could not really see it. I heard Anderson Cooper say in an interview recently, "Do people see what they want to see?" Now this is a common comment on people, we have all heard it before, but I am not sure if I had really applied that to my own life. Clearly I saw what I wanted to see for a long time, perhaps forever in the scope of the relationship. In order for the fantasy to work that I had planned out, I had to see what I wanted to see, there really was no other way. And clearly the longer I lived in it, the more I had to see what I wanted to see. Geez, I sound like some wacko, and on some very sorry level, I understand how people are totally taken in by others. Sadly I was said good bye to many years ago, but I did just not want to see that either. So I did not see the hand waving at me, waving good bye to the fantasy I had created. I would be lying if I did not say I almost find it funny, because deep down in the wells of humor, it kind of is. I mean, here I am living a life and it is not real, but I think it is, or tell myself it is, just so I can keep all the plates in the air.
So as I have said before...I have kind of lived in a "set" almost like up on stage in a play, writing the scenes, setting up the backgrounds and playing my part, and running and running like a little hamster on my wheel, because if I stop, the whole thing will fall apart, and there would only be a vacant and dark theater left, if that.
So for months now, in a very lucid state, I have been saying goodbye. I believe I am the most awake I have ever been in my life, except perhaps back when I was just a little child and so filled with promise and knew no upsets or limits, because it did not occur to me. But then we become part of the real world. So I say good bye to this huge portion of my life and who I am/was, and don't really have a new costume waiting for me to slip into. I am mostly drifing along, and thankful that the current is kind and quiet and only reveals small things at a time, but that there is no way back up the current, not this time.
Saying goodbye is the most difficult thing in life. And we never learn to be good at it.
That is all I feel like I have been doing for 2009. It is not just like a one day thing. The person packs up a UHaul, emptys their side of the closet, clears out their bathroom items, and is gone, but not really. You wave goodbye in your mind, in some bizarre send off. For some, that actually might be it, you turn around, go pour yourself a drink, sit down, and say "life is starting now!" And you are totally fine. That is a nice place to be. For others, it is just one step in the process, and it isn't even the first step, that may have been so long ago. I feel like I have been saying good bye for y e a r s. But I could not really see it. I heard Anderson Cooper say in an interview recently, "Do people see what they want to see?" Now this is a common comment on people, we have all heard it before, but I am not sure if I had really applied that to my own life. Clearly I saw what I wanted to see for a long time, perhaps forever in the scope of the relationship. In order for the fantasy to work that I had planned out, I had to see what I wanted to see, there really was no other way. And clearly the longer I lived in it, the more I had to see what I wanted to see. Geez, I sound like some wacko, and on some very sorry level, I understand how people are totally taken in by others. Sadly I was said good bye to many years ago, but I did just not want to see that either. So I did not see the hand waving at me, waving good bye to the fantasy I had created. I would be lying if I did not say I almost find it funny, because deep down in the wells of humor, it kind of is. I mean, here I am living a life and it is not real, but I think it is, or tell myself it is, just so I can keep all the plates in the air.
So as I have said before...I have kind of lived in a "set" almost like up on stage in a play, writing the scenes, setting up the backgrounds and playing my part, and running and running like a little hamster on my wheel, because if I stop, the whole thing will fall apart, and there would only be a vacant and dark theater left, if that.
So for months now, in a very lucid state, I have been saying goodbye. I believe I am the most awake I have ever been in my life, except perhaps back when I was just a little child and so filled with promise and knew no upsets or limits, because it did not occur to me. But then we become part of the real world. So I say good bye to this huge portion of my life and who I am/was, and don't really have a new costume waiting for me to slip into. I am mostly drifing along, and thankful that the current is kind and quiet and only reveals small things at a time, but that there is no way back up the current, not this time.
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