Christmas 2012

Thoughts Blowing Around Like Leaves

Feel like writing a buffet..too much going on in my head.

YAY YAY YAY on the election!  Love Obama. LOVED his speech.  I find myself mesmorized by him.  I wish he was a pastor.  He fits the bill way more than Romney, who has been a pastor.
Such a cadence in his speech, such a voice tone, that is so calming and very confident and humble and inspiring.  I stand with him.

And we have pot legalized in WA, and gay marriage. What a win.

Fall is the perfect time of year. I have taken to walking my neighborhood quite often over the last 2 months, and find it quite calming.  I guess I should have been walking a long time ago.
I see the same houses over and over, but being in a "storybook America" neighborhood, I never tire of them. I let my mind wander and wonder and think that maybe the walking will reveal something to me.  There is great meditation in walking.

My 30th year high school reunion was pretty great.  I think I look better now than I did 30 years ago, which makes me so happy :).  But it is way beyond that. It was like walking back in time in a large way, these things are always like that, a moment in time back, for a night, and then back to day to day life.  But the going back in time had a twist to it, I don't know, like viewing a little gem, a certain lost innocence, that for awhile, came back to be.  Like the other night when I watched home movies of my two little girls, I have much more of my younger one as video cameras were much more prevalent 17 years after the first one. And watching those movies brings such a feeling to me, so nostalgic and also sad at the same time..almost too much. Photos don't quite bring that out as much, I think it is seeing it all in 3D, life before your eyes, that is past, can be hard to go back to, times gone by.
Anyhow, I was glad I made it. People were kind and genuine and there really was no sense of the superior, the " I did great, what about you.." that I may have worried on.  And yet, it is over, and I don't know if I would venture a 40 year one.

My daughter got her PhD, and that was a bigger event than my 30th reunion.  I am in awe of the accomplishments, and seemingly done with such ease.  This is her time. 

My birthday brought me some soul searching on worth and financial distress, and took awhile to kind of rise above it.  This year my goal is "day to day" seems like a good idea.  Just work on the present, what can be done, and not look at what needs to be done in the future or what has happened in the past.  Past is gone, and the future is always changing based on how we live the present.

I am working on my book right now, trimming it down, widening it up where needed, trying to find the voice I want to convey.  I love the idea of a movie and a play being made from it.  To think I sat here for years trying to convey something and that maybe it would end up having a bigger than I every expected life..or maybe nothing, that is the flip side, or maybe something little, maybe just a memoir for my kids..I don't know.  But it calls me right now.

I am still in love.  I love someone being so nice to me all the time, so dependable.  Kind and sweet. Hand holding love that I wanted.  Funny how having this element allowed me to breathe easier.
Seems it should be easy to find, I guess one has to be very clear on who they are and what they are looking for.

30 Years

This is a big weekend for me. It will be my 30th high school reunion.  Shocking to me..I feel like I was just there!  It is like I blinked and 30 years passed.  I guess we cannot imagine such a thought when we are 18 (but I do remember my parents talking that way)  and wah lah!  here I am, 30 years later.  I would not have guessed 30 years ago, that I would be married, 2x, divorced 2x, 1 daughter from each marriage..and one is almost 30..just graduating with her PhD one week ago..and my other just graduating elementary school one week ago...no I could not have imagined that 30 years ago..

I never really imagined much, which I see was a flaw in the way I pursued my life.  The only plan I had back then was to attend UC Berkeley in the Winter of 1983..but it never happened.  I took a major life path change.  And from there on out, I never really imagined a future, I guess I sort of lived into it each year. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining nor am I wishing it was different.  I just see, with such hindsight, that I had no clue of who I was, what I wanted, what I wanted to do..I was majorly lost.  It has been the last few years that this has become so apparent to me. Almost like an addiction, stopping in my tracks, and seeing who I am. Lucikly :), I did not gain 50 pounds, I am not sick, my kids are great, my boyfriend (husband one day?) is so lovely, my job has always worked out, so on the surface, people may think I have it all sewn up. But I know, I know there was so much potential in me, but because I became so lost, I was not able to realize it. It is not until now, 30 years after I left high school, that I am finally grounded. I wish I could stop the clock, or go back 10 years..not change a thing, just have 10 years back, that would be nice. There is the thought too, that perhaps there has been a part of me that has lived in disarray (while the day to day life I lead is so not, so quite a dichotomy) so anyhow, I have lived in such a way, because it was my destiny, that was the path for me..I am not sure.  I do know, that I crave the calmness I now have.  I don't have worries about love like I used to.  I am often at peace, just when watering a plant, or washing a dish.  It is like I crossed over to something else.  I must run now. I have a flight to catch and people to see, and times to remember, that don't seem that long ago.

Sex and Politics..The Power of .....

It never ceases to amaze me, how DUMB men aRE!!!  There are two great stories competing this week...dumb John Edwards and a new name, Arthur Huntington.  Both revolve around secrets, sex, and money..no need to make this stuff up, it really does happen.  Throw in the two accomplices..
Rielle Hunter (gag) and Dania Suarez.

Starting with the Secret Service scandal.  When I first read it, it was appalling, but like any other story I guess I thought it would fade away..there are so many stories competing all the time. But it has not gone away, so today I read more about it, since it is not going away!  Too funny..Let's see..
Arthur Huntington, described as "church going, family man"  I LOVE THAT..isn't that always the case!  What a great "church going family guy" he was down in Columbia!  Dania Suarez says he was a terrible dancer and a huge drinker.  She went back to his room, but he passed out.  Seems he did not want to pay $800, but gave her $28! C'mon, buddy, how DUMB are you..?  oh that is right, you are really dumb!  The news is quoted as saying that this event unraveled this entire story. This dumb ass lost his job, perhaps really everything (although mousy wife is standing by her man..for now..) they are in hiding and put their house on the market!!  So this dumb ass lost it all, for ..um.. $772!!!! that is laughable!  God, borrow it on a credit card!  I think it is a total burn on him. I only feel sorry for his kids.  ($772 is a BARGAIN when you look at the John Edward's trial.. ) and now Dania is asking for $400k from Playboy, for a tell all and all look! 

Edwards apparently used almost $1 million from private donors to hide his pregnant girlfriend Rielle Hunter..(made up name.)  $1 million!  wow..where the hell was she and what was she eating.  He got ripped off, Huntington only needed to come up with $772 more and he could have hid the whole thing!  So dumb ass Edwards, has an affair with scary Rielle Hunter..and it ruined his whole life.  I mean ruined it.  He caused great humiliation for himself, his children, and his dying wife Elizabeth Edwards, he lost his career, and now maybe his freedom.  For Rielle Hunter? 

It is almost impossible for me to get my arms around these stories, because I SO DO NOT relate. 
It all goes to "the power of the p _ _ _ _" and I hate to even say that, it is some tacky thing a guy would say, but it seems to fit here.  It is what brought these two guys down, and it is so dumb when you think about it..why would anyone throw it all away??  It is not like these are superb, gorgeous, high flying, successful women..not at all. ..reminds me of Tiger Woods..but I was not including him here..and at least he did not lose his career or do anything illegal..he just cheated, and man did he.

It makes me laugh. It really is Adam and Eve, 24/7. Women have so much power over men. It is amazing.

Wherever You Go, I Go

I think I have said in here before how much I adore the book "The Last Lecture" I mean  LOVE it! There is something about the writing style of Randy Pausch, that I could just listen to him forever.  No wonder he was a professor!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

I  reread the book recently, and had forgotten so much of what he said, the short stories that had meaning..every page of his book has meaning.  I wish I was in a book group for this book. One thing I read last night brought me to tears..He mentioned a spiritual leader in India, who died in 1986,
Krishnamurti, who said this about what to say to someone you love who is dying..
"Tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him.  Wherever he goes, you also go.  He will not be alone."  I love this quote. It completely embodies how I see religion, how we are always with those we loved, and it has nothing to do with religion.  I could say that this is true in life as well, I feel I carry those I love around with me in my heart, like

the e.e. cummings poem

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

If you want to hear this to music, it is fabulous by Michael Hedges.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1QCz6K2F6w

Sadly, Michael died far too soon, many years ago now.  We saw him in concert a few times, and I felt

like the shows were a spriritual experience.  He was beyond talented. I especially loved seeing his

mom at the shows.

This song and poem also have great meaning to me, as when my sister in law died almost 10

years ago my brother had this poem in the service, and I had no idea it had been important to them.

I sent him the CD after the funeral, and it was played many times.

I guess I am just feeling this today.  How many people we carry with us.  Time is short, too short.

My neighbor has cancer, I could not believe it. We took her cookies.  I wish I could really help.

I am well, I am lucky, as I said again today, I should never complain, I have nothing to complain

about. I have been very blessed.

Worry Left The Building

I just need to catch up with myself.  The other day I thought, I should be writing 1x a week, like a catch up..maybe Monday AM..it would be fun to see how I go week to week.

Last week my f'ing car brought me to my knees, again...really how much can a used car cost in repairs when I don't even own it?  I could do a whole show on how to buy a car that will take a huge bite out of your finances, or I should say finances you do NOT have..And then that throws me into a downward sprial, as it is just a symptom of all my financial ..um..mistakes, poor plans, whatever words fits best at the time..and then I find myself in tears.  It is almost funny now..I feel bad for me.  I should video tape myself.  I am not sad now..it is like this resolution that comes in every time after a financial setback..it takes a day or two, and then I am just totally resolved to more debt.  One day, it will all turn around, I know it will, as it has before..isn't it always darkest right before the dawn?

The idea of being rescued is quiet seductive...how nice it would be ...one full swoop, and no financial worries..but then I think, this is my challenge to figure out.  I was told 3 years ago by a psychic that I had earned my PhD in love..so maybe my financial one is right around the corner.

I read something today about not worrying about things..and I agree..last week I went from worried to foreclosed on, in about 5 minutes!  There was a line in there about not worrying about the "account balance"  which I do all the time. I am doing myself NO favors by worrying.  I should use all my time for something that has some value, worrying is not building up an account balance..

Beyond the worry last week, I had a great weekend.  I felt really happy. I love that when happiness just
comes in and sits on my shoulder..it was like I could not worry if I tried..."worry" had left the building.  My mind is a mine field for sure..I need to steer clear of the "worry" section..

A New Version of Me

I need to redirect the blog a bit I think for this year.  It is amazing to me how I have no desire to write about divorce anymore..before, during and after.  It is kind of like I have said everything I want to say or need to say. It is so "yesterday" to me now, and that is such a GREAT feeling.  I almost laugh now that there was a time I thought I would never feel that way..like I could not get to that feeling let alone really comprehend how it would be.  I want my life to be defined way more than by my personal life, certainly my personal life full of upset and tears..although don't get me wrong, most of it at some point will be there one way or another..and maybe what I have written during my time in total upheaval will help someone else get through theirs..I hope so, that would be really nice, that would be completing a circle..I don't know if I wanted to write it all just for me, like a big meal I was preparing, ate and then was done with..

I feel compelled to make this a break out year.  I mean really. And I am going to be oh so bummed if I read this in January 2013 and not much happened that was compelling..!  I need to accomplish big things on the work front, on the financial front, on the personal growth front.  I want to continue to grow my business and personal relationships and have them flourish like lovely summer gardens.
I want to become something more than the me I have been for so many years..because there is a big part of me that believes I have just kind of been hanging out, playing life much smaller than I really could have, I could have been so much more..that is so apparent to me.

There is this great place I am these days, that I am just not going to get bent out of shape..well I don't know if I can totally make that leap, but I am mostly there.  I am going to think the bigger picture, I am not going to fight what is, ie like how people are, they are not going to change, I can only change the way I react to them.  I am going to be in a lot more moments, and not anticipate or worry about what is around the corner. I am going to take action on the things I can, and the things I cannot, I am going to do my best to let them go.  I am going to try to be more patient, and I will watch the grass grow more.

I spent some time in December pondering whether I was OCD, after I was told by a family member that I was..(now that is another story, but a good example of not worrying about things I cannot change..ie what people might say..)  After some pondering, I know I am not OCD..a cleaner, YES, a people pleaser, well..yes so much more in the "old days of Danna" but still somewhat so, just more discerning now.  A perfectionist, sometimes, trying to let some things go.  Ah, I almost forget what I was writing here..I think the point was that I am not interested in being all caught up in drama, or anxiety and trying to relax more..I won't become a totally different person, just a much better version of myself, that is what I aim to do this year.  It is time. I have waited way too long.