Love Bursting Open

"But thy eternal summer shall not fade.." ..a line from Shakespeare's "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day.." I am all about summer this year. This summer was truly like magic :) I am not sure, but as Eddie Money sings, "I think I am in love." And then I think of the Dan Fogelberg song.."how do we make love stay.." and my mind gets working as it does and I wonder if love will be fleeting, and then I worry, and then I have to talk myself out of my craziness that descends on me, so damn easily. I have to remind myself to try to stay a "grown up" these days and not fall into school girl drama.

Loving someone new is a special thing in life. It is so wonderful to love someone in the moment, for who they are, as you don't have history in the way, there is no resentment, there are no broken promises or unkind words. It is all a magic bubble and you never want it to end. But maybe it doesn't have to end, or at least not end, but just blossom into other things. Maybe there doesn't have to be resentment and hurt feelings and broken promises. I am really not sure, I am surely not the expert on this subject.

But I know me..I am not sure how to spend time with someone, and really be with them, and not find myself loving them..it just does not seem possible. But then again, I fall in love easily, as I believe in true love, cannot live without each other love, moments in movies, I believe in it..which can be a double edged sword. How it must be to not believe in true love, maybe it is freeing I don't know. For me to be in love is immensely freeing, because I feel set free, I feel able to take the feelings I have in my heart and bestow them on my love..I am the painter and they are my canvas, if they are willing..

As my summer fades away, and I enter fall, which I adore, I am looking forward to making love stay, not just staying, but bursting wide open for me to take in. I want it all. I don't want to hold back, I don't want to be cautious, I don't want to miss a thing, I don't want to close my eyes (as to quote Aerosmith now...) because life is short, life is fleeting, love is fleeting and I want to take it all in. This is me, this is how I am. I might blow you over with what I have in store for you..I don't know. But ..I. Love. Being. In. Love.

Journeys

My daughter, my little girl, who is now a very accomplished 26 year old woman, just started her blog, on her training for her upcoming 7th marathon, in hopes to qualify for the Boston marathon. I am so excited for her to be blogging about it (I don't know why I did not think of it sooner..) Anyhow, it is a great journey to record, it is a great journey to be taking. I realized with my blogs, it does not matter if one or 100,000 people follow me or read me, it is getting the word out to someone, someone who might find it inspiring, interesting, motivating, heart capturing, or maybe just a way to make it thru the day or even hour that is upon them, or perhaps just for a laugh. Whatever it is, I am glad to be in the blogging sphere, and wish I did it y e a r s ago, when I first heard "blog" on one of my favorite radio shows of all time, the Ron Owens Show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Having my daughter write about her incredible journey of training for a marathon, made me realize that we are both blogging about journeys. Actually all of us, at any given time, are on our very own journey. Some are short, some of just part of our overall journey of life, some are dead ends, and some last a lifetime. The last 18 months or so have been such a journey for me. I feel like I died and then somehow resuscitated myself.

But now things are different. I am not sure if I can lose how I feel now. I am perhaps a bit giddy with love, and find myself wondering where it will all go. It is so nice to hold someones hand. I am a home girl at heart. At the end of the day I just want someone who will be at home with me. A lot. Who will talk to me. Who will be there for me. Who will love me. Always. It might not sound exciting, but there is great peace in it for me, and it opens my heart tremendously. This feeling reminds me of a quote from Father Ralph in The Thorn Birds, as he reflects on his time with Meggie, sequestered away on an island..

"I wanted to never leave her, not only because of her body, but because I just loved to be with her--talk to her, not talk to her, eat the meals she cooked, smile at her, share her thoughts. I shall miss her as long as I live."

I found this so compelling, clearly, it hits home for me. I find the love in being with one person, is a love to fulfill my life in a way beyond anything else. I have lost this before. But I believe we are all here to truly love, and I cannot turn my back on this dream. My dream of a happily ever after. I believe in love.

A New Day

I hope what I am feeling, lasts. It is true what they say, everything starts to look different. Cannot say it is love yet..but maybe puppy love? :) It is this all encompassing feeling that surrounds me in all I do, like a force field around me. Yet even so, I think if it fell away, I might still be okay. I don't know that for sure though, and am in no hurry to find out.

It is just the space I am in now is something I do remember, but guess I forgot about. I hold myself responsible for forgetting about it. I did not see that I had during the latter years of my marriage. It is so hard to see the forest for the trees. But then again, I suppose we all lose it over time in long term commited relationships. Or maybe not? I did love him. A lot. But in the end it did not matter.

Now I feel a sense of profound freedom with my emotions and my being. It is like I am somewhat floating, I am basking in someone liking me. I cannot totally "do that" for myself. And it comes in, so quietly and so quickly at all once. I have a fan :) a truly nice thing to have again.

I am only in the moment these days. Maybe that is my new found secret. I used to say I had to live half day to half day during my divorce, as I could often hardly breathe, and not stop the tears. But those days seem to be gone. Funny.

My one brother and I have a phrase we say to each other when we are down...
"What a difference a day makes." We say it when the other one forgets it. And it happened for me. A day made a difference. Bless that day.

Revelation

Falling into the "rush" can be overwhelming. For the first time in a long time, I have fallen a bit out of my routine. I don't have time for cleaning :) Funny how adding one person in can do this.
"I don't know where I am going..and I don't know where I have been.." A line from a favorite song these days "Revelation." It is almost like I fell into a revelation, which is a word I love, let alone saying, as it just rolls off the tongue. I am not sure if I can totally put my revelation into words. Something like this. .. I gave up the ghost. I moved forward. Suddenly there was a shift. I don't cry anymore (really, I hope it lasts..) I forgave, fully.

I am not sure if I know what falling in love is anymore, or maybe it is just different now that I am not 25. I wonder about that. Maybe now I have a lot more filters and a lot more going on in my head that has to match up to my heart, because I feel way more grounded than I did way back when. I almost think I used to have a bit of "craziness" in me. Where was "I" all those years, I honestly don't know. Crazy to even say. I had no sense of who I was, how to take care of me, any real value in myself. I was like living an out of body experience.

I no longer think love is the only answer in life, but I sure think it matters. Someone close to me recently said they looked for romance within themselves, creating it for themselves. I never thought of it that way, and it may be why this person is so ahead in life and always has been. They know how to take care of themself. However, I do believe that we can never fully love ourselves or "romance" ourselves quite like a significant other can. It just can never be. It could be close, but it is not the same. To see yourself loved by someone else is a certain magic that may be the gift of being human. Not a child or friend or neighbor, but those are beautiful loves to have as well. But a true love, to love you in body, mind and spirit, to reach your very heart and hold it close. This is the magic I believe in. I have lived without it for a long and lonely time, and yet at the same time was not lonely and had my own personal seminar inside the 4 walls of my home. I am happy to report that it worked :) .

I thought the other day about a broken heart. How I have once again lived through it. And yet at the time, there is no hope, there is so much gloom and dying seems to be the way out. Yes. It. Does. But. You. Cannot. It is like eternal night, f o r e v e r it seems. And then somehow it goes away. And then you are changed. So I have lived through it again in my life. I cannot believe how much I have laughed as well in the past year, and certainly in the past month or two. I almost feel like a new me in a way, or certainly the "new and improved me." Laughing and crying made up 18 months of my life. Now mostly laughter :).

At this very moment I feel like I finally made the jump. Like a jet stream cruising above me, that I saw for so long, but could not reach it, and then one day I was effortlessly in. I am not sure how it happened. I am not sure where I am going these days. But at the moment, I really like the path.