Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Gifts
Holding my hand
Writing me a note
Being true
Love in your eyes
Caring about me
Showing up
Comforting me
Laughing
Crying
Cuddling
Learning about me
Staying
Dancing
Helping me
Sharing a toast
Sitting with me
Smiling
Writing me a note
Being true
Love in your eyes
Caring about me
Showing up
Comforting me
Laughing
Crying
Cuddling
Learning about me
Staying
Dancing
Helping me
Sharing a toast
Sitting with me
Smiling
Loving me
These are the gifts I seek. They don't cost anything. These are the things that matter to me.
These are the gifts I seek. They don't cost anything. These are the things that matter to me.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
In My Head
I may have written in the past about being "in my head." It is not a new phrase or way of being for me. It is like this slow decent I do, every now and then, usually hormone related.. :) and I don't see or know that I am slowing walking into my head, and then I am in my head, and it totally becomes my reality and I see things differently, and yet I can't figure out that I have now entered my head and in many ways it is not real..Does any of that even make sense!!! It does in "the world of Danna."
So my latest trip into my head was over analyzing my love interest, like I went on hyper speed for 48 hours--this was mostly in my mind until I spoke it a little bit to friends, 2 of who pointed out how much I was living in my head, with great laughter. It was like a lightbulb went off, and I came out of my head, really. And my hormones got back in balance..:) Now I followed it up with a visit from my love interest, and realized I did not have any resentment to voice, it was more like giddy school girl love, and there was nothing to say, nothing that is about living in my head..
A very good point was raised to me, that while I am one way, it does not mean every body else is, nor can I expect them to be, even want? them to be, and certainly cannot with all fairness view them through all my past filters. Wow. It is a lot to retrain the head and the heart. At least at some point I was aware I was in my head and managed to get out before doing damage.
That is a big step for me.
I remind myself I want to live my life, I don't want to waste it, drag it down, punch it out, squelch it, resent it, beware of it, scared of it, tire of it..I want to use it, I want to fill it with love I suppose more than anything and that certainly is not that hard to do, or should not be. I told my mom the other night in an email that while I am happy alone, I am happier loving someone, it can just never be the same for me alone (I am not a lonely person to be clear..) But I believe I do need to remember that life cannot be lived in my head, full of filters, but it must be lived in reality and open to all the gifts people have to bring to the table not just my idea of what should be..that is when I shut down and retreat to my head, alone..It is all a process, I do forget what being in love is like, the many, many, many dimensions of it.
So my latest trip into my head was over analyzing my love interest, like I went on hyper speed for 48 hours--this was mostly in my mind until I spoke it a little bit to friends, 2 of who pointed out how much I was living in my head, with great laughter. It was like a lightbulb went off, and I came out of my head, really. And my hormones got back in balance..:) Now I followed it up with a visit from my love interest, and realized I did not have any resentment to voice, it was more like giddy school girl love, and there was nothing to say, nothing that is about living in my head..
A very good point was raised to me, that while I am one way, it does not mean every body else is, nor can I expect them to be, even want? them to be, and certainly cannot with all fairness view them through all my past filters. Wow. It is a lot to retrain the head and the heart. At least at some point I was aware I was in my head and managed to get out before doing damage.
That is a big step for me.
I remind myself I want to live my life, I don't want to waste it, drag it down, punch it out, squelch it, resent it, beware of it, scared of it, tire of it..I want to use it, I want to fill it with love I suppose more than anything and that certainly is not that hard to do, or should not be. I told my mom the other night in an email that while I am happy alone, I am happier loving someone, it can just never be the same for me alone (I am not a lonely person to be clear..) But I believe I do need to remember that life cannot be lived in my head, full of filters, but it must be lived in reality and open to all the gifts people have to bring to the table not just my idea of what should be..that is when I shut down and retreat to my head, alone..It is all a process, I do forget what being in love is like, the many, many, many dimensions of it.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Time
I dreamt last night that my little girl was a baby, about 6 months old. And there was this tremendous love as I held her, I could not get enough. I woke up remembering how much I loved her as a baby. That beautiful chubby baby that I could hold and hold. I miss it. I loved it. I have so many dreams that are frustrating and sad and difficult..I wish I did not want. Well they come and go. So to have a dream full of love is such a wonderful thing.
Maybe I had the dream because I am feeling more full of love these days, in a way that had left me for a long time. It is easy to forget how that feels. One just gets used to a new way of being. But now that I feel love again, I don't know how I let it go. I am listening to a song right now, and the chorus is "..don't let it go.." and it seems fitting. "Have a little faith in me, and I will have a little faith in you..so have a little faith in me..don't let it go.." Michael Franti..love it..
I used to clean my house because it was a way to move my energy and keep my mind moving. I would probably have cleaned until my hands bled, so I could feel some completion, so it was some how all worth it..my hands never did bleed, but I guess I did in my heart. But now I am cleaning, and I am finding it far more freeing than a safety net. I found faith in me, and I am glad.
Dreams float around my head now, for the future. I believe that life is so fleeting, and that one day, in the not far future in the continuum of life, we will not matter anyhow. So I want to matter why I am here. I want to matter for my family and my children and my friends and the one I love. I will die happy that way.
My life has in some ways been a series of mistakes, and yet I seem to be open to throwing myself more into the unknown, perhaps it is just the way I am wired. I believe that love and forgiveness are the cornerstone of why we are here. It is strange to be, so much goes with it, and yet at the end of the day it matters so little. I suppose it is all in the moments, not in the total length of time.
Maybe I had the dream because I am feeling more full of love these days, in a way that had left me for a long time. It is easy to forget how that feels. One just gets used to a new way of being. But now that I feel love again, I don't know how I let it go. I am listening to a song right now, and the chorus is "..don't let it go.." and it seems fitting. "Have a little faith in me, and I will have a little faith in you..so have a little faith in me..don't let it go.." Michael Franti..love it..
I used to clean my house because it was a way to move my energy and keep my mind moving. I would probably have cleaned until my hands bled, so I could feel some completion, so it was some how all worth it..my hands never did bleed, but I guess I did in my heart. But now I am cleaning, and I am finding it far more freeing than a safety net. I found faith in me, and I am glad.
Dreams float around my head now, for the future. I believe that life is so fleeting, and that one day, in the not far future in the continuum of life, we will not matter anyhow. So I want to matter why I am here. I want to matter for my family and my children and my friends and the one I love. I will die happy that way.
My life has in some ways been a series of mistakes, and yet I seem to be open to throwing myself more into the unknown, perhaps it is just the way I am wired. I believe that love and forgiveness are the cornerstone of why we are here. It is strange to be, so much goes with it, and yet at the end of the day it matters so little. I suppose it is all in the moments, not in the total length of time.
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