The Number 10

The number 10 is on my mind. I have not written 10 blogs entries in one month...oops, yes I did, last November, but that was a different time, before I fell apart. Doesn't sound hard, but it kind of is, or is it..? I don't know. Creativity is not something that just sits on the shelf and calls out "pick me pick me!" And you take it down and open it up and there is a roadmap of all you will do. It is more like a hidden path, a game of hide and seek, trying to open your locker in 7th grade and forgetting your combination..for me it has tremendous peaks when I am consumed, and then can drop to bleak depths, and I wonder, will I ever have anything else ever again to say? And that is a frightening thought. I hope it does not happen.

So I Googled meanings for the number 10, and there were a whole lot of them. Quite interesting really. This one spoke to me:

The number ten is regarded as the most perfect of numbers, because it contains the Unit that did it all, and the zero, symbol of the matter and the Chaos, of which all came out; it then includes in its figure the created and the non-created, the beginning and the end, the power and the force, the life and the nothing.

Funny. I just wanted to reach 10 blogs in one month as some sort of little milestone to myself. But now I have a whole new thought about the number 10. Maybe there is some sign here. That I made it through the beginning and the end, the life and the nothing, the created and the non created. Just a whole lot of nothingness engulfed in a whole lot of something. And tonight I wish I could unlock that locker, find the wardrobe, whatever..because I feel like there are things setting up before me, but I cannot see them, but there is all this stuff going on, like cotton candy swirling around, light and fluffy and sweet, but disappears so fast. I don't want to miss it. But I don't really feel like I have to do anything, it is all being done for me.

Here and There

This past week I have mostly been out of my present life, and that was oh so good. I don't think I realized how much I liked it, until I was back front and center with my present life, to be able to distinguish the very different reality that seeps in when I am not here. "Here" whatever that means. Here is wherever we go..not so for me. Here is this house, this town, this life I am living that once was a plan, some plan with plans within the plan. Now I am just a visitor to this "here" and mostly wish I could go to "there" instead. Funny, not intentionally, but I really sound like a Dr. Seuss book right now..

Almost by the mile, as I leave this house, this town, this plan that never worked out, as the miles stretch behind me and in front of me, whether by car, plane, or boat (Dr Seuss again..) but really all kidding aside, it is like I leave a dimension, and find some sort of new air, some new space that I can just crawl out of my little snail shell, unwrap myself and stretch out a bit, and all of that, and there is so much of "that" it all just seems to evaporate and I barely recognize it anymore.And that is such a freeing feeling. The feeling I have sought for almost a year now, to run away, and I cannot, which is like some kind of sentence, for a crime I did not commit.

So while I am forced to stay here, and cannot go there, I do so in my writing and my oil paintings, and sometimes in my dreams when they are not haunted, seeking a new me and and a new day..seeking so quietly, in the quiet that has become my here.

Haunted in My Dreams

Lately I have been haunted by dreams. Of him. So life-like, I wake up wondering, recalling what time and space I am in, and letting it all go once again. And I wonder why do I have these dreams, and is he in them in the dream dimension with me, do we somehow meet in my dreams, like dead people do when they come back to see the living in dreams. I suppose that could be true, we now exist in some other dimension. And one day I might not have the dreams anymore, and that is a sad thought, that it will all be gone. Or even more difficult is that I will keep having the dreams, and I will be forever in some other dimension, at least 8 hours a day. My doctor told me she still sometimes dreams of her ex, and she said it in a sad and forlorn way, with tears almost spilling over, and yet she is remarried. I remembered thinking that day, "I don't want to me in that space, one day, whenever that is, I don't want to be in that space," like between 2 dimensions, with legs stretched out between two.

It is most difficult to wake up and let the dream go--the dream I just had and the literal dream of it all as well, letting it go over and over. Then to pack it up into a small little box, and make my bed and stretch around on my pink yoga mat, and try to find some semblance of meaning again, like I keep doing Ground Hog day, over and over and over again.

I too have my legs stretched out between two dimensions--a past and an unknown future. Not secure in either. And my present, well it just is, there really is very little going on, perhaps there are more things going on than I even see, maybe life is rearranging itself right in front of my eyes, and one day, the drape will be removed from the artwork and I will say "wow."

Jumping Off Bridges

I found out today that a lady tried to jump off our local, very high!! bridge last night. Apparently she stopped her car, and was climbing over the ledge, and some guy driving by spotted her and basically came to her rescue. Talking her out of it, along with a few other people, one a very good friend of mine. Seems stress and foreclosure (that is what the article said) were the culprits..I don't know the whole story. I am truly glad they saved her life.

Here is what I do know. Ending one's life is n e v e r the answer, we all know that on some deep level, all it is, is ending one's life. I know, how heart breaking and dismal life can be, but that is life, like the Game of Life, right, we never know what space we will land on (and the game is pretty damn tame.) I know, right now I sound like a callous bitch in a way, (I could put the witch that graces the Carrie blog in for my photo..hah) but I don't mean to sound bad. I just am seeing things differently these days, well sometimes.

First off, jumping off a very high bridge, in the freezing rain down a really long way to freezing deep dark water sounds just awful. Let alone the dying part!! The idea of being really scared, freezing and wet, right there I would never contemplate jumping off a bridge. Sounds nuts, but my mind does work that way. And then what if you don't die right away, or you slowly drown, or you suffer brain damage or paralysis, on and on. But again, jumping off a bridge is not an answer. Just like people this past year have killed their whole family due to financial strain, foreclosure, ruin, these are all awful things, no doubt, and really tough to deal with and move on from, but what else have we but time and so many resources to move forward. There is always at least one person hanging out somewhere, a minister, a long lost friend, a family member, a shelter, someone who lends that first hand, we just have to look for it.

I understand the depths of misery and the doom of lingering despair, that sits around almost laughing at us, so well. I have tried really hard lately to view my life at the 30,000 foot level, the one year later level, the humor in everything level, and really, there are always other ways to look at things. Life is just this weird thing. We have all these rules and expectations and ways things should be, all created by man and somehow became real to us. While we should try to live our best life here, and I mean, honest, loving, true, kind, helpful, and all those glorious qualities, we must at some point realize it is like Horton Hears a Who, and we are all just very small specks in a vast universe that never ends. We matter and yet we don't, that is a difficult balance to comprehend.

Carrie Prejean

I really have not followed this story much. She just seemed like some dumb, disgruntled, fallen beauty queen, yesterday's news, who cares. Even her name, I thought it was "pre jean (like jeans you wear) but no, it is "pra john" if I am saying it correctly, even that just bugs me..oh well.Again, there are so many important, hearbreaking stories out there, her story just seemed so dumb I did not know why it was getting any attention--something about same sex marriage question at the pageant, then problems with the officials with her role, she gets canned--I thought that was funny--I thought that was it..and then she wrote a book, what?..she has a personal sex tape she made when she was 17 that has surfaced..(rumor is she was older than 17..)

Last night when I sat down to eat my dinner by myself, I thought I would flip on Larry King, I always enjoy his interviews, and there sits little Miss Bitch herself, you just want to throw up when you see her. She is so PHONY. She just keeps turning questions into answers somehow to promote her book. I love it when she says she wants to be a voice for young women out there, to give them guidance, to let them know there is no privacy anymore. She is TWENTY TWO, how is she any expert, any role model, any a n y t h i n g?? She is a total nothing. When she said Sarah Palin (gag!) is her role model, that was beyond funny. I think she used words like "great mother, brilliant" and I cannot remember what else because I was gagging!! I almost fell off my chair laughing!! It was like watching something from Saturday Night Live!! And then, she has the audacity to say to Larry King, "Larry, you're being inappropriate. You really are." I mean he is one of the biggest interviewers ever, and here sits some dumb little POS beauty queen being rude to him, it was too much, like who the hell is she!!

Then I read this today..

Keith Lewis, the executive director of the Miss California pageant, is clearly pleased with the outcome of Prejean's recent interviews. "The public is finally getting a glimpse of the real Carrie Prejean who lives in her own delusional world," he said in a statement to E! News. "The childish behavior, her negative attitude, the sarcasm and condescending tone, the disrespect and continual lying she is demonstrating now is only a fraction of what we endured during her reign and after. Anyone who buys her book is supporting a woman who is actually the opposite of everything she claims to be. I sincerely hope she is able to get the psychological help I believe she has shown to clearly need."

Yeppers, that is what I thought, totally delusional, she is a total narcissist (and I am somewhat of an expert..) She did so much harm to herself last night by being such a total fool on his show.
Let's hope her 15 minutes are over, and not a soul buys her dumb book (unfortunately Sarah's book seems to have become a best seller--let's hope her 30 minutes are almost over--what another loser..)

Ugh. These dopey women just need to disappear. They have no sense of reality. Just watching her on Larry King, was like "who the hell does she think she is??" She said she wants to be just regular old Carrie and go back to college. Please do. Please do us all a favor and go enroll in some junior college somewhere and we can forget all about you, or become a porn star!

Colleen Shipman...Victim

I think we all almost forgot about the bizarre love triangle in the astronaut world--Lisa Nowak, Colleen Shipman, Bill Oefelein. It was so bizarre when it first came out, d i a p e r s! I think was what everyone was most intrigued about..c'mon, it has to be one of the first things you think of!! Some crazy women scorned, decides to go "talk" to the other woman, by driving like a bat out of hell in diapers with a car stocked with stuff to kill her (they say) and confronts her at her car at the airport and blasts her with pepper spray. Like a really bad Lifetime movie, if you ask me.

Anyhow, I forgot about the story..I cannot believe it has taken this long for closure. But really this is about Colleen. I always thought Lisa was some kind of wacko, and I still do. I don't really think she is a murderder or a potential one though, just another woman wacked out by being rejected--but what do I know. She only got one year probation and a few other things--one thing to write a "real" letter of apology to Colleen--I am not sure who that benefits?? like Colleen really wants one!! I think she should have gotten way more probation and way more than 50 hours of community service--like 365 hours, and something dismal, like picking up shit. But whatever, again she is nutsy, and she

r u i n e d her life by her own actions. But this is really about Colleen.

Wow. I could barely watch her speak to the judge. Did she have any coaching at all?? Did anyone bother to tell her that it was a slam dunk that Lisa was not going away to prison? She looked like this wilted frail flower who at any minute was going to have a total breakdown. I think what happened to her was certainly bad, bizarre, and frightening at the time. But when she said things like ....

"Shortly after I turned 30 years old, Lisa Nowak hunted me down and attacked me in a dark parking lot," she said, adding that she is "still reeling from her vicious attack" and attempting to piece her life back together. "The world as I knew it before Lisa Nowak is gone," Shipman said. "Every stranger I see is a potential attacker. Going out in public is exhausting." She said she has undergone nearly three years of counseling, but suffers from nightmares, anxiety and health problems such as high blood pressure and chest pains because of the incident.

...she has not moved forward at all, not one inch. She IS now letting this bullshit totally change and take over her whole life. She lost her career over it because of health and other issues, crazy. I mean it is not like she was raped, or tortured, or living in a prison camp for 5 years, and she GOT the guy, they are together, which I find just unbelievable!! I wish she had some really powerful coaching, to get up there, incredibly strong and powerful and together, and bascially say "F **K Y O U "to Lisa and also to the media who I guess has caused her misery. Really. We at some point just have to take control. I find it hard to believe she was some go getter, powerful, vibrant, determined woman before..she just reeks weak. I am sorry to say. I don't want to bad mouth her, and that is not the point. The point is she let Lisa win, it was real clear in her letter, it was almost unbelievable to me, again who helped her with it..this was her chance to totally shine and she totally faltered, it was difficult watching her.

We all have these crappy things happen to us. Some F A R worse than others, to be sure. Overall my life has been a total cake walk. I should not complain or cry for one minute of one day considering the "gifts" I was born with, have been given and the beautiful life I have led. Really. And yet I have complained, I have cried myself to dark depths, like us all, I suppose. But I am not a victim, and I will go on and hold my head very high and say F**K YOU when needed.

One Year

I am happy to say I have been a blogger now for O N E year. I am truly excited about this accomplishment. It seems so easy, doesn't it, to throw some words down on paper, a lot, but I speak from experience, it is not. Well it is not hard like rocket science or brain surgery, certainly not!but there is a dedication to it, a certain willingness to hear your voice and create something from the swirlings in your head, often.

This past year has been quite a year for me. Full of new things, and old things going away. My marriage, it went away. It is gone. I still think about it, as it stretches out before me, like a ship getting further and further out to sea, and I have to strain my eyes and search to still see it, and quickly it is fading. And everytime I think about it, I find tears welling up, like right this second while I write this..because it is oh so hard to say goodbye to your life. But I am saying goodbye to it, and it is my destiny, curiously so, the last two blog subjects I have written about. I miss what was. There is no denying that. Or perhaps I miss what I wanted to see and to have, as I have said before, but it does not matter, it is fading quite fast.

But I decided a long time ago that this year could not just be about divorce, I could not just remember it that way. I think every sad and awful memory must have other things created as well, to somehow balance it all, otherwise we just slowly or quickly fall apart, and I am not someone who is going to fall apart.

So I blogged, and a lot. There were times I stared at a page, willing words to appear. There are blogs I have written that still make me cry, I don't know if that is normal, but I am overcome often by reading what I wrote. It is like these moments I have captured so I would not forget them.

And I painted oil paintings. I never painted before. Tonight I look at my 8th painting, which was my goal for 2009. It is a whimsical genie lantern, with hearts coming out of it, and it almost has the feeling of sugar and candy and sweetness and fluffy clouds. This one is for my little one. I have loved all my paintings. They all are based in emotions and all have meaning to me. They are different than writing, as I can feel them so easily, so effortlessly, and they are reminders to me of where I have been and what I have seen deep down, and the inspiration I have felt. Are they great, god I don't have a clue--I like them :) but what does that mean, does it matter anyhow..

And I worked on my book Finding Saratoga which is a tiring undertaking to write about one's life in any sort of meaningful way, and wonder if anyone will ever want to read it.

And I have read and read book upon book, from Twilight to Tori Spelling's Stori Telling and everything in between. And I have done yoga religiously and I have cried in the garden and out while running. I have spent countless hours alone, in essence staring out to sea as the ship left my view.

So in the last year I created something of me. Something more than just the obvious at the moment, some sort of legacy that I can leave behind. As we never know when that will be, and in my organizing way, I feel prepared.

Creating Our Destiny

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.Watch your words, for they become actions.Watch your actions, for they become habits.Watch your habits, for they become character.Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love getting these inspirational messages in my in box every morning. Every time I read a message a little bell rings in my head ..like..."teacher says every time a bell rings, daddy, an angel gets his wings.." Remember what movie that is from...It is a Wonderful Life..which happens to be my favorite movie ever. ..Anyhow...when the little bell rings inside my head, I am not sure if I am getting angel wings or anything else...but it does give me the opportunity to reflect on my life. Sometimes I wonder, "wow, how did I get here.." I mean there are endless paths to take, although it often does not seem so, and where I am is all about the paths I took. I clearly remember EXIT signs as well, but I did not heed them, it was like I just could not read them, and I kept on my path.

Looking at that paragraph above, it is easy to start with my thoughts..somewhere a long time ago, I decided I was not good enough, I did not deserve the shining care and attention and love and respect, I decided I was not worth what I really knew I was..so I put myself "on sale." And I pretty much said I was "on sale," and I acted like I was not top notch, and I got used to it. And I created this "me" that was not "me" at all, and I created my destiny. A life span over the last 30 years since young adulthood.

Some of the choices I have made have been good, they have been good paths, like work. I don't love what I do, but it is a great job and has had longevity, great places to work, great people to work with, at times fabulous pay, and very stable overall. I made that decision when I was 22 and saw sales people in my office where I was an admin., and knew right then and there I had to get on that path. That was a good decision, but a bad decision over and over on dealing with money...if I had been smart, I would be very well off. But I was not smart with my money, and that was along the path that were the wrong decisions...

Having my two children were my best decisions ever. They are my legacy and there is nothing I could do in my own life that rivals having them and what they have to offer the world.

I have made lots of good choices, and I am really happy to see that. But along the line, I made blind decisons on my life, on being loved, on being valued, and I just was on a train I could not stop or get off. It is amazing how we survive these rides we put ourselves on. Some people are not fortunate and they never get off, they live a life of quiet desparation, and silent misery, and go to the grave or the crematorium having missed their life.

I am lucky, I saw an EXIT sign in the last year and I noticed it, for the first time in a long time, I was awake. I did NOT want to see the sign, I really wanted the sign to be a DETOUR or UNDER CONSTRUCTION sign, but it wasn't. So I got off that freeway or off that train, and started something altogether new, while keeping a lot of the old, interesting how it all weaves together, all the time, always weaving, some threads are being pulled out, some are brand new, some just keep the same pattern.

So I am watching my thoughts these days, really closely,because at the end of the day they will shape what is left of my destiny. I believe I have so much to offer, and scold myself for hiding out for so long. I am here now, and want to shine.

$200 Jeans

I am not sold on $200+ jeans. I tried to be. I went this summer and tried on a dozen pairs. The salesgirl and my older daughter gave me their opinion, almost always telling me to go a size smaller, and I am a 2..really, smaller? It was exhausting and well a little bit fun, I felt like I finally was in the "inner circle" with all these ladies who run around town in the fancy jeans. So they convinced me I needed the smallest size, which had to be ordered. So I waited and waited. Then tried them on, and hung them up in my closet, waiting for the big day. Then a month later I tried them again and thought, you know, I don't like them this tight, so back they went for the next size (25 instead of a 24.) And they waited in my closet for the big day. Then recently I tried them on again, and thought, you know, I don't really even like them, I certainly don't love them! I want to love them, so I too can sport my $200 jeans. But honestly....I love my Gap jeans, and they were only $60. They fit way better and are not so loud. Maybe I have just missed the mark and don't know fashion, I don't think so..And I needed the $200, and the tags were on, so back they went and in a dash the $200 was back in my account, and I did not blink an eye. What a big waste of time this was.

Now I know, I know, there are thousands, millions? of women who say that these expensive jeans, and there are tons of brands as I found out at Nordstroms, are so worth it. I tried on 12 pairs, and did not feel really terrific in any of them. I found it hard to believe they were $200+. Now there are some styles I really like, like the bleaching, holes, rivets, etc..I L O V E the ones with the rips and holes, but really...I could probably create that myself....I think jeans have gotten pretty cool..but really...they ARE worth $200? as they tell us how much hand work etc.. goes into them..it just seems ridiculous to me. Somewhere along the line, women have been well marketed to, to think these $200+ jeans are going to make their butt look so great (it kind of does or it doesn't, sorry!) So I tried, I tried to be a fan. I might go back at some point and try on a dozen again, to see if I change my mind..I did like some of them..they were kind of cute..$100+ I can go for that, after that it just starts to seem like a waste of money.

And people are starving, and don't know where they will sleep tonight...cannot lose sight of that.

Mary Janes

Today was just one of those days that worked. Do you ever stumble upon one of those, or maybe you have many, I would like to have more..everything is good, the energy just flows really well, and you just go through the day, well, happy.

My shoe broke at the conference I was at, and it was a huge bummer, because I was faced to make a decision about the broken strap on one shoe and what to do about the other shoe, scissors seemed like the best answer in the time and space..and I hated to do it, to cut the straps on one of my most favorite pair of shoes--black patent leather platform Mary Janes, but it was one of those times when the decision had to be made then and there. So they went from Mary Janes to Pumps in about 10 seconds, and now they were too big without the strap holding me in, so I had to stuff the toe with tissue, and really it was all kind of funny, like a scene from a sitcom. But my day went on, and on well. After I drove home, I took them to a shoe repair shop, and the guy was so nice, and complimented my small 6 1/2 size foot, and said he could fix them--so I look forward to seeing what he creates.

Funny, as I write this, it is almost like I am having a moment of clarity. It would be so nice, and easy too, if when faced with problems, dilemmas, challenges, that a decision could be made quickly, with humor if possible, no looking back and then the day continues. Why cannot all of life be like a broken pair of shoes. Good thing we can make light of a broken pair of shoes, because every day would be so stinking difficult. I just wish I could have viewed this last year of my life like a broken strap on my favorite Mary Janes, and I could have taken that to the shoe repair guy, and he would have given me a compliment on my 6 1/2 size foot, and I would have walked out of the store with everything wrapped up. Instead, my shoe broke this year, and I did not want to cut the other shoe strap to match, if anything I kept the broken shoe around for a long time wondering what to do, quite despondent over it, I found no humor in it, no one was handing out compliments and there was no repair shop. With the strap broken, I was no longer being held in, and there was not enough tissue to stuff it to hold me down. I floated right out of those shoes into some other place. And the shoes, that represented my broken life were not repaired.

So maybe my broken shoe today was some sort of moment of clarity, that broken things can be fixed, sometimes quite easily, sometimes not so easily, but most things will get fixed, at some point. Silly I know, all over a pair of Mary Janes, but I am loving the symbolism right now. It is almost like the old me, that I had forgotten about, who can do quite well on her own, was peeking through it all.. Truth be told, there was a fleeting thought of feeling alone, when the strap broke, and in the past I could have shared that with my husband, the best friend call. But for that moment I had only me to share it with, and I did.