I am happy to say I have been a blogger now for O N E year. I am truly excited about this accomplishment. It seems so easy, doesn't it, to throw some words down on paper, a lot, but I speak from experience, it is not. Well it is not hard like rocket science or brain surgery, certainly not!but there is a dedication to it, a certain willingness to hear your voice and create something from the swirlings in your head, often.
This past year has been quite a year for me. Full of new things, and old things going away. My marriage, it went away. It is gone. I still think about it, as it stretches out before me, like a ship getting further and further out to sea, and I have to strain my eyes and search to still see it, and quickly it is fading. And everytime I think about it, I find tears welling up, like right this second while I write this..because it is oh so hard to say goodbye to your life. But I am saying goodbye to it, and it is my destiny, curiously so, the last two blog subjects I have written about. I miss what was. There is no denying that. Or perhaps I miss what I wanted to see and to have, as I have said before, but it does not matter, it is fading quite fast.
But I decided a long time ago that this year could not just be about divorce, I could not just remember it that way. I think every sad and awful memory must have other things created as well, to somehow balance it all, otherwise we just slowly or quickly fall apart, and I am not someone who is going to fall apart.
So I blogged, and a lot. There were times I stared at a page, willing words to appear. There are blogs I have written that still make me cry, I don't know if that is normal, but I am overcome often by reading what I wrote. It is like these moments I have captured so I would not forget them.
And I painted oil paintings. I never painted before. Tonight I look at my 8th painting, which was my goal for 2009. It is a whimsical genie lantern, with hearts coming out of it, and it almost has the feeling of sugar and candy and sweetness and fluffy clouds. This one is for my little one. I have loved all my paintings. They all are based in emotions and all have meaning to me. They are different than writing, as I can feel them so easily, so effortlessly, and they are reminders to me of where I have been and what I have seen deep down, and the inspiration I have felt. Are they great, god I don't have a clue--I like them :) but what does that mean, does it matter anyhow..
And I worked on my book Finding Saratoga which is a tiring undertaking to write about one's life in any sort of meaningful way, and wonder if anyone will ever want to read it.
And I have read and read book upon book, from Twilight to Tori Spelling's Stori Telling and everything in between. And I have done yoga religiously and I have cried in the garden and out while running. I have spent countless hours alone, in essence staring out to sea as the ship left my view.
So in the last year I created something of me. Something more than just the obvious at the moment, some sort of legacy that I can leave behind. As we never know when that will be, and in my organizing way, I feel prepared.
This past year has been quite a year for me. Full of new things, and old things going away. My marriage, it went away. It is gone. I still think about it, as it stretches out before me, like a ship getting further and further out to sea, and I have to strain my eyes and search to still see it, and quickly it is fading. And everytime I think about it, I find tears welling up, like right this second while I write this..because it is oh so hard to say goodbye to your life. But I am saying goodbye to it, and it is my destiny, curiously so, the last two blog subjects I have written about. I miss what was. There is no denying that. Or perhaps I miss what I wanted to see and to have, as I have said before, but it does not matter, it is fading quite fast.
But I decided a long time ago that this year could not just be about divorce, I could not just remember it that way. I think every sad and awful memory must have other things created as well, to somehow balance it all, otherwise we just slowly or quickly fall apart, and I am not someone who is going to fall apart.
So I blogged, and a lot. There were times I stared at a page, willing words to appear. There are blogs I have written that still make me cry, I don't know if that is normal, but I am overcome often by reading what I wrote. It is like these moments I have captured so I would not forget them.
And I painted oil paintings. I never painted before. Tonight I look at my 8th painting, which was my goal for 2009. It is a whimsical genie lantern, with hearts coming out of it, and it almost has the feeling of sugar and candy and sweetness and fluffy clouds. This one is for my little one. I have loved all my paintings. They all are based in emotions and all have meaning to me. They are different than writing, as I can feel them so easily, so effortlessly, and they are reminders to me of where I have been and what I have seen deep down, and the inspiration I have felt. Are they great, god I don't have a clue--I like them :) but what does that mean, does it matter anyhow..
And I worked on my book Finding Saratoga which is a tiring undertaking to write about one's life in any sort of meaningful way, and wonder if anyone will ever want to read it.
And I have read and read book upon book, from Twilight to Tori Spelling's Stori Telling and everything in between. And I have done yoga religiously and I have cried in the garden and out while running. I have spent countless hours alone, in essence staring out to sea as the ship left my view.
So in the last year I created something of me. Something more than just the obvious at the moment, some sort of legacy that I can leave behind. As we never know when that will be, and in my organizing way, I feel prepared.
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