Years Pass Fast

I am astounded that I have lived in my current home for 5 years. First off, I have never lived in a place for more than 3 years in my entire adult life. That has always somewhat amazed me..it did not seem so at the time, but I really moved around a lot. I feel further behind the 8 ball in the financial department...like I went full circle back to nowhere. The rest of my life is really good, I am happy to say. I got my marriage/divorce complete and behind me. I am at peace with all of it. I am in better shape than I was 5 years ago. I like the way I look more than I did then. I am in love again. I am happy every day, maybe not all day, but I don't have a sense of dread looming over me. But finances, finances elude me. I don't want to be "reasons" I want to be "results." It is my project to get my arms around. Really I should be so far along. The "shoulds" is a very long list. I wish I had a trust fund, that would be really nice :) But I don't, that is the reality. The reality is I need to get my arms around this and handle it, I need 2011 to be my break out year. I cannot be here in another year wondering what I did for a year. I recall Terri Hatcher saying that before she got Desperate Housewives, she remembers being in her kitchen (she may have even said sitting on the floor) and wondering how she would pay her mortgage. I am not in that situation..but I found it somewhat comforting to read that--I mean she has had success in Hollywood, but in her 40s she really had gone nowhere.. then, it appears all that changed with her big break. I believe in breaks, although I suppose it might be where organization and planning meet one lucky moment. The passing of time is really before me..day to day it does not seem so fast, but then suddenly years have passed.

Bad Dreams

I had totally bizarre dreams last night..one about my new boyfriend and one about my ex husband. I cannot believe I dreamt about them both on the same night. Both dreams were disconcerting and I wonder why I had them. Well, the heat was on too high..so that contributed to the weird dreams--sleeping in a house that is too hot can do that! But beyond that, I wonder where my head is or was, to conjur these up. I may be on some sort of bridge, without even knowing it. Like every day I get further and further and further over the bridge of "divorce and being over" and further and further over the bridge of "new beginnings and love." It is like I am split and walking both bridges at the same time. It is weird, how long and full of turns the journeys of the heart are. At this moment I feel good about both bridges. The walk across them gets easier and easier. I think of romantic love, like music, or art, or the great unknown..things that just cannot be touched or seen or expressed, but they are there. It is like this great mystery to me and at times I can cross into an another reality with it all. I don't see love in black and white. It is a very complicated dance, and at the same time so easy.

Love is Never Done

I thought this morning that love is never done. It is not just like we love someone. Love keeps growing and we love them more. I guess I had forgotten about that for quite a long while. Being in love again is new to me, and I had not thought past just being in love. But love is like this never empty treasure chest. We don't just love someone. We love them more and more and more. I forgot about that. And I guess it is the loving them more and more, which makes it that much harder when people die or leave, because we have logged in so many hours, days, months and even years of loving them. I forgot that the heart just keeps expanding for those we love, it is like we can never be done with love. And so I looked at him in the early dawn light, and realized I am falling further and further into love, there is more and more to see and know at every turn, every waking and non waking moment. Love does not sit on a shelf and gesture to you to come and look..it flies all around the room and it engulfs you at the same time. Being on this journey again is what I did hope for, in all those dark days, when my eyes were purple from crying, but I could not see past the heartbreak of losing. Now I am on the other side.