New Year

Here we are. Out of 2008. What a ride 2008 was, especially September - December. I don't remember feeling like that in awhile, just a sense of gloom riding along on my shoulder every day. I guess I am amazed at the end of the day how MUCH of our lives revolve around money. If you think about it, it really is astounding and unsettling. I am sitting here right now just taking that in. I don't want 2009 to be about money. I want it to be about getting in shape, writing, having fun with my little daughter, being a better wife, seeing my older daughter more, seeing my family. I wanted to say planning a trip, but that takes money! Every day my work is about money. I guess most of us who work can say that! If you are in sales, then it really is about money. How do we just turn it off?

At this very moment, I am sitting in my warm and very quiet office with only the sound of the heater in the distance and the desk light illuminating my space. The new year is just baby brand new at this time. I want to think this way every single day, and approach life with a sense of excitement and wonder at what lies ahead. I love stillness and total quiet.

My niece has a wonderful photo on Facebook, of my big brother and his wife holding my niece when she is just a month old or so, and their family dog is in the picture. The picture is about 20 years old. It was like looking at a piece of history the other day, I could not believe how young my brother and his wife look--in many ways just starting our on their path. The photo is classic--it really could represent any family. I realized how young I must look in my pictures from 20 years ago as well! Photos like that capture so much, plans and hopes and ambitions and love and youth and wonder. I guess that photo was like a New Years message to me, and I just stumbled upon it, but it stuck with me. How did my brother get to be almost 48 and me 45? I keep thinking we are like 20 something..

Always, always, we don't know what is around the corner. Hell I don't know what is around the corner when I leave my desk in 5 minutes..

I did accomplish something in 2008 that I am really excited about. I wrote 17 blogs in my personal one and 17 in my commercial one, and I worked a lot on my book, getting up to almost 60 pages--these might not sound like a big deal, but I have certainly found, not that I already did not know, that writing takes a tremendous amount of commitment and searching ones mind to put something down that is the least bit interesting, and then at other times it can be the easiest thing to do. I was inspired by Marley and Me, and want to live into the dream of being a writer. Right now, this little blog does not have much of a following--does it have one?

So here is to 2009..to wondering and thinking less about money, as a worry anyhow. To creativity and fun and love and to finding and seeing new things just waiting to be found.

Memory Lane

Today I saw the very well received movie, Marley and Me. I have to say I loved it, and loved it more than I thought I would. I loved it so much I could see it becoming a holiday season kind of classic, that one watches to remind oneself how good life is, how fleeting, how fragile, like my two favorites, Family Man and It is a Wonderful Life.

I had to almost hold myself from just sobbing towards the end, which was much more in response to the dog dying, which is always grueling to watch or even hear about, but the "much more" is like a trip down memory lane, conjuring up so many memories and events that it almost becomes emotion overload and I have to keep myself in check with fear of just totally losing it in the movie theater. Plus I had my little daughter and her friend with me, and I think it would be too much for them. Sweet as they are, their life does not have a long memory lane yet, no regrets, no mistakes, it is for the most part still in its purest form.

So many elements of the film hit me in some way, like the tennis ball machine that keeps firing balls at you when you try to learn tennis, and you keep swinging away. That is how I felt watching the movie--again and again being hit in emotion central.

The young couple, young and newly weds and starting out. This does not totally ring true for me, but parts do. I have been a newly wed 2 times--the first time was quite short, not even 9 months until my daughter arrived. I never felt like my ex husband and I were best friends, not even good friends, which I think was our fatal flaw. I would have liked to have been, but maybe it was just a timing thing, I don't know. But then I was a newly wed again about 10 years later, and we were newly weds for quite some time, even had a break up before having our daughter. And I have to say my current husband is my best friend, although sometimes we don't treat each other like best friends, and sometimes I feel like a little kid on the playground who has just been told, "You are not my best friend anymore." And that was the first emotion lobbed at me, that I felt like I was missing something with my current husband, that we were not sticking together well, but causing each other often discontent. But even in the film as they aged and their life took twists and turns, they stay commited to the bigger picture and to each other if always certainly their relationship. It made me feel a bit weak about how I have been and wanting more for us.

The kids of course are another emotion that came my way. I have been fortunate to have two beautiful and bright daughters. I love any movie or tv show that has family in it--it is a comfort zone for me. But I see my own shortcomings as a parent and things I would do different and the total passing of time, all too fast.

The dog. How is it that dogs so pull at our heart strings. We all know that dogs are mans best friends, and we all know they love you no matter what. But any book or movie that deals with the life of a dog is always a tear jerker, it just is so. It was another emtion lobbed at me, that I feel weak in the pet owner department. I have struggled with our two dogs to be the kind of pet owner that just lets it all be. And in the movie they were--I mean none of it really bothered them--just a little bit when the mom was at her wit's end, but she bounced right back. And yet I do love our dogs, they are great little guys. I sat there wanting to weep more, but knowing I could not, and yet I wonder when their day will come as they are now 14. To say they are the top of my husband's list would be an understatement, he is such a good pet owner.

Another emotion brought up for me was the idea of writing. The husband was a columnist, an accidental one at that, who had wanted to be a top reporter covering worldy events, and ended up covering nothing as he wrote columns about his every day life, and probably ended up covering more than any worldly event. How I would love that for my job. Maybe this little blog fills that space for me, Danna's own column, even if no one reads it, it is being written.

So much packed into 2 hours. I guess I wish I could just be alone right now and let all the sad memories flow through me and let my eyes cry and cry. I feel so often there just is not the time for that. I guess movies kind of give us a little glimpse into ourselves before we come back into the bright lobby and don't want to catch other people glance at us, and our telling eyes.

Getting Through

I feel like I should have a title like Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, or How I Love the Holidays, but I am not feeling any of that. I am feeling, can we be done with the holidays, can we be done with this year, can I take a vacation..

Where are the holidays in real life that look like pictures in the JCrew catalog? I mean they are here, in and out, and a snip it here and there, but often it is just a lot of work, hassle, money, crappy weather, disappoinment, opportunities missed, time gone by, and so fast, that may be the crux of it all.

I don't want to sit here and feel like Mrs. Grinch, because I am not at all. I have so many blessings. But so much of this month is a drag, I mean how does one keep finding every day the happy face, the "I am so lucky" the "Happy Holidays" said to everyone, I find it all quite exhausting. And the wrapping and the cleaning and the cooking and the dishes, just to keep doing it over and over--where is my $#@*# holiday spirit? I think it got thrown out with the yet another bag of dog vomit that I have been picking up now for 5 days straight at 6 in the morning. And that is about as Holiday Spirit as it comes!

I guess I just don't have it in me to keep pulling out all the love and warmth I need to give to everyone whether I want to or not, and at any given moment's notice. I guess when the holidays start right after Thanksgiving, it just does get to be too long and too much. And I find myself on December 26 so excited to strip away the Christmas decorations along with the whole theme, and have an undecorated home as I move into January and just sit, sit and maybe do nothing.Certainly not run around and say Happy Holidays.

And so yeah, whoever reads this might say,"What a Mrs Grinch." But I am not, honestly. But at this given moment my steam has run out for the holidays. Maybe a couple of movies are in my future this week, maybe a new game or two with my daughter, maybe I will even throw myself into her new puppet theater and see if I can come up with a funny commercial--that sounds that most fun of all--making a puppet out of myself.

Auld Lang Syne

The other day when I was at Target, one of my favorite stores!, I thought I would look for another Christmas CD--as I have many, but even after awhile they get a little tiresome.
Once I looked at it, the first song was Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg, and that was all it took!

God I love that song. It takes me back in an instant to my high school days and all my girl friends and how much we all loved that song. I remember the Christmas season being so much fun back then. We all took such good care of each other with little gifts and parties at each other's homes and going out to dinner and things like that.

I have a picture somewhere of me with Cindy and Lisa, and I am in my red heart turtleneck and red sweater and 501s and my Mia clogs I think they were, God I loved those shoes and wish that I had them now, the kind with the back strap, and I am sitting behind them outside, as we sat on the curb I think, and I think it was at the Peppermill which was also one of our favorite spots. And I loved every minute of it.

So much of my high school days were filled with so much laughter, and I think it was like fuel for me back then and I felt so good with my friends. And so much of that ended when high school ended and lives change so much and people move away and go to college (but I did not, so I truly missed the social life back then.) It is almost impossible to believe that that picture was taken like 28 years ago, because in so many ways it seems like yesterday. Perhaps the holiday season does this to so many of us, filling us with nostalgia, to the brim, falling over the brim. It is so much to take in, and yet it is so comforting.

These are such difficult times for so many right now. It is very hard not to feel stressed. We are truly in this together. But for a minute here and there I leave the time we are in and remember when my life seemed so much easier and often so fun :)

Finding Me

Some times, days just seem like a whirlwind. Time is so precious, and I often feel like there is just not enough time in my day. And I use my time, all of it. If I sit down to watch TV, it is like a treat, something I earned, because I almost always feel like there is something I should be doing.

And one thing I really like to do, this, blogging, is also so often a treat, because as it is sitting out there, waiting for me, it is almost like the last little boat to a remote island, and sometimes no matter how fast I run with my little travel bag in hand, I cannot get there in time, that is it for the day, and I stuck staying in the land of big reality and unable to escape even for an overnight getaway.

That sounds so inviting to me, I never have put that in words before, my feeling for writing and how it sometimes is elusive. Never thought about it is a quiet little refuge on a beautiful and quiet island, I think tropical gets my heart pumping that much more.I have often felt like a visitor in my own life. Somewhat incapable of making long term plans to live into, living rather in short term plans that seem to spin on, but not with enough thought to get someplace in 10 or 20 years. It is on my mind, as I wonder what I really did with the last 25 years besides have two children, as my major accomplishment--and both awesome girls. Beyond that, I cannot point to anything dramatically exciting I have done, and that troubles me. I almost wonder "where have "I" been in my life."

It is really weird to see how life is always moving and it is like there are all these doors that open and close and we jump now and then into something and see how long we stay there...but they all just become moments in time, that loop together and time down the road often become less important or not significant at all.

So when I am able to jump into that little boat, and make it away even for an overnight getaway, there is a peace that fills me like no other. Writing on a keyboard is like composing to me. Time floats by and memories pile up and I am inspired. And then I have to take the little boat back to the main shore, and I tend to lose so much of me, so quickly.

This is what I see of me these days--who am I? Not in a desperate sense, no craziness going on, like the woman who packs up her bag and leaves while her child is in school, never to be heard of again, but more so like the little 7th grader, who never did get to take the class "Who Am I?," and still wishes she did. But I was in band (I was terrible) and I was taking Spanish, because I could get good at it and get further ahead in high school, and it would be a one of my sparkling stars on my high school transcript when I applied to college. But I ended up not going to college anyhow, and should have taken the class Who Am I.

Depression Photo

Today I saw on the online news a very famous photo of a mother holding her children--a photo from the Depression Era--many of us know this photo. It was a great story to read, as far as bringing the photo to life, by one of the children, a daughter, who is now about 75.

It is pretty amazing to read her account of their life back then in the mid 1930s. It is so hard to get a grasp on what that would have been like. My father was a little boy at the time. He was not living a life like that. But I think they were all very aware, as being from that time has always been a part of my dad's core, he has always been very careful with money, and rightly so, he lived through a time in which people were very bad off.

I think what strikes me about the photo, is I always thought this lady was very pretty. She has kind of the classic look, and I can see her as a model for like J Crew or Gap or LL Bean. But that was not her fate, instead she and her children were working the fields, often very hungry.

So I sit here in the pre dawn light and really have no idea what they suffered. It seems everything we learn is always "over there" "someone else" "not my life" and makes it so much more difficult too take it in and really see it. I believe if we had more of a grasp on the past we would not be where we are now. And we will get out of where we are now, but now that I am getting older, I know that somewhere down the line things will get bad again and we will have for the most part forgotten again. Our culture is so based around consuming, and yet it is the foundation of who we are, so without it, who/how would we be? I know for me, consuming is starting to take back stage. It is all so exhausting. A cute 2 bedroom in an inexpensive area is looking better to me all the time. Not thinking and worrying about money is a luxury, while living simple sounds so enticing. We all know "we are not taking it with us."

I am very interested to see what 2009 brings.