Soulful Love

It is not often that I write 2 entries in one day..maybe never! It is not that I could not, like it is some huge deal! I guess the last 8 months I have sometimes been barely able to breathe let alone find something to say.

But today I read an article that is so spoke to me, that I just had to address it. http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/09/29/o.finding.lasting.love/index.html

All about soul in the relationship, how without it, it is just an empty shell. It talks about 3 kinds of relationships according to Aristotle..Pleasure, Utility, and Shared Virtue. Wow a ton of bricks just bonked me on the head. Which one was my husband in, while pretending to be in Shared Virtue?? I was in Shared Virtue, but had no idea (sounds so ridiculous to say outloud) that he lived in Pleasure, I mean it is so funny that I write this, like some kind of revelation! They are about the EGO and NEVER soul nurture you. Yep that is right, that is my reality for 20 years...masked from time to time in Shared Virtue, enough to make me keep believing in my fantasy. Oh and there was some Utility as well from him, again about EGO and not true love.

Now I don't want to become more important to me than I really am--meaning I am on to big stuff, figuring it all out, going to have an advice column one day! But really, I almost do feel like that. Remember in "The Joy Luck Club" when one of the daughters has the weirdo husband who keeps track of everything 50/50 and even charges her for ice cream, though she doesn't eat it. They have a very uptight home decor as well, the whole vibe is awful. And her mother says, "get out of this lopsided house" or something like that..like the daughter could not see the forest for the trees..and I get it, we get so C O N S U M E D with our relationship, and like an investment we cannot lose, we keep pouring everything into it, hoping to see it soar tomorrow, the next day, next year..but it never happens, most likely it gets worst, like a horrible festering wound, but we cannot see it. That is what I lived. But it was my fantasy that kept me from seeing it, I was like a love struck teenager (funny because my husband told me he no longer wanted kissing like "high school" right before he left) ..and I still really had no clue..because in some ways I will always be the innocent high school girl, barely past Barbie dolls.

I hope I take heed, and don't throw it all to the wind. Keeping close the thought that my soul so wants someone to love it, not USE it and HARM it...I wasted too many years.

October Looms

Funny, well not really "funny" but a month or so ago I was glad to approach September, I don't know I measure all time these days, with "is there anything significant about the month, any days" and of course there are tons of them. September was kind of nice though in that respect, there was nothing to get me all worked up. All in all I have been okay with September.

But just yesterday I was ruminating on October, and realized it is a huge month for me, it is the anniversary of my first date with my now ex husband (well both, but the first husband is so long ago, that is just does not crumble me anymore) but anyhow...there is this date looming out there. Sounds silly, but we always celebrated it, in some form or another. It almost had the most significance out of any other date for us, perhaps the arrival of our daughter trumps it, and in some ways was more important than our wedding. I don't know, that first date thing, when it becomes the beginning of something, that is a very powerful thing.

So now I struggle a bit with the month of October.

The other night I was reading, yes my vampire story..and I dozed off, like really out, and there was a dream, but it was more like stepping back in time, and we were talking and he was bar b quing and then like being sucked back into present, I really was sucked right out of that reverie or whatever it was, so much so, that I gasped myself awake and for a split second had to remember my present, where I was, etc..It was really weird, like time travel, seriously.

So now I love only in my memories and my fantasy of what I thought I had. It is a tough place to be. I WISH I was like women we see out there, who cannot stand the guy and say "good riddance" at the top of their lungs, and MEAN it and don't give a flying f. How liberating that would be. I am just not there. I am there in many ways in the intellectual sense, very much so, but on the emotional side, it is like I am in a whole different book, I think I have said that before, and I just cannot make myself get out of the book. Again, living in my fantasies. I told someone the other day that I played with Barbie until I was 14--and there was a chuckle, there always is, and I always say "I still would today if I could" and that is a pretty good representation of me. Totally not prepared or ready for the big ugly world, always disappointed in people's behaviors and actions, and, I don't know, I stare ahead and have run out of words..

My first date, my fantasy began squarely on that evening and never went away. It would be almost comical if it wasn't so sad, well I suppose it is both. Really.

Creative Journey

This past year, out of despair, the need to have something to show for the year, feelings to put somewhere, I don't know exactly, but I decided one day I was going to do oil paintings. I went to the store and bought a canvas, some paints, brushes, and an easy to read book (which I barely even paid attention to) and sketched my first painting. Now keep in mind that I have never painted anything, except rooms and picture frames, and a lot of these, oh and a garage floor, and rocks for my garden. But I have never painted anything to put on the wall, I don't think I ever even considered it. Oh, I just had a quick memory--with the divorce, certain artwork left the house. I needed a large piece of art for one wall--and buying something seemed expensive, that is right, that is why I painted my first piece.

Anyhow, I had no idea of the feelings that would come over me while painting. It is like submerging oneself in their own, very small world, in space, but very large in the mind, like one's mind becomes part of some other dimension. Like the clocks stop. The creativity flows so quickly at times it can be hard to keep up, and there are times, when it is a lot of work, it it not always so easy to p a i n t. How many times have we all said, "I could have done that!!" Usually in reaction to some bizarre maybe even horrible abstract mess and it cost hundreds if not thousands..Maybe we could have, maybe not. Just like all those movies, books, plays, "I could have not that!" Maybe, maybe not.

I have come to see that creating is so easy in one way and also so challenging in other ways. It is consuming. Like romantic relationships, but this is just you and your canvas. It is so similar to writing, it is a world one falls into and hopefully the thoughts come like waves and there is no time or space. I love both. Both take considerable work, and yet at the same time are very easy for me.

But I do feel a sense of accomplishment at the completion of each painting--I have done 7 now. It is like giving birth (which is also no easy task--from conception to birth.) And that is a creative process as well. I find myself looking at my painting over and over, I even said today to myself, alone in my office, "I love my painting!" I mean I really do. It is so romantic, and the colors are heavenly, and it invokes in me just what I am looking for, "cannot live without each other love."
My posting from a month or so ago, where I put the picture from Sound of Music, that was my inspiration for my latest painting. http://findingsaratoga.blogspot.com/2009/08/it-is-last-day-of-august.html

And then it is done, and like myself washing back to shore to me, I come back to this time and space. It is like a journey each time. It is like I am having all these journeys this year, without for the most part, leaving my home.

Everything

It is a very uncomfortable place to stand, all by oneself. There is no partner, no best friend, no confidant, no life line, nothing. The rest of the world keeps going on, how can they not, nothing stops for just us, and it would be even worst if it did, and then totally stared at, like "where is your best friend?" It is a strange place to be so alone, but so unwilling or more so unable to not be all alone, I guess like purgatory for the heart.

Reading again last night, NO I am not some huge Twilight fan, but it sounds like I am, well okay, I am sort of in love with Edward, well the idea of him, what girl isn't..? minus the vampire part for me..but anyhow, there is way too much on Jacob, (I could just do without Jacob) but while reading Breaking Dawn last night, I kind of identified with him, as he deals with the loss of Bella, well a loss for his heart, as he is in love with her, and she loves him like a best friend or brother (just what everyone wants to hear!!) Anyhow, he realized on a rather weird outing to a park scoping out tons of girls, that none of them really did it for him, because he was still in love with Bella, and he cannot let it go. He has a line, when referring to Bella, "When I stared into her eyes, I saw everything I'd been looking for in the park." And that line just hit me like a ton of bricks. I know the feeling all too well.

And where do we go from here? How do we erase our heart?

I am at a loss for words. I am staring around my office, looking at anything, for some burst of revelation that will propel me, or at least this entry. Nothing. I am alone staring at a computer. Living half day to half day these days, munching on mini candy bars and Smarties to pacify my little inner self, as I go in so many circles.

No Honeymoon

These past 6 months I have done a lot of reading. Partly to pass this time, to occupy myself, to also make use of the time, and to leave my life for awhile in another space. It has been good, I have loved getting back into reading. I passed many a summer afternoon like a little lizard on the lounge, pouring through pages of various books, while my daughter played away in the pool, it was like a scene from a movie I would like.

Anyhow...I have been reading The Twilight series, and loving them. Mostly because I like the way they are written, and I love Edward (what girl doesn't :)) there is a certain comfort with him as the main character, the passion and manners and respect he has for his love, Bella, something we all want. So here I sit down last night to continue on with "Breaking Dawn" and I just had to stop. They were just embarking on their honeymoon on Esme Island, and then I just could not read. It seems silly, a book series highly popular with teen agers, and a romance scene, so I don't want to get caught up in the content, as it could be anything. It was just like one of those moments you don't know when or how will overtake you, and then you are in it. And that was that, the tears came, and it had been awhile. It was not like I was thinking about my honeymoon, it was more so of all that has been lost, but even more of recreating a life, and the daunting and exhausting idea of even trying, starting all over when I never wanted to. These are the thoughts that overwhelmed me.

Can I say, I know I am not alone. There are millions of us. Today I read that there will soon be 7 billion people on this planet which I find incomprehensible, and 5 billion of them will have cell phones. So at any given time I am sure there are perhaps billions of us getting through these days, broken hearts so broken that we don't know how they will repair. And yet we feel alone. And knowing there are 7 billion people, it seems almost comical that we can be so consumed with grief over 1 person/relationship, 1 out of 7 billion? I am more amazed at the human heart and how it can break and how one person can so profoundly affect one other, how many songs and poems have written about this, the majority I am sure. I chuckle to myself on the 5 billion cell phones, how many text messages can be sent, so many lonely hearts trying to connect, this is what we have come to. So anyhow, back to saying I am not alone..I know that, and I am writing this as some sort of history for myself, to somehow pass the days and time and have something to look back on that maybe one day will only be a fleeting memory and I may even struggle to find a tear, like another way to paint what I feel. And to maybe connect with others out there in this same space.. I am not writing so people can give me advice, and tell me things I already well know..this is not about that, this is a way for me to be somewhat real, like the sweet little Velveteen Rabbit..

Hopefully my recent upset will just be the next in a long line this year, as I do want to read the book. But honeymoons, they seem far away to me these days..I read the other day about being between stories, and never thought about that, clearly that is where I fall.

Fawziya Ammodi

It is so hard to know where to begin. Fawziya Ammodi. How can these "stories" be real. How on earth in 2009!!! can a young girl, 12 years old, be sold off by her parents to a man (CHILD RAPIST) 24, and then RAPED and made pregnant and then DIE after 3 days of brutal labor and without adequate medical care.?? And her baby died too. How can this even be real. This is so unbelievable that this happens in our world today.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/09/14/yemen.childbirth.death/index.html

I struggle at my keyboard right now, because there are clearly no words to put down that give any sense of reason to this, any peace to this lovely little girl and her baby, there is no way to make it go away, it is a huge bleeding wound on humanity that in this time of our lives, there is such brutal child ABUSE happening all over. It does not need to be in some third world environment in a muslim country (although this is about that) it can happen in the US as well, as we know ALL TOO WELL, with Jaycee Dugard, and her disgusting CHILD RAPIST Phillip Garrido. No, CHILD RAPISTS know no boundaries, by country, religion, wealth, upbringing,or anything else. They are DISGUSTING and they do not belong on this planet.

I wish I had power, power to stop this. I want all children to have the simple joys and comforts of life and FREE of deviant adults. What kind of parents sell off their lovely little girls to rapists? I don't care if it is "cultural" or if they "need the money" really, I cannot accept any reason. It is unbelievable, again in 2009.

Children need rights. They need major help, all around this globe, in every single corner and everywhere we look. How can we just keep reporting these stories, yet we turn around and another one pops up, god knows how many thousands, millions..? we just don't know about.

I wish I had the power, the power to stop this. I want the planet RID of these child rapists. There is NO place for them here. There is NO forgiveness there is NO rehab. Please. Billions of us have to be so over this, that which has been done to our children forever. I believe most of the world is good, but I don't know anymore. Maybe I am far too naive, maybe this cannot be beat. Maybe it has become so prevalent now, it is growing at lightspeed.

As I said I don't think there are words I can say to do justice to this little girl losing her life, and in such a brutal way. I don't want this to be just another story, and we all forget next week, which is the way these things go. I wish I had the power to stop this.

Party of One

I don't know if I am more surprised by the behavior or by my response, maybe a bit of both.

I found out the other day that a widower is already dating--within just a few months of his wife's death, he is already out. I don't know why every time I hear something like this I am shocked, I would think I would learn by now. In my head, it is just wrong. I don't get it, why do men, for the most part, whether single by divorce/breakup/widowhood, almost.. if not immediately, start going out with women?? I know after my marriages ended, both my husbands were already right out--I don't mean divorce paperwork filed with the court, I mean move out, and then going out. So fast my head was spinning. I don't get it. And death, whether anticipated (I almost wrote planned!) or sudden, I guess I just expect a year or so of mourning, honestly I think the same thing with divorce. Now I don't mean wearing a black arm band and shunning away from society (unless that is for you..) but just a year to get your head back together, to get your head around what you just lived through, to just be, why does someone else so desperately need to complete your picture?

I did write my one brother the other day that we live in a couples world, and it is very hard to be alone for that reason. But that does not mean at all I would run around trying to be a couple to fill a place in society that is much more comfortable than "dinner for one." God, sounds awful, just the work involved, the disappointments, the losing so often of ones self trying so hard to not be alone.

No, I don't love being a "party of one" but I will take it over throwing myself out in a dating pool just to not be alone. And let me say, who the heck are all these women that are so available for newly separated men and widowers? Why oh why would they want to take that on?

So it should not shock me, but it always does. I guess it all goes back to my fantasy land, that relationships and marriage are so consuming, and when they fail, there is a huge loss, and one that is not easily filled. I may be a party of one with that thought.

Dis Illusioned

I wrote my friend a quick email today after talking to her today. Do you know what it is like after you have a conversation, and you think back that maybe you should not have said this or that, or went on too much about something,etc..That was me today...I almost shy away from conversations, because if I am honest, I am often found saying things about my life, that I don't want to say, like words in a cartoon bubble, now that are floating around and I cannot take them back.

So when I wrote her a quick note, I told her I lived in an illusion and now I am disillusioned, and realized I am not sure if I had strung those two words together yet. I have lived in an illusion for y e a r s. I don't know if I knew, maybe on some level, and tried h a r d e r and h a r d e r to keep that illusion going, for without it, then I just poof into a fine mist of unreality. I really really do feel like I am waking up, every day, like I cannot escape "waking up" and it is really difficult to examine my illusion without the rose colored glasses I wore for so long.

So now I am disillusioned. I went from a lovely illusion I created, to an ugly dis illusion, one I don't want. Now I know I have referenced Sex and the City before, but there was a line in an episode I recently watched as well, and Miranda yells to Carrie, "You are living in a fantasy!" And that is like ringing in my ears. I realize once the fantasy is gone, what then becomes the reality.

Somewhere, somehow, in my life I believe I kind of entered a fantasy love world. It became some kind of coping mechanism for me. I would create a picture in my mind, and then attempt to craft that, like a spell, instead of it being real. While fantasy is great for writing and painting and children's parties, and Halloween, and daydreams, it is not real..and just writing that makes me sad, because I like the beauty and innocence of illusion. And I wonder, is it not possible to have what I seek?