It is the last day of August. Even though summer is not over for a few more weeks, the end of August always feels like the end of summer to me. It is the end of another season, in a year of an ending. Sometimes there just seem to be endings and then nothing, it is not like the beginning shouts out "hey I am here, look at me!" No to me the beginning comes in slow and quiet, and you might just miss it, it is elusive. I am still not really sure when my beginning arrived, maybe it is still sitting out there on the horizon. But I am quite certain of endings.
I watched one of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City the other night, the last one, when Carrie is leaving Alexandr, and says about the love she is looking for, "ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cannot live without each other love" and she realizes it is not there, and walks out, only to find Big in the lobby. I love the way she says that line. For a long time I thought I had that, or wanted to believe I had that, is most likely the case. I realize I cannot live my life from a line in a show, but I love that line. Maybe not all day, every day, but moments, glimmers, but always always in the background, never leaving.
In New Moon this summer, I recall reading that "love can break you" (I think that was a Bella thought..) and that is how I have felt for quite some time now. Some days completely broken, beyond repair, other days just a piece or two falling away..broken mentally, physically, and heartbroken, and knowing only time is the savior, or is it, I hope so, that and someone else..for I am not sure if we ever get completely over the bridge of h e a r t b r e a k without someone to bring us the final steps from despair.
This makes 50 entries this year so far. It is something I can leave behind for 2009, a way to exist, if just for me, beyond the ending which has often consumed me. The photo here is Maria and Captain Von Trapp from Sound of Music. I love love love that scene. It is what I so want.
I watched one of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City the other night, the last one, when Carrie is leaving Alexandr, and says about the love she is looking for, "ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cannot live without each other love" and she realizes it is not there, and walks out, only to find Big in the lobby. I love the way she says that line. For a long time I thought I had that, or wanted to believe I had that, is most likely the case. I realize I cannot live my life from a line in a show, but I love that line. Maybe not all day, every day, but moments, glimmers, but always always in the background, never leaving.
In New Moon this summer, I recall reading that "love can break you" (I think that was a Bella thought..) and that is how I have felt for quite some time now. Some days completely broken, beyond repair, other days just a piece or two falling away..broken mentally, physically, and heartbroken, and knowing only time is the savior, or is it, I hope so, that and someone else..for I am not sure if we ever get completely over the bridge of h e a r t b r e a k without someone to bring us the final steps from despair.
This makes 50 entries this year so far. It is something I can leave behind for 2009, a way to exist, if just for me, beyond the ending which has often consumed me. The photo here is Maria and Captain Von Trapp from Sound of Music. I love love love that scene. It is what I so want.
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