There are so many dates on the calendar when you get divorced that you just don't want to deal with. In my case, we separated in February, and even though we were still living together for Valentine's Day, I knew it was empty in my husband's heart--so it was just agony. Then there was Easter, Mother's Day, our 15th anniversary, Memorial Day, July 4, and now his birthday, let alone pretty much the 20th anniversary of when we met. All these days are like big rocks in the path, because there just is no way to quietly get around them. The holidays like Memorial Day, are tough, because one is profoundly aware of being single and alone. The special days, like anniversaries and birthdays, are just plain brutal.
As much as I wanted to put this day out of my head, I could not. It is like he is with me, even though he is so not. How weird is it, that people we were with stay with us even in the times they have so left, but it is like this energy of them, just floats through the air, and falls back to us, whether we want it to or not. 45 today. How I used to have visions that we would live all these years together, passing birthdays one by one as a couple never to be parted, until death do us part. And now we are. To make the day even worse, he signed the last of the documents today, and then sent me an email to ask when I was signing. I did not answer. It just does not seem necessary--does it matter, it will get done.. This date, now has to disappear from my memory banks, it cannot land on me anymore.
I loved loved all the years of birthday cakes, and singing and knowing so well in my heart that it might burst with how much I loved him. I can feel it as I write this. And now I have to let it all go.
As much as I wanted to put this day out of my head, I could not. It is like he is with me, even though he is so not. How weird is it, that people we were with stay with us even in the times they have so left, but it is like this energy of them, just floats through the air, and falls back to us, whether we want it to or not. 45 today. How I used to have visions that we would live all these years together, passing birthdays one by one as a couple never to be parted, until death do us part. And now we are. To make the day even worse, he signed the last of the documents today, and then sent me an email to ask when I was signing. I did not answer. It just does not seem necessary--does it matter, it will get done.. This date, now has to disappear from my memory banks, it cannot land on me anymore.
I loved loved all the years of birthday cakes, and singing and knowing so well in my heart that it might burst with how much I loved him. I can feel it as I write this. And now I have to let it all go.
And I have to keep reminding myself that the life I thought I had, was basically all an illusion.That is a tough rock to get past in the path.
Now..? finding a new path, and missing the years gone by. In a flash, I really see it, 20 years have passed before me. I am not sure how to let them go.
And now I am faced with my own birthday this month. I don't want it to come either. I don't want people to remember me, but I really don't want to be forgotten either, I am not sure which is worse at this point. I don't want to celebrate, I don't want to face the picture of me. I cannot wait until September, and well then get me past Labor Day, and then I just have Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years, and then I am done again until Valentine's Day, and maybe I won't be starting the cycle all over again, but maybe the days will be less difficult at that point. I don't know.
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