Loneliness

I am profoundly aware of my loneliness. I just had a terrific evening with 2 very good friends of mine, and because it is so fun I don't want the night to end. But it must. And it is in the silence that follows that I realize how alone I am and I just want to scream to the universe. I want so much to have the life I thought I had, and how do I cross this bridge to a new life I don't yet know. I want someone who I can talk to at any hour, call any time, tell any story to, the spot that only a spouse or significant other can fill. And it is in these times that I miss it so much, that it becomes a deep pain in my heart that I become so aware of and must let it slip by and float away so it does not engulf me in its moments, like all deep sadness, we just cannot stay there too long with the danger of getting stuck and never leaving. How do I replace the life I thought I had, how do I wake up one day and be far away from writing these thoughts..that is the million dollar question these days, as this is the life I am living. And out of the blue I taste salty tears that find a way to fall and remind me that I am just writing these thoughts on a blank screen and there is no one to hear me.

Tattoos and Wedding Rings

I realized the other day that I don't hate tattoos. I have said for a long time that I hate tattoos. Almost with a venom in my voice. Well, I guess I still do on some level--it depends what they are, and who they are on. Recently I saw a large flower artisitic swirl on the beautiful lithe side of my niece, and it was so striking that I could not see it as anything but not really pretty. It suited her, and I loved it. I have seen some men lately at my "country club" (I do like to say those words!) and I realized then as well that I don't hate tattoos at all, in fact depending on what it is, and again, who it is on, they can look really good. So I have had to let that go and be open to tattoos. Funny how that happens.

Wedding rings. Well I have always loved wedding rings, loved them. Women often have these gorgeous sets--huge diamonds have been the rage for so long. But it is men I am talking about. There is something so endearing about a wedding ring on a man, and I felt sad and lonely and envious the other day when I saw wedding rings (again at the club, sounds like I don't have anything else going on, truthfully, I don't!) But there they were, almost glittering all over the place, like flashbulbs going off, but I realize I am at a very family oriented club--it is not like there are a bunch of single men sitting around, and honestly, I am probably better off and happy about that...and yet the gold bands catch my eye, and I am painfully aware that I miss being a wife.

Fleeting Thoughts

I feel like writing a "buffet." I had so many different thoughts today, as I sat at the pool at our country club. Let me start there.. While I can kid myself that I have the country club life because I belong to one (really it is just a nice pool and tennis courts--but there is a snack bar at the pool, and people who know me think it is hysterical that I reference the snack bar feature!) but for $125 a month, plus $50 in food charges, I realize that I clearly don't have the country club life when I decide not to order the $10 salad at the snack bar and realize I can eat for free at home--but my daughter and her friend had a little dinner and an ice cream bar..but no, I am surely not living the country club life. I am sure there are thousands, maybe millions who would consider I do, but more so, it is an image, as weak as that is, that I like to be part of, to feel comfortable and safe and for a moment in time I can feel successful in my own little bubble of reality.

While I sat there, reading Vogue and eating my left over chips from a prior ordered snack bar meal, I had a thought, a nice fleeting thought..what would it be like to be the wife of a rich guy.To be sitting at the pool, not because it was the end of the day and I was able to leave work for the day and take my daughter and her friend to the pool, but it could be lunch time or anytime, and hey I had all the time and the money in the world, and I could just go sit at the pool and read my Vogue, and order my $10 salad. And I had a lovely thought of a wonderful, successful, kind and handsome and faithful and funny husband coming through the entrance and spying me over in the corner with my Vogue and waving and making his way to me. It sounds so unbelievably silly and childish and something out of my daughter's Barbie world, but it was a nice daydream while I ate my chips.

But man I do love summer days. I love it that it is warm, that I don't even need a sweater. I love it that it is light until way into the evening. I love it that the air smells so good, and that the windows are open in the house, and that I don't have to have the heater running 24/7, and can easily go without an air conditioner as well. I love love sandals, the more what I call "bible sandals" the better--that just wear and wear and wear, and you feel freedom just in wearing them, like your whole attitude changes, and not the attitude I get with flip flops, this is a different energy, it is much more artistic and freeing and like it is full of spirit. Funny what sandals do for me. I love the green grass, but sprinkled with a soft yellow here and there, maybe even a little clover, I like grass that is not picture perfect manicured, which is funny for someone like me, but I like the outside to be just this side of just perfect, it is outside after all. I love the idea of sitting on grass and just being, my daughter asked me the other day if I liked to lay on the grass when I was a kid and look up at clouds in the sky. I told her I really did not remember, although I would not do that without a blanket, so no bugs or dirt or other stuff got on my clothes or hair--what a wet blanket I was to her idea. I love children playing in the summer, they just take on the endless day as a wide open canvas to use and use and use, and never tire of. Hearing her and her friend giggle endlessly in the pool is like music playing against the backdrop of a sunfilled sky.

Just like I don't smoke, but wanted to blow smoke rings the other night outside, today I had a thought of having Bourbon on the rocks, really cold, and sitting outside in an adirondak (love that word) chair and seeing far into the depths of summer. I don't know why, as I have never had Bourbon and still don't want to, but the idea sounded interesting, I am more of a white wine or Malibu Rum or fruity drink girl...but there was this idea, maybe it went hand and hand with the successful husband I conjured up.

While my mind was racing all about, with thoughts that really had no specific importance, I noticed how much I love my Purple Potion nail polish on my fingernails, I mean love it, and it made me happy. Such a small thing, and dumb to most people, I understand, but then again I take great comfort in the simple and ordinary things, and primping myself to keep my sanity falls at the top of my list. With a color like Purple Potion, doesn't it make you feel good?

I saw Revolutionary Road the other night. I read the book a couple of months ago, but decided to fully get the experience by seeing it acted out. And wow. It was so well done. I found myself quite upset at the end, as I understood at a deep level the hopelessness of living a life you do not want, feeling trapped, life passing you by, selling out, being out when you want in, reaching for something and not obtaining it, living a lie, the deep feeling of being broken, I felt it all, and I found myself once again in mourning, and retreated to a vacuum cleaner and a music player to bring me back to center. At least it is not drugs, alcohol, a sleeping pill, or random sex. At least I still have me.

My home is like my own retreat, in many ways like my own little church. I do tend to hang out at home. I realized years ago when I was alone how was I going to meet someone, would they just fall at my doorstep, maybe the mail box? And I am confronted with that again. I deplore the idea of going out to look for someone, it seems so forced, so much work, and so not what I want to do. I love to go out, but I much prefer being attached than going out single, it is like a neon sign above my head, "i am alone." I don't want to meet people just to meet people, so not me. And so I find some solace in my 4 walls, like an old world convent, hiding out like Maria did when she ran away from Captain Von Trapp in "Sound of Music." Man I loved that convent and wish I could go hide out there.

And so I will end this list of thoughts that are all just hanging there with no real significance or attachment to one another and say that I saw The Ten Commandments again after many years, and was amazed how dumb the special effects were--I mean Wizard of Oz is old too, but that was really good, this movie was just cheesy. And the clothes, so over the top, NO one dressed that way, these were full on costumes (but there were some great sandals, loved Moses' sandals..)But I did like the idea of believing in something so much and having a path that is followed to the end, I really like that, and if I could just connect that, I do see lifetime partners/marriage that way, and found myself watching Revolutionary Road this last weekend, thinking that all over again, and wanting to hide in my own little church, and think of summer days and soft green grass, and my country club life, as an idea, and think of my hands with purple painted finger tips holding hands with someone I love.

Smoke Rings

I had so many ideas earlier this evening, but now they all seem to have left me. Somewhere among the cleaning fumes and the music in my ears the thoughts I had drifted away. Maybe it is good, I don't know. I wish so much right now I could sit outside on a lounge chair and blow smoke rings. I don't smoke. But it just seems like a really artsy and thoughtful thing to do, while lying in the cool summer air and staring up into the summer night sky. I never sit outside at night on a lounge chair and look up into the summer night sky. I don't really know why. It is like a nice idea, but I never do it. I barely even sit at the outside table and eat. I am so confronted with being alone, so sitting on a lounge chair looking up into the summer night sky and blowing smoke rings just sounds really meditative. It is an odd thing to be a stranger in one own's life, going through each day wondering when it will feel real. So maybe the smoke rings are my loneliness, quietly and softly floating up to space, leaving me less alone.

Forgiving

Today I decided, NO more. No more feeling bad about myself by comments and actions of other people. I have been aware of it for years, fighting if off for years...sometimes I feel like I am sailing through, and then bam, someone pops up to knock me off my little course, and I get sucked in their web of "let's make her feel bad about herself." So today, I decided no more. I said outloud, today is July 15, 2009 and I am DONE, no more. I just cannot do it anymore. I just cannot allow myself to be made to feel bad so someone else can feel superior. It has no win for me obviously, so I am done. And there was a wave of balance that came over me, like I am in control of how I now feel. Maybe all my yoga has helped me, maybe somewhere in my tree pose, and my warrior pose, with my candles burning and my mind trying to calm itself from my ongoing heartbreak, maybe somewhere in one of those moments I broke free and decided to break myself from the chains that bind my inner self, that really does not want to feel bad anymore. So I am done with that. And just like that I allowed myself a new way to be. And I forgive myself for taking so long to take care of me.

And while I had this revelation I worked away this evening on my latest painting, which I would name "Broken" if I name it, and there is my weeping mourning princess, with hands covering her eyes, a pose I found myself in so often these past 6 months that it became so real to me. I wanted to capture the deep broken feeling I have had, the hopelessness, the darkness that is always present. In the corner are two hearts, each with a ring, symbolizing the broken union.

It is too big of a jump to say there is light at the end of this tunnel. I never know these days just where I will be in 5 minutes or 3 days from now. I protect myself these days and give myself the freedom to be where I am at, and do NOT feel the need to apologize or be a certain way to make other people feel better, this is a time I did not seek and must find my way out of however long that takes and whatever path that is. I am accutely aware of all my senses as well as we all have these crosses to bear, and we all must try harder to be kind and forgiving, and forgiving, and forgiving. These are beautiful thoughts indeed.

Noodle Salad

I am reminded today of a line from the movie As Good As it Gets...the 3 main characters are having a conversation in a car, and Jack Nicholson's character says, "some people have memories, nice memories, of picnics and boating and friends and noodle salad...just no one in this car.." That is how I feel today. I am growing to hate holidays..does this happen to all people who are suddenly thrown into being divorced and have to reinvent their life to somehow make it work in the new life they now have..I don't remember anything earth shattering the last 5 years or so for 4th or July, but I did not care. We were together, we did small things, mostly I did NOT have to have a plan that made it feel like a holiday, like I was really using the day, because it did not exist like that for me.

But now, as the holidays go, my little one is gone today, with people I do NOT like anymore, to make it worse, and my older one is with me and I feel bad for her for this boring day, and I feel awful because I don't have my inbox full of invites or my phone ringing off the hook with things to do. I don't have much excitement to offer her, and I don't feel like creating it, as I so often feel like I just need to breathe through the days these days, as they all melt into days that I no longer recognize or really have plans for, and I don't want the stress of "having plans." When you are a couple or a family, the plans just happen. But when you are no longer married, and often alone if your chidren are not with you, there is this tremendous pressure to have "plans" and I just don't even want to deal with it.

And it seems achingly so the older one gets, the doom sets in. I don't want plans with people like me, the idea of hanging out with other people who need "plans" makes me want to crawl under a rock. I just want to be like it was before. If we had plans great, a little bonus, but if we did not, no one even noticed, because we were the plan. And now there is a huge silence that descends me and my life and a huge horizon that I look out to, that I am not excited about and find quite stressful. And please, for the most part, people are couples or are actively seeking to be so, so the life of the one alone is not some great adventure where you can finally do what you want--that is just something people invented to say so they would feel better about the state of being.

I very much feel like I am in that car right now.