Today I decided, NO more. No more feeling bad about myself by comments and actions of other people. I have been aware of it for years, fighting if off for years...sometimes I feel like I am sailing through, and then bam, someone pops up to knock me off my little course, and I get sucked in their web of "let's make her feel bad about herself." So today, I decided no more. I said outloud, today is July 15, 2009 and I am DONE, no more. I just cannot do it anymore. I just cannot allow myself to be made to feel bad so someone else can feel superior. It has no win for me obviously, so I am done. And there was a wave of balance that came over me, like I am in control of how I now feel. Maybe all my yoga has helped me, maybe somewhere in my tree pose, and my warrior pose, with my candles burning and my mind trying to calm itself from my ongoing heartbreak, maybe somewhere in one of those moments I broke free and decided to break myself from the chains that bind my inner self, that really does not want to feel bad anymore. So I am done with that. And just like that I allowed myself a new way to be. And I forgive myself for taking so long to take care of me.
And while I had this revelation I worked away this evening on my latest painting, which I would name "Broken" if I name it, and there is my weeping mourning princess, with hands covering her eyes, a pose I found myself in so often these past 6 months that it became so real to me. I wanted to capture the deep broken feeling I have had, the hopelessness, the darkness that is always present. In the corner are two hearts, each with a ring, symbolizing the broken union.
It is too big of a jump to say there is light at the end of this tunnel. I never know these days just where I will be in 5 minutes or 3 days from now. I protect myself these days and give myself the freedom to be where I am at, and do NOT feel the need to apologize or be a certain way to make other people feel better, this is a time I did not seek and must find my way out of however long that takes and whatever path that is. I am accutely aware of all my senses as well as we all have these crosses to bear, and we all must try harder to be kind and forgiving, and forgiving, and forgiving. These are beautiful thoughts indeed.
And while I had this revelation I worked away this evening on my latest painting, which I would name "Broken" if I name it, and there is my weeping mourning princess, with hands covering her eyes, a pose I found myself in so often these past 6 months that it became so real to me. I wanted to capture the deep broken feeling I have had, the hopelessness, the darkness that is always present. In the corner are two hearts, each with a ring, symbolizing the broken union.
It is too big of a jump to say there is light at the end of this tunnel. I never know these days just where I will be in 5 minutes or 3 days from now. I protect myself these days and give myself the freedom to be where I am at, and do NOT feel the need to apologize or be a certain way to make other people feel better, this is a time I did not seek and must find my way out of however long that takes and whatever path that is. I am accutely aware of all my senses as well as we all have these crosses to bear, and we all must try harder to be kind and forgiving, and forgiving, and forgiving. These are beautiful thoughts indeed.
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