I feel like writing a "buffet." I had so many different thoughts today, as I sat at the pool at our country club. Let me start there.. While I can kid myself that I have the country club life because I belong to one (really it is just a nice pool and tennis courts--but there is a snack bar at the pool, and people who know me think it is hysterical that I reference the snack bar feature!) but for $125 a month, plus $50 in food charges, I realize that I clearly don't have the country club life when I decide not to order the $10 salad at the snack bar and realize I can eat for free at home--but my daughter and her friend had a little dinner and an ice cream bar..but no, I am surely not living the country club life. I am sure there are thousands, maybe millions who would consider I do, but more so, it is an image, as weak as that is, that I like to be part of, to feel comfortable and safe and for a moment in time I can feel successful in my own little bubble of reality.
While I sat there, reading Vogue and eating my left over chips from a prior ordered snack bar meal, I had a thought, a nice fleeting thought..what would it be like to be the wife of a rich guy.To be sitting at the pool, not because it was the end of the day and I was able to leave work for the day and take my daughter and her friend to the pool, but it could be lunch time or anytime, and hey I had all the time and the money in the world, and I could just go sit at the pool and read my Vogue, and order my $10 salad. And I had a lovely thought of a wonderful, successful, kind and handsome and faithful and funny husband coming through the entrance and spying me over in the corner with my Vogue and waving and making his way to me. It sounds so unbelievably silly and childish and something out of my daughter's Barbie world, but it was a nice daydream while I ate my chips.
But man I do love summer days. I love it that it is warm, that I don't even need a sweater. I love it that it is light until way into the evening. I love it that the air smells so good, and that the windows are open in the house, and that I don't have to have the heater running 24/7, and can easily go without an air conditioner as well. I love love sandals, the more what I call "bible sandals" the better--that just wear and wear and wear, and you feel freedom just in wearing them, like your whole attitude changes, and not the attitude I get with flip flops, this is a different energy, it is much more artistic and freeing and like it is full of spirit. Funny what sandals do for me. I love the green grass, but sprinkled with a soft yellow here and there, maybe even a little clover, I like grass that is not picture perfect manicured, which is funny for someone like me, but I like the outside to be just this side of just perfect, it is outside after all. I love the idea of sitting on grass and just being, my daughter asked me the other day if I liked to lay on the grass when I was a kid and look up at clouds in the sky. I told her I really did not remember, although I would not do that without a blanket, so no bugs or dirt or other stuff got on my clothes or hair--what a wet blanket I was to her idea. I love children playing in the summer, they just take on the endless day as a wide open canvas to use and use and use, and never tire of. Hearing her and her friend giggle endlessly in the pool is like music playing against the backdrop of a sunfilled sky.
Just like I don't smoke, but wanted to blow smoke rings the other night outside, today I had a thought of having Bourbon on the rocks, really cold, and sitting outside in an adirondak (love that word) chair and seeing far into the depths of summer. I don't know why, as I have never had Bourbon and still don't want to, but the idea sounded interesting, I am more of a white wine or Malibu Rum or fruity drink girl...but there was this idea, maybe it went hand and hand with the successful husband I conjured up.
While my mind was racing all about, with thoughts that really had no specific importance, I noticed how much I love my Purple Potion nail polish on my fingernails, I mean love it, and it made me happy. Such a small thing, and dumb to most people, I understand, but then again I take great comfort in the simple and ordinary things, and primping myself to keep my sanity falls at the top of my list. With a color like Purple Potion, doesn't it make you feel good?
I saw Revolutionary Road the other night. I read the book a couple of months ago, but decided to fully get the experience by seeing it acted out. And wow. It was so well done. I found myself quite upset at the end, as I understood at a deep level the hopelessness of living a life you do not want, feeling trapped, life passing you by, selling out, being out when you want in, reaching for something and not obtaining it, living a lie, the deep feeling of being broken, I felt it all, and I found myself once again in mourning, and retreated to a vacuum cleaner and a music player to bring me back to center. At least it is not drugs, alcohol, a sleeping pill, or random sex. At least I still have me.
My home is like my own retreat, in many ways like my own little church. I do tend to hang out at home. I realized years ago when I was alone how was I going to meet someone, would they just fall at my doorstep, maybe the mail box? And I am confronted with that again. I deplore the idea of going out to look for someone, it seems so forced, so much work, and so not what I want to do. I love to go out, but I much prefer being attached than going out single, it is like a neon sign above my head, "i am alone." I don't want to meet people just to meet people, so not me. And so I find some solace in my 4 walls, like an old world convent, hiding out like Maria did when she ran away from Captain Von Trapp in "Sound of Music." Man I loved that convent and wish I could go hide out there.
And so I will end this list of thoughts that are all just hanging there with no real significance or attachment to one another and say that I saw The Ten Commandments again after many years, and was amazed how dumb the special effects were--I mean Wizard of Oz is old too, but that was really good, this movie was just cheesy. And the clothes, so over the top, NO one dressed that way, these were full on costumes (but there were some great sandals, loved Moses' sandals..)But I did like the idea of believing in something so much and having a path that is followed to the end, I really like that, and if I could just connect that, I do see lifetime partners/marriage that way, and found myself watching Revolutionary Road this last weekend, thinking that all over again, and wanting to hide in my own little church, and think of summer days and soft green grass, and my country club life, as an idea, and think of my hands with purple painted finger tips holding hands with someone I love.
While I sat there, reading Vogue and eating my left over chips from a prior ordered snack bar meal, I had a thought, a nice fleeting thought..what would it be like to be the wife of a rich guy.To be sitting at the pool, not because it was the end of the day and I was able to leave work for the day and take my daughter and her friend to the pool, but it could be lunch time or anytime, and hey I had all the time and the money in the world, and I could just go sit at the pool and read my Vogue, and order my $10 salad. And I had a lovely thought of a wonderful, successful, kind and handsome and faithful and funny husband coming through the entrance and spying me over in the corner with my Vogue and waving and making his way to me. It sounds so unbelievably silly and childish and something out of my daughter's Barbie world, but it was a nice daydream while I ate my chips.
But man I do love summer days. I love it that it is warm, that I don't even need a sweater. I love it that it is light until way into the evening. I love it that the air smells so good, and that the windows are open in the house, and that I don't have to have the heater running 24/7, and can easily go without an air conditioner as well. I love love sandals, the more what I call "bible sandals" the better--that just wear and wear and wear, and you feel freedom just in wearing them, like your whole attitude changes, and not the attitude I get with flip flops, this is a different energy, it is much more artistic and freeing and like it is full of spirit. Funny what sandals do for me. I love the green grass, but sprinkled with a soft yellow here and there, maybe even a little clover, I like grass that is not picture perfect manicured, which is funny for someone like me, but I like the outside to be just this side of just perfect, it is outside after all. I love the idea of sitting on grass and just being, my daughter asked me the other day if I liked to lay on the grass when I was a kid and look up at clouds in the sky. I told her I really did not remember, although I would not do that without a blanket, so no bugs or dirt or other stuff got on my clothes or hair--what a wet blanket I was to her idea. I love children playing in the summer, they just take on the endless day as a wide open canvas to use and use and use, and never tire of. Hearing her and her friend giggle endlessly in the pool is like music playing against the backdrop of a sunfilled sky.
Just like I don't smoke, but wanted to blow smoke rings the other night outside, today I had a thought of having Bourbon on the rocks, really cold, and sitting outside in an adirondak (love that word) chair and seeing far into the depths of summer. I don't know why, as I have never had Bourbon and still don't want to, but the idea sounded interesting, I am more of a white wine or Malibu Rum or fruity drink girl...but there was this idea, maybe it went hand and hand with the successful husband I conjured up.
While my mind was racing all about, with thoughts that really had no specific importance, I noticed how much I love my Purple Potion nail polish on my fingernails, I mean love it, and it made me happy. Such a small thing, and dumb to most people, I understand, but then again I take great comfort in the simple and ordinary things, and primping myself to keep my sanity falls at the top of my list. With a color like Purple Potion, doesn't it make you feel good?
I saw Revolutionary Road the other night. I read the book a couple of months ago, but decided to fully get the experience by seeing it acted out. And wow. It was so well done. I found myself quite upset at the end, as I understood at a deep level the hopelessness of living a life you do not want, feeling trapped, life passing you by, selling out, being out when you want in, reaching for something and not obtaining it, living a lie, the deep feeling of being broken, I felt it all, and I found myself once again in mourning, and retreated to a vacuum cleaner and a music player to bring me back to center. At least it is not drugs, alcohol, a sleeping pill, or random sex. At least I still have me.
My home is like my own retreat, in many ways like my own little church. I do tend to hang out at home. I realized years ago when I was alone how was I going to meet someone, would they just fall at my doorstep, maybe the mail box? And I am confronted with that again. I deplore the idea of going out to look for someone, it seems so forced, so much work, and so not what I want to do. I love to go out, but I much prefer being attached than going out single, it is like a neon sign above my head, "i am alone." I don't want to meet people just to meet people, so not me. And so I find some solace in my 4 walls, like an old world convent, hiding out like Maria did when she ran away from Captain Von Trapp in "Sound of Music." Man I loved that convent and wish I could go hide out there.
And so I will end this list of thoughts that are all just hanging there with no real significance or attachment to one another and say that I saw The Ten Commandments again after many years, and was amazed how dumb the special effects were--I mean Wizard of Oz is old too, but that was really good, this movie was just cheesy. And the clothes, so over the top, NO one dressed that way, these were full on costumes (but there were some great sandals, loved Moses' sandals..)But I did like the idea of believing in something so much and having a path that is followed to the end, I really like that, and if I could just connect that, I do see lifetime partners/marriage that way, and found myself watching Revolutionary Road this last weekend, thinking that all over again, and wanting to hide in my own little church, and think of summer days and soft green grass, and my country club life, as an idea, and think of my hands with purple painted finger tips holding hands with someone I love.
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