30 Years

This is a big weekend for me. It will be my 30th high school reunion.  Shocking to me..I feel like I was just there!  It is like I blinked and 30 years passed.  I guess we cannot imagine such a thought when we are 18 (but I do remember my parents talking that way)  and wah lah!  here I am, 30 years later.  I would not have guessed 30 years ago, that I would be married, 2x, divorced 2x, 1 daughter from each marriage..and one is almost 30..just graduating with her PhD one week ago..and my other just graduating elementary school one week ago...no I could not have imagined that 30 years ago..

I never really imagined much, which I see was a flaw in the way I pursued my life.  The only plan I had back then was to attend UC Berkeley in the Winter of 1983..but it never happened.  I took a major life path change.  And from there on out, I never really imagined a future, I guess I sort of lived into it each year. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining nor am I wishing it was different.  I just see, with such hindsight, that I had no clue of who I was, what I wanted, what I wanted to do..I was majorly lost.  It has been the last few years that this has become so apparent to me. Almost like an addiction, stopping in my tracks, and seeing who I am. Lucikly :), I did not gain 50 pounds, I am not sick, my kids are great, my boyfriend (husband one day?) is so lovely, my job has always worked out, so on the surface, people may think I have it all sewn up. But I know, I know there was so much potential in me, but because I became so lost, I was not able to realize it. It is not until now, 30 years after I left high school, that I am finally grounded. I wish I could stop the clock, or go back 10 years..not change a thing, just have 10 years back, that would be nice. There is the thought too, that perhaps there has been a part of me that has lived in disarray (while the day to day life I lead is so not, so quite a dichotomy) so anyhow, I have lived in such a way, because it was my destiny, that was the path for me..I am not sure.  I do know, that I crave the calmness I now have.  I don't have worries about love like I used to.  I am often at peace, just when watering a plant, or washing a dish.  It is like I crossed over to something else.  I must run now. I have a flight to catch and people to see, and times to remember, that don't seem that long ago.