Saying Goodbye

I read the other day .....

Saying goodbye is the most difficult thing in life. And we never learn to be good at it.

That is all I feel like I have been doing for 2009. It is not just like a one day thing. The person packs up a UHaul, emptys their side of the closet, clears out their bathroom items, and is gone, but not really. You wave goodbye in your mind, in some bizarre send off. For some, that actually might be it, you turn around, go pour yourself a drink, sit down, and say "life is starting now!" And you are totally fine. That is a nice place to be. For others, it is just one step in the process, and it isn't even the first step, that may have been so long ago. I feel like I have been saying good bye for y e a r s. But I could not really see it. I heard Anderson Cooper say in an interview recently, "Do people see what they want to see?" Now this is a common comment on people, we have all heard it before, but I am not sure if I had really applied that to my own life. Clearly I saw what I wanted to see for a long time, perhaps forever in the scope of the relationship. In order for the fantasy to work that I had planned out, I had to see what I wanted to see, there really was no other way. And clearly the longer I lived in it, the more I had to see what I wanted to see. Geez, I sound like some wacko, and on some very sorry level, I understand how people are totally taken in by others. Sadly I was said good bye to many years ago, but I did just not want to see that either. So I did not see the hand waving at me, waving good bye to the fantasy I had created. I would be lying if I did not say I almost find it funny, because deep down in the wells of humor, it kind of is. I mean, here I am living a life and it is not real, but I think it is, or tell myself it is, just so I can keep all the plates in the air.

So as I have said before...I have kind of lived in a "set" almost like up on stage in a play, writing the scenes, setting up the backgrounds and playing my part, and running and running like a little hamster on my wheel, because if I stop, the whole thing will fall apart, and there would only be a vacant and dark theater left, if that.

So for months now, in a very lucid state, I have been saying goodbye. I believe I am the most awake I have ever been in my life, except perhaps back when I was just a little child and so filled with promise and knew no upsets or limits, because it did not occur to me. But then we become part of the real world. So I say good bye to this huge portion of my life and who I am/was, and don't really have a new costume waiting for me to slip into. I am mostly drifing along, and thankful that the current is kind and quiet and only reveals small things at a time, but that there is no way back up the current, not this time.

Honey Honey, Hey Sugar Sugar

Well for some reason, and one never knows why, I feel kind of upbeat at the moment, and the song by the Archies, "Honey, Honey, Hey Sugar Sugar" just popped into my mind as bizarre as that is. I was reading my post from the other day, and suddenly I wanted to sing that to the person who wrote that post (me of course.)

See this is this bullshit journey, because today is kind of good, and not one thing is different from Saturday, nothing. Well I am reading books on witchcraft so maybe I am getting some good ideas :) Seriously, though, I recommend them. Way more interesting that I realized.

I believe life is this odd thing. It is so a product of the environment we are born into and grown into. We are conditioned to want and need love as we grow up--do we really need it to be happy, or has that so been drilled into us, that we don't know any other way. I really wonder on that thought. I mean romantic love. I mean having a significant other. We live in a couples world, at least in North America, so this is the world I know. Can life really be fulfilling without a significant other, or do we just try to fill it in with book clubs, and vacations, and exercise and girls night, and everything else, just to keep the fact that we are alone not knocking on our door...or are we really okay with it..I don't know, clearly. Because for the most part, everyone I know is a couple or looking to be one. My friend made a great comment the other day as she bagged the dating sites..she said she really saw that it is almost a way for everyone to be a community of single people together looking, to feel like they are in action, but at the end of the day how many real relationships come out of those sites. I don't know the stats, but I don't think that many compared to how many people are on there looking.

I like to think of life as all these dimensions, like little doors that we open, or rabbit holes that we fall down, or wardrobes we walk through, and poof we are in some other life. It really is not worth fighting, because for the most part, it will just happen. One day we will wake up in a whole other life. One day we won't wake up at all, or as I see it, we will then be in another dimension.When I look at things this broadly, I don't feel so bad, so alone, so left. I just feel kind of here for the moment, and wonder where I am going.

Filling in Time

Yeah, I wish he died. I would have gotten a lot of life insurance, nice sympathy from people (real or feigned, but sympathy just the same..) there would be no child custody arrangement, and my mind would slowly let it all go, as it was gone anyhow. But this, this...this never ends. This person is still here, pretty much haunts me day and night, as my mind falls in and out of thoughts and takes me to dreams at night. There is n o sympathy, it is pretty hard to find a fan club for him, and therefore people are more apt to think I am better off, don't waste my time, things will be so great for me, on and on with the pleasantries everywhere, in person and in email, and I just laugh here and there and nod, and wish so much that I agreed with them, completely, and did not have to fake it, which is often what is behind my smile. Oh I don't mean to be deceiving, but I know this all too well, after X amount of time, one cannot be in the old place anymore, it is just not the way it is, so we must move on, at least so it appears. But really, for the most part, I am not sure how far I have come, I would say barely anywhere..certainly on a day like today, when I struggle "to do my life" one I don't want and wonder how the fuck I ended up here, what the hell I have been thinking and doing for almost 30 years, and the idea that I can say for 30 years, just depresses me even more. I am not 25 anymore. I clean a house I really don't want, rake leaves in a yard that I don't want to tend to anymore, wonder what I will do with so many hours of being and I do a lot, believe me..but the hours, days, months, just stretch out, like some incredible journey that has hardly begun, but I feel like I have been on it forever, with no end in sight. All I do is fill in time.

Somer

Last night as I watched a news program with more details on Somer Thompson's murder, I was just totally overcome with tears, as if she was my own child. I honestly don' t know how a parent goes on after this. And her siblings, the guilt they will feel, as she was with them, and then they lost sight of her. This is just another a w f u l story, of a sweet child taken out by a sick and perverted and twisted individual, most likely a man, and I understand they may even have a suspect, a registered sex offender. As I always wish, first choice, he is murdered by other inmates in prison, something brutal and awful, and even then there will be no justice. Or he kills himself, or certainly the death penalty, which will take years to wait for, and is just a ridiculous part of our system. I am sure there are 100s of people in our country, probably 1000s who would gladly be the executioner for these pieces of trash we have living amongst us.

Like the rest of us, we are now haunted by shiny brown eyes and a pixie little face, who unbelievably was thrown in the trash after I am sure being brutalized, I cannot even imagine her last moments of hell on this earth. These stories just keep coming, and we can certainly thank the unbelievable amount of sex and porn and child porn and S and M and all the other deviant behavior, so now totally available and devoured on the web by millions of disgusting people, as a main road to how we have gotten here. Oh yeah, we keep hearing it, "these things happened years ago too.." okay, sure, whatever! NO, it was not like this when I grew up, or my parents or their parents. Sure bad things happened, but it is different now. We have so many deranged people running around, it blows my mind.

I picked my daughter up at the bus stop the other day, and one sweet little girl was still waiting for her mom, I was so glad I noticed her. I did not want to alarm her, because she did not know me, and probably was afraid that I spoke to her out the car window. I just let her know that I would wait right there until her mom pulled up, and it was about 5 minutes. There was NO way I would have driven away, and left a little girl out front of our gated community on a busy road waiting for her mom. She could have been gone in about 30 seconds. I was so surprised that her mom was those few minutes late--I would have been crazed, but then I don't ever plan to be late without a back up plan, meaning another parent or friend. We have to be vigilant. No child should EVER walk home alone, I don't care if it is the safest neighborhood in the world, I don't care if it is broad daylight..why risk it? These parents never thought they would end up in these heartbreaking situations. It is not their fault, but unfortunately they now have the amazing pain to carry forever. Just the other day a little girl disappeared in Missouri walking 4 houses down from her friend's home to her home. So I would never allow my child to walk or ride their bike anywhere alone, or wait for me to pick them up somewhere, etc..Do not risk it. And tell your children you give them total permission to yell, scream, kick, whatever they need to do if someone approaches them, scares them, etc..if it is nothing, oh well, no harm done.

So much has been done to try to stop this, but I almost feel like it is getting worse. It is like the internet is just growing this faster than work can be done to stop it. It is frightening that our children are watched, like prey. We must be hyper vigilant and never let the guard down. My mom was a total worrier, but I grew up in the era that you could walk home from school, you could ride a bike to a friend's home, so my childhood seems so lax as compared to today. Those days are gone, and we have to really remember that.

Hearts

Hearts have been on my mind lately. Like how they are endless, they keep going, remember in the Titanic love song,.."my heart will go on and on..." I just read the lyrics, and forgot how much I like the song. You know Celine just did one take on that song, and it was so perfect, that was it! I am not sure why I am talking about Celine Dion, I got off track, although she does have a great voice..

Anyhow..

So often I dream about my husband, random, strange dreams, sometimes upsetting, sometimes very boring, and sometimes very comforting, but it is like another dimension I go into each night. I have come to see the dreams less about him, but more so a comfort for me, something that my heart attaches to to feel safe. Right now his memory is what I hold onto. So it is like this love goes on and on, in some other space and time altogether, something beyond this realm, and that is how I have begun to see the love from my marriage, and there is a certain comfort in that thought and a certain bond that I hold onto, it becomes more about the heart than the person in reality. It allows me solace without being too tied up with a reality I cannot change. I don't know if that makes any sense, but somehow I am finding sense in it.

I read this Psalm the other day

“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord my God.”~Psalms 51:10

That is what I want to do. A clean and open heart that paints a picture of good things. Recently I said I love what is, what was, and what could have been. I also realized I love what never was.
These are tough ideas to come to grips with at times, because in the everyday I want more than what was or what is, so I found another place for the "what could have been" and the "what never was." They live in my heart. Protected from doom and doubt and tears, like little snowglobes that I can shake up in my dreams.

What Could Have Been

When things don't work out, for the thousands of reasons (?) that float around, whatever the ones we are given or give, I do believe like with death, at some point acceptance walks down the street and we walk along with it. Like this amazing human condition we all share, what else can we do..? But I do believe accepting something ending is far easier than the thought of "what if it now works out with someone else. What if they meet someone new, and all the things I know are THEIR problems, the reason for such failure, suddenly all fall away, or don't matter, or whatever, and now they go on to have some glorious relationship with someone else?" That is a thought that burdens me. Because after so many years of wanting it to work, trying to make it work, so much time and effort and investment, to not have it work out is such a huge loss. Do most people worry about such a thing, or do they just totally move on and not give a flying f about what happens anyway. This is the h a r d e s t concept for me, that after all "this" whatever the hell it has been, beyond some bizarre facade, that "this" will by some miracle become a work of art in another dimension, and I will sit here with the wind knocked out.

I am looking at my checklist for grief
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
and I really feel like I have worked through this list, like some annoying "to do" list, that cannot be done quickly or even rationally.

Yeah, see, this is why I prefer death. Then I would not have to wrap my arms around these thoughts, because there would be nothing to worry about, unless I want to concern myself about him meeting someone in the afterlife and then it all works out great, and as I type that I actually can see me thinking that! I thought last weekend about how right now if I died, I have no true companion to meet in the hereafter--I just have 4 women I knew, waiting for me. I don't want to be some spinster for eternity, that really bums me out. I know, you might be totally laughing right now or at least shaking your head, saying "oh my god, this is bizarre.." Maybe one day I will have the true gift of not c a r i n g what happens to my recently departed.. I just won't give a damn. Maybe that is true acceptance.

Memories Light the Corner of My Mind

Just as I went to write a title for today, I was hit by the Memories song, sung by Barbara Streisand like a thousand years ago, but I still love it. I love the Way We Were with her and Robert Redford.

Today is one of those "memories" days for me. Today is the
2 0 t h anniversary of my first date with my second husband. That day was like a bolt from the blue for me. It was not a fancy date by any stretch of the imagination. But in those hours my life was altered f o r e v e r. I am amazed at the memory of the feelings that came over me, like it just happened yesterday, and so many times seems like it did. When one is really young, something that is 20 years from now, or someone who has worked for 20 years, well those statements just seem so unreal to someone when they are young, when they have no concept of big blocks of time. In the exact moment my hand was held, and silly and romantic and ridiculous as it sounds, for me, my life changed. I realize for some people these things are only in the moment (they just don't bother to tell you) while for some of us these things become lifetime, that we just cannot walk away from.

So I built a huge part of my life around my hand being held and the crushing feelings I had about that moment. I mean I really built my life around it. I may have already written earlier that I don't regret it all, I would l i k e to, just for some way to feel better about the whole "thing" but I would be lying. I actually reget that it did not work out, more than anything. I regret that the fantasy I built was not real, because I so wanted to be like the characters in movies that end well, like The Sound of Music, to mention one I have recently.

So 20 years. Funny, I don't really feel that much different. I weigh the same, probably am in better shape. I have a few laugh lines, that is about it. I like myself 10x more than I did then, thank god for that. But overall, it could be like today is October 13, 1989 all over again, because in the movement of time, I cannot really grasp 20 years, when it all seems so fleeting so unreal and real at the same time. Like I just stepped over into some other dimension and it is 20 years later, or like in Narnia, no time has passed whatsoever. How great would that be, I could make my way back to a lightpost right now, go through a wardrobe stuffed with fur coats, and step back into my world where not even a minute has passed. Maybe in some strange way I feel that. With all that has gone on, I still feel remarkably well overall, I wonder how I feel unscathed in many ways, like walking through fire with very few burns. There are other times I feel burned to a crisp and 40 years older, but luckily that is not all the time. Mostly I feel a lot of love. For what was, what is, and what could have been. And maybe that is my own little Narnia after all.

Dark Shadows

The other evening I had to be with the fact that I have now had my two children had their hearts broken at an early age, over the failure of their parents' marriages-- me to their fathers. As she sobbed into my shoulder how she "wanted it to be the way it used to be" how she "missed the way it used to be" I found there were really no words to say, because I cannot fix it, like a toy that needs super glue, no this was not something I could fix, ever. I could offer up a couple of band aids here and there, to help ease some of her broken heart, and she did accept those happily, and that provided a very faint light on a dark bedtime full of tears.

I am not sure if they ever get over the hearbreak, I am going to say no. I am sure I will never get over the heartbreak, of seeing their hearts break, it is far worse than what I feel, at least I willing (blindly) entered into what became my heartbreak, they had no choice. I feel so for all the kids out there who have these little broken hearts, that somehow must wrap themselves in their own soul bandages while their losses attempt to heal or grow over so slowly like a slow growing garden vine, but one day will that vine be quite thick, and need to be cut back..I wonder how they get past it all, beyond all the dumb things and useless things we tell them, there is no answer, no this one has no fix.

So now this super powerful rush of emotions had landed squarely at my feet. Like a novice football player who has no idea what to do with ball, that is how I felt as I moved forward, like going through stiff deep mud. And then it is my turn to fall apart, like out of the blue it seems, almost 24 hours later, I cannot cope as I sob, and realize while this is not everyday, there is a part of me that is no further along than that dark day in February. There is nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to call, because there is NO answer, no fix, no super glue for this..it just is..and I know on some level that "this too shall pass" as I find no solace in some bizarre reality that I enter into. And the eyes, my eyes, the circles, the purplish circles beneath them, that make me feel like I have been beaten by my emotions once again, they are there, haunting me. My eyes hurt so much that next morning. It is like all the memories, all the upset, all the tears that never end, just join together in one dark mass, and loom under my eyes and stare back at me, clinging to some vacant hope. And I hate it. I hate this look. I have often dreaded writing or thinking of things that bring me to these dark shadows, because I want to look pretty when I cry, like an actress we see in the movies, vulnerable, and lost, beautiful but sad, but all the while the tears compliment her somehow, but mine, mine ruin me, they take me into some other world, where I find it hard for me to recognize myself in the mirror.