Just as I went to write a title for today, I was hit by the Memories song, sung by Barbara Streisand like a thousand years ago, but I still love it. I love the Way We Were with her and Robert Redford.
Today is one of those "memories" days for me. Today is the
2 0 t h anniversary of my first date with my second husband. That day was like a bolt from the blue for me. It was not a fancy date by any stretch of the imagination. But in those hours my life was altered f o r e v e r. I am amazed at the memory of the feelings that came over me, like it just happened yesterday, and so many times seems like it did. When one is really young, something that is 20 years from now, or someone who has worked for 20 years, well those statements just seem so unreal to someone when they are young, when they have no concept of big blocks of time. In the exact moment my hand was held, and silly and romantic and ridiculous as it sounds, for me, my life changed. I realize for some people these things are only in the moment (they just don't bother to tell you) while for some of us these things become lifetime, that we just cannot walk away from.
So I built a huge part of my life around my hand being held and the crushing feelings I had about that moment. I mean I really built my life around it. I may have already written earlier that I don't regret it all, I would l i k e to, just for some way to feel better about the whole "thing" but I would be lying. I actually reget that it did not work out, more than anything. I regret that the fantasy I built was not real, because I so wanted to be like the characters in movies that end well, like The Sound of Music, to mention one I have recently.
So 20 years. Funny, I don't really feel that much different. I weigh the same, probably am in better shape. I have a few laugh lines, that is about it. I like myself 10x more than I did then, thank god for that. But overall, it could be like today is October 13, 1989 all over again, because in the movement of time, I cannot really grasp 20 years, when it all seems so fleeting so unreal and real at the same time. Like I just stepped over into some other dimension and it is 20 years later, or like in Narnia, no time has passed whatsoever. How great would that be, I could make my way back to a lightpost right now, go through a wardrobe stuffed with fur coats, and step back into my world where not even a minute has passed. Maybe in some strange way I feel that. With all that has gone on, I still feel remarkably well overall, I wonder how I feel unscathed in many ways, like walking through fire with very few burns. There are other times I feel burned to a crisp and 40 years older, but luckily that is not all the time. Mostly I feel a lot of love. For what was, what is, and what could have been. And maybe that is my own little Narnia after all.
Today is one of those "memories" days for me. Today is the
2 0 t h anniversary of my first date with my second husband. That day was like a bolt from the blue for me. It was not a fancy date by any stretch of the imagination. But in those hours my life was altered f o r e v e r. I am amazed at the memory of the feelings that came over me, like it just happened yesterday, and so many times seems like it did. When one is really young, something that is 20 years from now, or someone who has worked for 20 years, well those statements just seem so unreal to someone when they are young, when they have no concept of big blocks of time. In the exact moment my hand was held, and silly and romantic and ridiculous as it sounds, for me, my life changed. I realize for some people these things are only in the moment (they just don't bother to tell you) while for some of us these things become lifetime, that we just cannot walk away from.
So I built a huge part of my life around my hand being held and the crushing feelings I had about that moment. I mean I really built my life around it. I may have already written earlier that I don't regret it all, I would l i k e to, just for some way to feel better about the whole "thing" but I would be lying. I actually reget that it did not work out, more than anything. I regret that the fantasy I built was not real, because I so wanted to be like the characters in movies that end well, like The Sound of Music, to mention one I have recently.
So 20 years. Funny, I don't really feel that much different. I weigh the same, probably am in better shape. I have a few laugh lines, that is about it. I like myself 10x more than I did then, thank god for that. But overall, it could be like today is October 13, 1989 all over again, because in the movement of time, I cannot really grasp 20 years, when it all seems so fleeting so unreal and real at the same time. Like I just stepped over into some other dimension and it is 20 years later, or like in Narnia, no time has passed whatsoever. How great would that be, I could make my way back to a lightpost right now, go through a wardrobe stuffed with fur coats, and step back into my world where not even a minute has passed. Maybe in some strange way I feel that. With all that has gone on, I still feel remarkably well overall, I wonder how I feel unscathed in many ways, like walking through fire with very few burns. There are other times I feel burned to a crisp and 40 years older, but luckily that is not all the time. Mostly I feel a lot of love. For what was, what is, and what could have been. And maybe that is my own little Narnia after all.
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