Filling in Time

Yeah, I wish he died. I would have gotten a lot of life insurance, nice sympathy from people (real or feigned, but sympathy just the same..) there would be no child custody arrangement, and my mind would slowly let it all go, as it was gone anyhow. But this, this...this never ends. This person is still here, pretty much haunts me day and night, as my mind falls in and out of thoughts and takes me to dreams at night. There is n o sympathy, it is pretty hard to find a fan club for him, and therefore people are more apt to think I am better off, don't waste my time, things will be so great for me, on and on with the pleasantries everywhere, in person and in email, and I just laugh here and there and nod, and wish so much that I agreed with them, completely, and did not have to fake it, which is often what is behind my smile. Oh I don't mean to be deceiving, but I know this all too well, after X amount of time, one cannot be in the old place anymore, it is just not the way it is, so we must move on, at least so it appears. But really, for the most part, I am not sure how far I have come, I would say barely anywhere..certainly on a day like today, when I struggle "to do my life" one I don't want and wonder how the fuck I ended up here, what the hell I have been thinking and doing for almost 30 years, and the idea that I can say for 30 years, just depresses me even more. I am not 25 anymore. I clean a house I really don't want, rake leaves in a yard that I don't want to tend to anymore, wonder what I will do with so many hours of being and I do a lot, believe me..but the hours, days, months, just stretch out, like some incredible journey that has hardly begun, but I feel like I have been on it forever, with no end in sight. All I do is fill in time.