My Sitcom

This is not Sex and the City. Not even trying to be. But I do see parallels when I read what I have written and can hear the show dialogue in my ears. There are so many people who don't get the movie or the characters..clearly the show is not reality, can be overly dramatic, overly outrageous, but I think it went that route in order to be memorable and make its point. I do think many women can find themselves in all the characters, and that may be the gift for us. It really isn't about reality, but then I am not so sure anymore what reality really is, it is changing a lot, and everyone has their own vision.

I have said before, my life is like a sitcom. I don't say that in a way, like, "wow how great I am.." I think more the surprise that in the last one plus year my life has taken me down a road (s) that I had no idea were part of my reality, and every day is like some new turn or twist, and often I am crying over it, but a day or two or week later find humor in it. I really can tell a story and one minute be crying and the next minute laughing. That in itself is the sitcom.

See the other day, when I was on a "meet" that is my word, because it is not a "date" and the guy was telling me his mom had been married 4x before he was 10, he had gained 30 pounds in the last 2 years, and his two knees are titanium--right there, are you laughing..! I wanted to. I wish this type of stuff was on film. And in the meantime, I am totally distracted by the cocktail waitress who is a total parody, and standing over me at the booth with her boobs falling out of her dress, and I say to myself "this is not my life." I wanted to give her a make over.

Or the other guy, who I believe is a con and reminds me WAY TOO MUCH of my past, and makes me want to run really fast in the other direction..wrote me back a snotty email after I wrote him a pretty nice one saying we were not a match (citing his seemingly dishonesty and his too fast moves..) well I was told I babble too much and, get this, the last line, "Your loss." HAH
What an ego. What a bruised baby he is. One dumb "meet" and he cannot handle the rejection.

So these could have been part of my weekly episode. They make great stories to retell later to howling laughter. I am reminded of a line from a movie, and I just cannot remember what one, but one of the characters says to a main character "..your complete willingness to make a fool of yourself." These words ring in my ears. I feel like I am embarking on that all the time. Falling off the horse and forcing myself to go back on. I have come to see that the worst thing seems to be crying, and maybe the best is laughter. My friend told me I am like a present day Mary Tyler Moore, or That Girl, both who I love. Can I be Mary Tyler Moore and throw my cap up into the winter air with a big smile on my face? I do see myself a lot like Carrie, really, a lot like New Christine, Jules from Cougartown.. My life is like my own silly show :) I did not intend for it to be. Maybe we all are a show, just some much better entertainment than others..maybe it is all in the willingness to make a complete fool of oneself..

Side Note

I forgot to mention the cocktail waitress the other day for my match.com meeting I guess you would call it, as it sure was NOT a date. Poor thing. She looked like a sausage, stuffed into a strappy, too short, wayyyyy too tight, black number. She was wearing sky high heals, and a bad perm, and chipped nail polish. That is all I had the time to see. I wanted to stare at her, really stare at her, but I felt bad. Really, it is 3:00 in the afternoon and this girl looks like she should be working a very bad club in Vegas, hardly the get up for a dumb restaurant in Kirkland. I sat there thinking, did the management tell her to dress like that?? She was really friendly and trying so hard. It just made it extra comical with me talking to someone who I had NO interest in at all, it was such a no, and yet, being my typical self, let it go on for 2 hours...u.g.h. Between the cocktail waitress and the non date, it was quite a visual..

Crying Again

I did not know that my next blog would be a repeat of the last one. What is the phrase..lather, rinse, repeat. That seems to be my life this past year, one large circle.

It has been an emotional week. I must seek out boredom, it might serve me well.

I tried the "match" thing and it is like this heart wrenching meat grinder to put one's self through. I am not sure I am cut for it. One was so full of troubles, at least in my mind, I felt more like a counselor lending an ear than a potential match. And like always, I talk, and probably give off the illusion that I am interested, because I don't know how to escape. It is funny when I look back, but at the time, kind of torture.

The other, I think there may be shades of not being honest, it is haunting me right now, and I am feeling like I need to listen to myself. There are shades of too much too fast, and I have lived that before, and it does not end well.

Then there were bombs dropped from my husband, and I know I should say ex, but I hate the term..And these bombs shattered me today. So I sit here and just want to cry myself away into a sea of tears, and float away. It is exhausting to move forward. It is all exhausting. And even at this age, I just want my parents to make it better.

I hold onto me these days for some type of refuge, and I am not sure if I have any to give. So it is this amazing "nothingness" for lack of a better word, that I fall into, as in these moments that is all there is.

I am kind of tired of being beaten down today. I know I have to keep my head high. Can I scream from the f^%$ing rooftops, "I was a good wife!! " I am tired of trying to redeem myself. And I am trying, really trying, just to fly higher, fly higher above it, just keep going, and it is really really really really really really hard. I have no idea what is around the corner every day these days. Thank God for my 4 walls here. It is my refuge. It is my church. I so need it.

Crying

I have spent so much of the last 15 months crying.
.. remember this so well from years ago, and so not wanting to do this again.
...years of hardly crying at all, only at things like sad movies or greeting cards, but no, there was no heartbreak baring down on me.
I am exhausted with the whole thing.
I think, "this will be it, this is the last hurrah in this f ing nightmare.." but no, around the next corner, there I am again, crying.
... given up wondering when it will go away.
There is this big piece of me that stresses on the fact that I don't have the time to be sad, to lose any more years, because my best years, my youth, is leaving me..if I was 30, 35 maybe, I would not mind losing a year or two, but now, no.
...falling in love is best when one is young, so your love knows you in your young state, and loves you through the years..that is how I see it.
My years are leaving me..I don't want to fall in love at 50.
... it sounds crazy, and you might ask, "how do you come up with these thoughts..?" but I do, and they are real to me.
I am conflicted over a broken heart and at the same time wanting to start anew before my youth has left me.
I don't know what it is like to be old.
Kind of like Marilyn Monroe, she is forever immortalized as a young pretty woman.
I don't mean to sound shallow, as I really am not.
It all just goes with the vision I have of love.
Each day just melts into the next.
...done all the work, yes I have..counseling, new hobbies, reading, meditation, yoga, exercise, all of it, and my life has not had a changing, light bulb moment.
There really is little difference for me now versus one year ago when I was blogging away.
...thought there would be, but I was wrong.
I have really tried.
And now I have grown tired of trying.

No Completion

Today was a rough day. Brought to tears so many times. I can only describe it as pure heartbreak. I say "what am I going to do..how am I going to get past it..?" It is very exhausting to try to approach each day, when I never know when the heartbreak will reappear. And I really cannot do anything about it.

I don't think Match is for me. I was mostly overwhelmed and largely disappointed. If I was reading this, I would be laughing..it has only been one week. Yes I know. But if one week is any indication, it is not a good sign.

I made a call last night. One I did not think I would. One I have really not even thought about. But it was like I was over taken, out of the blue. I wanted to talk to my ..and I still think of him as husband, not ex husband. I don't even like saying ex husband about him.It was like this deep need to talk to him. I still wish I could. I don't know what the purpose of the call was. It was not about rehashing, or apologies, or closure. It was about love, missing him, letting him go, missing my best friend. And there is no fix. So I don't know what I achieved, except a lot of crying. It was not a bad phone call, but it was incomplete, as there is no completion with this.

I did not end up feeling better, but I did not end up feeling worse. I am just in a deep abyss, possibly floating further to the bottom. Some days, weeks, I make it very far up.

And I hate crying, because it changes the whole look of my face. I end up taking on a very fragile persona, that any given second I will crumble to pieces. My eyes beg to not be looked at, to give away the secret of all the tears they have just shed and all the tears just dying to follow, but trying so hard to stay away. I try to shy away from looks from people, because I have so little to say.

And I look across the table and think "why can't you be him?" That is where my mind goes. And I think "why can't you be here, why did you throw it all away.." and while doing so, crush me, into so many pieces that I have stumbled around for over a year now trying to rebuild myself, and I don't feel very successful.

I know I am not alone in what I am going through, and what people have been going through for thousands of years. There just seems to be no time line, which makes it unbearable. The beyond grief that descends on me is actually all I have sometimes to hold onto.

Match.com

I really did NOT want to go on a dating site. Not. At. All. But I look at my life, and there are really no outlets for me to meet anyone. And since I would like to meet someone, I felt forced into it..if anything to be on some path, and stop complaining about it.

BUT..it has just been a few days, and wow, there is a whole world I did not know about.

First off, I am convinced that almost every guy does NOT read anything I checked off or wrote.

Guys from across the country, California, um..that does not qualify for a 50 mile radius. As soon as I see people from far away, I think weirdo, like those stories you read when some dumb woman travels to meet the guy, and then he kills her..

Guys who are old.. way over 50..and they look old..it just depresses me!

So many cannot s p e l l. A huge pet peeve of mine. It is just sitting there, blaringly!! I don't think I could go out with someone who spells and writes so poorly.

How many times have I read "I like camping, fishing, hunting, boating.." on and on! I really find it hard to believe, that women 40 and up, and younger, really like doing those things (boating, some might, but I think it depends on the boat and the outing..)I do NOT want to go camping, fishing or hunting!! Nowhere in my profile does it elude to that, so today I put it in plain and simple that I do not want to do these activities.

I really don't believe in relationships based around activities anyhow. Having some mutual interests is very nice, good, but these could be politics, music, food, sexual chemistry, etc..I actually find all of those much more important.

Pictures of their cars, boats, planes, dogs, etc..I do NOT care. Why do men think women are interested in these dumb photos!! My favorite.. pictures with women! Who are these women, their ex girlfriends, wives, sisters! Leave those out. Just post

n o r m a l pictures of yourself!

Kids! If I have to read one more time how much they love their kids, and love spending time with them. Ah, yes you should! You don't get a gold star because you do! And really, your kids are not who I am searching for. I feel like guys use their kids as a crutch to show how great they are. A blended family with little kids..maybe if I was younger, maybe if I was just nicer :) maybe maybe maybe..but I am not at that spot in my life..older kids, like older teenagers, I think I can handle...But over and over I get guys with little kids, some have more than 3--OMG.

Bar-b-qs and their friends. I am not looking for a new huge group of friends. Yes, if I match up with someone, sure we will meet friends. But I don't care out the gate if you have all these great friends!? Pictures of you and your friends drinking beer in the backyard does not excite me.

See, I am just not interested in a camping/fishing/boating trip, with you and your 3 little kids, and your friends, and their kids and girlfriends, and their dumb stories around a campfire while drinking beer..NO thanks!! I would much rather sit home, in a nice, clean, comfy house...with a glass of cold white wine, and watch Twilight again, and wonder when I will meet someone as wonderful as "Edward.!" See, I think most women (I make a lot of assumptions, but usually I am right..) let's say 35 and older, are looking for a cool, successful, fit, handsome, financially together, respectful, romantic, loving, mannerly guy, way more than they are looking for someone who likes camping and has a picture of his car..I am just going to go out on a limb.

Please, women want to hear more about building a relationship, not around outdoor activities, but sexy, romantic, fulfilling ways we will connect. Maybe it is just me. So I am putting this out to the universe. Please stop sending me, geographically undesirable, old, full of little kids, unattractive, photos of their cars and boats guys. PLEASE.

Scattered

There is a certain "scattering" in the air, I don't feel too grounded these stays as I struggle to somehow reinvent myself.

Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary, and I still wish I was celebrating it versus remembering it as a day a long time ago, that is now gone, no longer exists. For most people tomorrow is just plain old May 7. And while I write this, I just chomped, I mean so hard on my bottom lip while chewing gum, that is caused me to yell swears words. I can see the bite mark on my lower lip--am I taking my eye off the ball, my teeth off my gum, and somehow not watching what I am doing..?seems so.

And while I have thrown myself into the "dating world" because I believe I have no choice, what am I going to do, sit here and wait for "Mr. Wonderful" to show up in a fancy car in my driveway one day..not going to happen. So throw I did. It was exhausting to write all about myself, post photos, and then like a major fishing expedition wait and see what shows up in the net. And to be honest, it is an odd odd odd place to be. I still wish one person was here, I wish it all worked out, because that is how I wanted it to be. But I am not sure that wish will ever go away, and maybe I have to just force myself to find someone new to love--I am not sure one can happen without being connected to the other.

And if there might be a new future for me, I don't want it to end again, unless it is years from now and death is doing us part. I just am not meant for break ups and broken hearts. Some people find it liberating to move on, some people don't even care. I find it paralyzing. Now my lip really hurts.

Honestly I am not sure I am even ready to go out, but I know I cannot sit here at my desk, day after day after day and speculate on a future I don't know. It is like being at a crossroad, and neither road I really want to take, but I believe this one might be the better one. So I feel like I threw myself off a cliff.