There is a certain "scattering" in the air, I don't feel too grounded these stays as I struggle to somehow reinvent myself.
Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary, and I still wish I was celebrating it versus remembering it as a day a long time ago, that is now gone, no longer exists. For most people tomorrow is just plain old May 7. And while I write this, I just chomped, I mean so hard on my bottom lip while chewing gum, that is caused me to yell swears words. I can see the bite mark on my lower lip--am I taking my eye off the ball, my teeth off my gum, and somehow not watching what I am doing..?seems so.
And while I have thrown myself into the "dating world" because I believe I have no choice, what am I going to do, sit here and wait for "Mr. Wonderful" to show up in a fancy car in my driveway one day..not going to happen. So throw I did. It was exhausting to write all about myself, post photos, and then like a major fishing expedition wait and see what shows up in the net. And to be honest, it is an odd odd odd place to be. I still wish one person was here, I wish it all worked out, because that is how I wanted it to be. But I am not sure that wish will ever go away, and maybe I have to just force myself to find someone new to love--I am not sure one can happen without being connected to the other.
And if there might be a new future for me, I don't want it to end again, unless it is years from now and death is doing us part. I just am not meant for break ups and broken hearts. Some people find it liberating to move on, some people don't even care. I find it paralyzing. Now my lip really hurts.
Honestly I am not sure I am even ready to go out, but I know I cannot sit here at my desk, day after day after day and speculate on a future I don't know. It is like being at a crossroad, and neither road I really want to take, but I believe this one might be the better one. So I feel like I threw myself off a cliff.
Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary, and I still wish I was celebrating it versus remembering it as a day a long time ago, that is now gone, no longer exists. For most people tomorrow is just plain old May 7. And while I write this, I just chomped, I mean so hard on my bottom lip while chewing gum, that is caused me to yell swears words. I can see the bite mark on my lower lip--am I taking my eye off the ball, my teeth off my gum, and somehow not watching what I am doing..?seems so.
And while I have thrown myself into the "dating world" because I believe I have no choice, what am I going to do, sit here and wait for "Mr. Wonderful" to show up in a fancy car in my driveway one day..not going to happen. So throw I did. It was exhausting to write all about myself, post photos, and then like a major fishing expedition wait and see what shows up in the net. And to be honest, it is an odd odd odd place to be. I still wish one person was here, I wish it all worked out, because that is how I wanted it to be. But I am not sure that wish will ever go away, and maybe I have to just force myself to find someone new to love--I am not sure one can happen without being connected to the other.
And if there might be a new future for me, I don't want it to end again, unless it is years from now and death is doing us part. I just am not meant for break ups and broken hearts. Some people find it liberating to move on, some people don't even care. I find it paralyzing. Now my lip really hurts.
Honestly I am not sure I am even ready to go out, but I know I cannot sit here at my desk, day after day after day and speculate on a future I don't know. It is like being at a crossroad, and neither road I really want to take, but I believe this one might be the better one. So I feel like I threw myself off a cliff.
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