Today was a rough day. Brought to tears so many times. I can only describe it as pure heartbreak. I say "what am I going to do..how am I going to get past it..?" It is very exhausting to try to approach each day, when I never know when the heartbreak will reappear. And I really cannot do anything about it.
I don't think Match is for me. I was mostly overwhelmed and largely disappointed. If I was reading this, I would be laughing..it has only been one week. Yes I know. But if one week is any indication, it is not a good sign.
I made a call last night. One I did not think I would. One I have really not even thought about. But it was like I was over taken, out of the blue. I wanted to talk to my ..and I still think of him as husband, not ex husband. I don't even like saying ex husband about him.It was like this deep need to talk to him. I still wish I could. I don't know what the purpose of the call was. It was not about rehashing, or apologies, or closure. It was about love, missing him, letting him go, missing my best friend. And there is no fix. So I don't know what I achieved, except a lot of crying. It was not a bad phone call, but it was incomplete, as there is no completion with this.
I did not end up feeling better, but I did not end up feeling worse. I am just in a deep abyss, possibly floating further to the bottom. Some days, weeks, I make it very far up.
And I hate crying, because it changes the whole look of my face. I end up taking on a very fragile persona, that any given second I will crumble to pieces. My eyes beg to not be looked at, to give away the secret of all the tears they have just shed and all the tears just dying to follow, but trying so hard to stay away. I try to shy away from looks from people, because I have so little to say.
And I look across the table and think "why can't you be him?" That is where my mind goes. And I think "why can't you be here, why did you throw it all away.." and while doing so, crush me, into so many pieces that I have stumbled around for over a year now trying to rebuild myself, and I don't feel very successful.
I know I am not alone in what I am going through, and what people have been going through for thousands of years. There just seems to be no time line, which makes it unbearable. The beyond grief that descends on me is actually all I have sometimes to hold onto.
I don't think Match is for me. I was mostly overwhelmed and largely disappointed. If I was reading this, I would be laughing..it has only been one week. Yes I know. But if one week is any indication, it is not a good sign.
I made a call last night. One I did not think I would. One I have really not even thought about. But it was like I was over taken, out of the blue. I wanted to talk to my ..and I still think of him as husband, not ex husband. I don't even like saying ex husband about him.It was like this deep need to talk to him. I still wish I could. I don't know what the purpose of the call was. It was not about rehashing, or apologies, or closure. It was about love, missing him, letting him go, missing my best friend. And there is no fix. So I don't know what I achieved, except a lot of crying. It was not a bad phone call, but it was incomplete, as there is no completion with this.
I did not end up feeling better, but I did not end up feeling worse. I am just in a deep abyss, possibly floating further to the bottom. Some days, weeks, I make it very far up.
And I hate crying, because it changes the whole look of my face. I end up taking on a very fragile persona, that any given second I will crumble to pieces. My eyes beg to not be looked at, to give away the secret of all the tears they have just shed and all the tears just dying to follow, but trying so hard to stay away. I try to shy away from looks from people, because I have so little to say.
And I look across the table and think "why can't you be him?" That is where my mind goes. And I think "why can't you be here, why did you throw it all away.." and while doing so, crush me, into so many pieces that I have stumbled around for over a year now trying to rebuild myself, and I don't feel very successful.
I know I am not alone in what I am going through, and what people have been going through for thousands of years. There just seems to be no time line, which makes it unbearable. The beyond grief that descends on me is actually all I have sometimes to hold onto.
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