I did not know that my next blog would be a repeat of the last one. What is the phrase..lather, rinse, repeat. That seems to be my life this past year, one large circle.
It has been an emotional week. I must seek out boredom, it might serve me well.
I tried the "match" thing and it is like this heart wrenching meat grinder to put one's self through. I am not sure I am cut for it. One was so full of troubles, at least in my mind, I felt more like a counselor lending an ear than a potential match. And like always, I talk, and probably give off the illusion that I am interested, because I don't know how to escape. It is funny when I look back, but at the time, kind of torture.
The other, I think there may be shades of not being honest, it is haunting me right now, and I am feeling like I need to listen to myself. There are shades of too much too fast, and I have lived that before, and it does not end well.
Then there were bombs dropped from my husband, and I know I should say ex, but I hate the term..And these bombs shattered me today. So I sit here and just want to cry myself away into a sea of tears, and float away. It is exhausting to move forward. It is all exhausting. And even at this age, I just want my parents to make it better.
I hold onto me these days for some type of refuge, and I am not sure if I have any to give. So it is this amazing "nothingness" for lack of a better word, that I fall into, as in these moments that is all there is.
I am kind of tired of being beaten down today. I know I have to keep my head high. Can I scream from the f^%$ing rooftops, "I was a good wife!! " I am tired of trying to redeem myself. And I am trying, really trying, just to fly higher, fly higher above it, just keep going, and it is really really really really really really hard. I have no idea what is around the corner every day these days. Thank God for my 4 walls here. It is my refuge. It is my church. I so need it.
It has been an emotional week. I must seek out boredom, it might serve me well.
I tried the "match" thing and it is like this heart wrenching meat grinder to put one's self through. I am not sure I am cut for it. One was so full of troubles, at least in my mind, I felt more like a counselor lending an ear than a potential match. And like always, I talk, and probably give off the illusion that I am interested, because I don't know how to escape. It is funny when I look back, but at the time, kind of torture.
The other, I think there may be shades of not being honest, it is haunting me right now, and I am feeling like I need to listen to myself. There are shades of too much too fast, and I have lived that before, and it does not end well.
Then there were bombs dropped from my husband, and I know I should say ex, but I hate the term..And these bombs shattered me today. So I sit here and just want to cry myself away into a sea of tears, and float away. It is exhausting to move forward. It is all exhausting. And even at this age, I just want my parents to make it better.
I hold onto me these days for some type of refuge, and I am not sure if I have any to give. So it is this amazing "nothingness" for lack of a better word, that I fall into, as in these moments that is all there is.
I am kind of tired of being beaten down today. I know I have to keep my head high. Can I scream from the f^%$ing rooftops, "I was a good wife!! " I am tired of trying to redeem myself. And I am trying, really trying, just to fly higher, fly higher above it, just keep going, and it is really really really really really really hard. I have no idea what is around the corner every day these days. Thank God for my 4 walls here. It is my refuge. It is my church. I so need it.
No comments:
Post a Comment