I am not sure if I really know how to be a girlfriend. I think I am more a wife, but then again I am divorced, so maybe I did not know how to be a wife either..
I wonder if we all "play house." Is that the way to make it work? I love playing house. I love the security I feel right down to my core.
Back to being a girlfriend. I like things kind of set in stone. Marriage is different than being just a couple. There just feels like a lot of loose ends. Less expectations. Less "knowns." Not that marriage is any guarantee, but it feels more like it. It is harder to get divorced than just break up, for the most part...I don't like the ebb and flow of being a girl friend. I find myself going up and down in emotions, are they real or just "love" infused..so hard to say..I know you cannot be a girlfriend before you are a wife..but it has been so long, more than 20 years, so I just really find it a challenge.I guess I see it like this..
child
teenager
grown up
girlfriend
wife
widow
dead
are you laughing? I know there is a lot more to it than that. But in my head, I see it as a linear equation..even though I have not lived it like that so I don't know why that is how I think of it.
It is hard to transition between girlfriend, wife, single and all the way back around again. I think some people are just really good at it. They don't take it all personally (which is one of the Four Agreements, I am forgetting that book--don't take things personally, don't gossip, always do your best, and don't make assumptions) maybe I should be re reading that book everyday, it might keep my head together..I kind of get caught up in taking things personally and making assumptions..those are my weak points.
I am happy. I smile a lot these days and am love infused. But there is a price. The price is knowing it could end. I mean I know it will all end, but I like the idea of it ending years down the road, when I am old and then become a widow and then die. That seems like the easy route.
I wonder if we all "play house." Is that the way to make it work? I love playing house. I love the security I feel right down to my core.
Back to being a girlfriend. I like things kind of set in stone. Marriage is different than being just a couple. There just feels like a lot of loose ends. Less expectations. Less "knowns." Not that marriage is any guarantee, but it feels more like it. It is harder to get divorced than just break up, for the most part...I don't like the ebb and flow of being a girl friend. I find myself going up and down in emotions, are they real or just "love" infused..so hard to say..I know you cannot be a girlfriend before you are a wife..but it has been so long, more than 20 years, so I just really find it a challenge.I guess I see it like this..
child
teenager
grown up
girlfriend
wife
widow
dead
are you laughing? I know there is a lot more to it than that. But in my head, I see it as a linear equation..even though I have not lived it like that so I don't know why that is how I think of it.
It is hard to transition between girlfriend, wife, single and all the way back around again. I think some people are just really good at it. They don't take it all personally (which is one of the Four Agreements, I am forgetting that book--don't take things personally, don't gossip, always do your best, and don't make assumptions) maybe I should be re reading that book everyday, it might keep my head together..I kind of get caught up in taking things personally and making assumptions..those are my weak points.
I am happy. I smile a lot these days and am love infused. But there is a price. The price is knowing it could end. I mean I know it will all end, but I like the idea of it ending years down the road, when I am old and then become a widow and then die. That seems like the easy route.
