Divorce

I sit here and stare at the screen, wondering what exactly I will write. I really had no idea one week ago, even less than that, that I would be getting divorced. Oh I worried about it. I implored my husband to answer me, work with me, be my partner, for years now, but I guess I thought he would come around. I did not know he would say "I decline" and "I will look for a place to live." At this very second I am really angry. I want him to be gone. It is torture knowing you are breaking up, and then the person is still in the house. And I wonder what he is up to? Have the ads been placed, the profiles set up? And a part of me wants to kick me and say who gives a shit?? let it go!!

Thursday night we told our daughter. While she was broken hearted, she, I guess like little kids do, seemed to bounce back, all at the same time. Who knows, it is all new, so it could totally change day to day for her. Once her dad moves a real broken little heart might set in.

For me, that night, I was a mess. I cried and cried, while my husband sat there, and almost seemed smug to me. Deep down, I think he is breathing a big sigh of relief, I think he is excited that he is going to go find the "life" he thinks is out there, I think he stopped giving a rat's ass about me a long time ago. So I sat there alone in my upset, and then I went upstairs and cried so much that night that it looked like my eyes had been beat up, I mean it is like they were black and blue, and so puffy and so awful the next day. I cried for the loss of the life I think I have, because I cannot honestly say I think I have had the family life that has been presented to me. I really don't know. I know I keep up my part of the bargain, as squeaky clean as they come. But in any case I cried for the perhaps perception if not reality of what was leaving me, and sending me off to a course I have already been on 2x --once from a prior marriage with my first daughter about 20 years ago, then again with my current husband about 11 years ago, and now again with the same man. It is a course I find agonizing and slow and no way around and I think I cried more because I just don't know if I can do this again, I don't want to. And I cried because I now have to drag a second child through this course with me, so I cry for her, more so as she now has to deal with me. I cried for the failure of my marriage, when even though he might not agree, is a huge commitment and focus for me, maybe too much, maybe I want to make everything so right and he just does not care. But it is a failure, and now I have failed 3x at marriage--1x with husband number 1, and 2x with husband number 2, and this is all a bit much for me. As I write this I sob again, because I guess that is a huge thing for me. Here I sit 44, with 2 failed marriages, 2 kids from two different dads, and wonder what is my future, do I really have the zest to create one? I cried for letting my daughter down, as this time around I SO DID NOT want this to happen. I have tried so hard at this marriage to make that not happen, but it did anyhow. I cried I guess just from sheer exhaustion as well.

So the last few days have not brought much relief. They have been like walking through the mud and agonizing to my heart, afraid at any given moment I will burst into tears, afraid to call anyone or go anywhere. And I am faced with what I believe is a core issue, that I do not present the love life he wants, not what he thinks a woman should be, some type of woman I am not and cannot be. So there is just another lack for me. And as I packed up any thing to remind me of him, from photos to jewelry, all for my daughter now or down the road, I cannot say I felt better, but felt I was doing something good for me. I think when he and all his stuff is gone I might feel a bit better, but I cannot really say. I know more than anything I want to sell this house, but with the market I am not sure if that is possible right now, so I feel like I am sentenced to torture. Then there is work, how will I get through it? How will I be an upbeat salesperson, when I don't even want to get dressed in the morning? Meals have been almost non existent as I feel cold and frail as my body as probably hungry but I have no appetite.

I so $%^&# do not want to be here again. I want to be like my neighbors on the block in nice good marriages and dinner table conversation and working in the yard. I don't want to be where I am at. I even searched "how to run away" as I thought there might be some great gem there, but no luck, as I expected.

And while I sit in my office, which has become like my little home, as I am sleeping in here as well, I just want to throw the computer out the window and all this bullshit with it. As I told my friend the other day, "I am pretty much broken hearted." Really shouldn't I be? How do other people just move on? I wish I had been born like that.

Safe and Snug

I just have not been "finding Saratoga" lately. I just read my last blog and don't feel bad for writing it, which is a good thing. Have you ever felt like, "gee I should not have said that or written that..?" like we have to make everything we do or say in life be nice and sweet and upbeat or otherwise people will look at us and say "gee what a downer you are!" Oh well, too bad. I cannot be upbeat and fun all the time, that alone I find exhausting. Nor do I want to be a downer too much. Somewhere in the middle, safe and snug, now there is the place to be.

If I had to give myself some points, I am going to score well on the past week for exercise. I ran 3 times, total about 10 miles, and also did yoga every single day. Now this is a miracle for me. I have not done that, I don't know, in years? Now is the question, hanging over me, "well you made a week, can you keep it up?" I am afraid to answer that with a resounding "yes!" What if I don't..? But I have to say, I have become a fan of yoga. I never really wanted to consider it. Eight years ago when my daughter was born, I bought a yoga video tape, and never opened it! Eight years, that is a hell of a long time. But my daughter showed me the section on On Demand on TV, she even put on her little yoga outfit, and I thought "maybe I could give this a whirl." So far so good. Really good. What have I been missing?

Running, it has been great. I don't know if I could run without loud music in my ears. I love the new music players (I go all the way back to the heavy and cumberson Walkmans--I mean, that is a longgggg time ago) now the Apple Shuffle is so small, it feels like a paper clip clipped to me. When one runs with music, it really is like being in a scene from a movie, and that has some sort of magical quality for me.

So I will give myself the thumbs up for making it for one week with exercise. Now of course I worry that weeks will pass, and I will read this and feel bad. But I hope not. I cannot say at the moment it improved my week, it really didn't. I almost felt like it brought me down. It might just be I am stirring myself up, and there is all this junk and ash that has been just sitting there and it is trying desparately to get out. So maybe I am still in the "clearing out phase."

So stay tuned. Maybe I will "find Saratoga" yet in the next day, or right around the upcoming corner.

Downer

Is it just me? Feels like it sometimes. I need a support group that just wants to complain and worry :) I mean it is brutal sometimes. I am stressed out, worried, don't have anything to look forward to--feels like I work to pay bills and don't have much fun or entertainment. Try to do other stuff to fill in the gaps, put on a happy face, think great thoughts, keep busy, but I still find today depressing and I found myself saying, I hate my life. I don't have anything to look forward to at the moment. I wish I had the funds to close up shop in cold rainy Washington, move somewhere tropical, preferably Hawaii, live in a cute but modern little place, go to the beach everyday and live a nice simple but terrific life. That is what I want now! I don't want to stress every day about the economy, making money, not having a whole lot of fun. And to top it off, it is not popular to talk like this, so I feel like a remote little island. I feel like hanging my head in my hands and crying. I feel like running away. Do we all at some point say, this is not what I thought my life would be?

My Bucket

Last night I finally saw The Bucket List. It was good. I cannot say I loved it, but it was good. But it doesn't matter if I loved it or not, there was a great message there.

I sat there at the last bit, and thought, "what would be my list." That is a tough one. I suppose there are many places in the world I would really like to see. Places that come to mind, Ireland, Washington DC, England, Paris, Denmark, India, China, New Zealand, Fiji, Bermuda, The Keys, Yellowstone, The Grand Canyon, Alaska, Egypt, Jerusalem, wow this list is getting long! It would be incredibly complicated and expensive to go to most of these places! So how about something simpler, close to home. Well the US stuff would be pretty easy to do, and I could probably get away to one or two other destinations. So I will go with Ireland and instead of Fiji I am going to go back to Hawaii and go to all the islands (I wish I lived there anyhow!)

Things on a list that I don't need to leave my front door--finish my book, keep blogging until my last breath, spend tons of time with my two daughters, just even playing board games, watching movies, or reading aloud. Reconnect with my husband, I used to love it when we read poetry together, or would talk while having a glass of wine. See all my siblings and their spouses and their children and my parents, as much as possible. Laughter, that is what I always get with that big bunch. And a sense of who I am. Make sure all my affairs are in order, because I want to leave my life very neat :) I once said, along with my mother, that when we go, we want people to say "wow she was so organized." My little sister thought that was hysterical. So yes I would want my home and yard to look beautiful, call me silly, but that is how I want to leave.

But people are more important than cleaning, so I might not be able to vacuum on that last day :) And i want to make sure I am good with God/the universe. I would like to make plans on some kind of signs I can send my childeren when I am gone, even just finding me in the early morning light, remembering me every time they watch It is a Wonderful Life, keeping my picture on their dresser.

While traveling sounds amazing and would fill me with so much beauty, I suppose most of my list is right at home, people and thoughts, and what I can leave behind. It is a sobering thought to think, "I will be gone one day. I will be all over." As we all know, the best we can hope for is that someone remembers us well, maybe not always so well :), but they remember us and pass us on.And I look forward to seeing those who went before ,who I do believe are waiting for us, just one step away.

Nadya Suleman

Okay, I don't really mean to have my last two blogs about 2 women (well one a little girl..but man she is way more grown up than the woman..) but these stories just came in at the same time.

When I first sat down to write this, I was and still will, going to write about Nadya, and why I think she is a nut and this whole story is u n b e l i e v a b l e. But now that I see it lined up right next to the amazing story on Nujood Ali, wow, what a contrast. One just a little sweet girl, but more grit and confidence than grown up women AND men. One an overgrown teenager who looks like she is trying to impersonate a movie star and thinks once she gets her degree she can take care of her FOURTEEN children.

When I first saw the headlines, I have to say I was not all the interested. I guess I should be, but multiple births seem to be so common these days, I don't think EIGHT really hit me-it is a BIG deal though. Maybe I was just too distracted with work and layoffs and the tough times of our country to read the story. But then I saw more headlines, and more facts came out, and then I got really interested!! Here is what seems to be true..

She is in her 30s and already has 6 kids under 8. She has used a "friend" sperm donor for all the kids. She was married, I don't think she is divorced yet, but I guess he is not the dad? She lives with her own mother, who apparently went bankrupt last year and seems to resent taking care of her and her kids--I don't get the sense from the interview quotes that she is thrilled over the moon to help with 14 grandkids. Nadya was hurt in work accident quite some years ago, and has received almost $170,000 from the state of CA. The bill for delivering and caring for the 8 babies for a couple of months, at least, in the hospital is well over $1 million! I am sure there are other compelling facts that you already know and more to come.

So with all of this, I think she is a nut and a nut of a story. I don't care how much someone needs to fill their heart and make up for a lost childhood, no one needs 14 kids to do it, even 5, 6, or 7, we all have to fill our hearts ourselves. BUT if one really needs this many, please go adopt them--millions need help. How could a reputable fertility clinic, or even one that isn't reputable, implant all those embryos? She has 6 kids under 8, she has no job or income, what else did the clinic(s) need to know..? to say "sorry, no."

Parenting is a tough job, if you have kids, or even know people with kids, we all know it is the hardest job. So many needs and wants, and costs, and time. One or even two people have a tough time with just a few kids--I know from experience, and being from a family of 7, we made it, but it is a lot of work! My parents were married, my dad had an income, my mom worked from the home, we had a great life, I cannot even image doubling that number to 14!

Children need so much, and there is no way one mom can meet 14 children's needs. I am crazed that she is getting so much press, that she got some type of "celebrity" status with the whole thing, that she just comes off so unrealistic and childish--okay maybe a teenager. To make it ironic, I believe the story about Nujood is she came from 15 brothers and sisters. God knows what kind of family life she came from, and god knows what kind of family life Nadya is putting together.

The babies are adorable and are little miracles--I do believe that, and they like every child out there deserve the best life possible. But please this story should serve as a wake up call, if nothing else that this does not happen again with fertility clinics, and in the broader sense I am not even sure what to say..I don't want to preach, god knows I have my own challenges and shortcomings, but this story is just too much for me.

Why did I put a picture of a road with fall leaves? I just did not want this to be about her photo.Almost like I don't want her image to be the focus of this. And when I thought about it, finding some quiet was what I was looking for. The road looks like something I would love to jump in and walk down.

Nujood Ali

It amazes me every day when I look to CNN.com for news, the never ending stories. I should not be amazed, we live in a world with billions of people, there are billions of stories out there. But I guess in my own little safe world, I just cannot ever get my hands around the tragic stories that happen to people out there.

So I hop on CNN.com last night to see how the world is before I turn in for hopeful sweet dreams, and read the unbelievable story of Nujood Ali. An adorable little Yemen girl who just had fun in Paris--celebrating her divorce!!!

Story goes, her PARENTS one year ago married her off to a man THREE times her age. After enduring RAPE and BEATINGS for 2 months, even after she was finally allowed to visit her parents they still made her go BACK.

But ah, this child is a SURVIVOR. She was given PENNIES by her mother to go buy bread, instead she took a bus to the capital city of Sanaa--with 3 MILLION people, hailed a cab and asked to be taken to a courthouse. She arrived. She did not know what to do, so she sat and sat, until finally a judge asked why she was there and she said "I want a divorce." Horrified, he took her home to play with his 8 year old granddaughter and granted her a divorce 2 days later.

The story caught the attention of Sanaa newspapers and then international waves, and an autobiography has been ghost written.

Yemen has now raised the law from 15 to 18 when a girl can be married off. Apparently TRASH like her own parents did not give a rat's ass about her marrying her off at 9 years old.
I am so outraged by this story, it makes me nuts. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE are these? I don't care if their life is a total mess, I don't care if they are starving, (if they are..)I have no idea, and the "husband" she was dumped with is a CHILD ABUSER and MOLESTER. It sickens me. Where is the common decency and respect for sweet little children. I guess I sit here in my simple little world and just don't get it.

These stories make me want to work for children's rights, especially girls and women in these countries that I won't name, but we know who they are. I am fuming over this.

The bright spot is this little girl is AMAZING. She is a huge survivor and has tremendous will and confidence (god knows how) in her own self. Something most of us would not be able to do as children, to even know WE CAN, let alone grown ups who live disastrous lives because they are afraid to leave. She has gone on to say she wants to be a lawyer when she grows up and "no longer thinks about marriage" when asked if she thinks she will meet her Prince Charming one day (did a reporter really say that??) This little girl is amazing. Her story is a testament to the human spirit that says NO MORE. We all need to be like this.

Finding Magic

My little girl turned 8 on February 2. What a wonderful age. Full of excitement and fun and laughter and love. She has no bad thoughts or any worries. Each day is its own special unique day. I love watching her celebrate her birthday. Every card she gets, every GIFT she gets, anything we do, is like better than the thing before! She even wore her "birthday girl" badge, and with so much pride. She is like a little gift that we get to open again and again, a gift that never ceases to be wonderful. The light children have is unbelievable. I sit here at my keyboard a bit stressed about another day at work and feeling like I am in a hot pot, along with millions of other people (and hey I have it good..) and wish the early morning before 7 AM would just go on for hours and I could just hang out in the quiet and safety of my own little cocoon. But the day will start very soon. My little one snuggles in her bed asleep with sweet dreams and I love that energy. It is like magic dust sprinkled around. When we grow up where does it go. So hard to find it and keep it, even when we try. It is like the elusive light disappearing around the corner even as we try to keep up with it. Like that light in Sleeping Beauty that keeps going up the stairs as she chases it. What does it bring her to? A pricked finger and a long deep sleep. Maybe the light isn't worth chasing (even though her handsome prince still finds her..) Maybe the light is just right here, right at this keyboard, right in the room before 7 am and all day long. I am not so sure at the moment, after a night filled with stressful dreams. Some say they need coffee. But I don't drink it.

January Ends

Ugh. Just another incredibly stressful month. We all feel it, it is everywhere these days. It is impossible to have a conversation and not have it turn to the economy. I try to start evey day new and just be in the moment for that day. But then the conversation comes back again, how can it not these days. So many more job losses in January, it is almost incomprehensible. Where are these people going to find a job? The company I work for had lay offs, small in comparison, yet it still hit home, some of my colleagues lost their job. I think we all worry these days, we are all on the hot seat, wondering, waiting, going that extra mile to keep our job, even trying to not think about it, not put the vibe out in the universe.

But I guess we all need a Plan B. Plan Bs don't seem all that attractive these days. There is the extreme Plan B--like in LA last week, when a man shot and killed his wife and 5 kids, saying he and his wife agreed to end their lives, as they had no choice, with no jobs (I am paraphrasing.) It stuns me that this was their Plan B. And it was not a Plan B months or year down the road, but within weeks, if even that. So incredibly sad that all their lives ended over money.

I am at a loss of what to write, except for my same thought that life is more important than money. There must be a way, even if it is a very less than great way to make it through, there is a way, there has to be. Otherwise what is the choice? The country is in quite a state right now.Everywhere. I guess part of getting out of it, has to be a new mind set, otherwise we just go into a spiral. It starts at home. I don't have the answers, I am not a economist, a financial planner, a guru with the answers. Far from it. Far from it. But I know death is never the answer. I know Plan Bs can be put together. I have read some uplifting stories of Plan Bs--people turning the corner and starting over. They found a way to make it work, a new way, but they found it. Life is about change, and as we see right now, sometimes some really tough changes. I think I have said it before, it was from Churchill, "never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up."