I sit here and stare at the screen, wondering what exactly I will write. I really had no idea one week ago, even less than that, that I would be getting divorced. Oh I worried about it. I implored my husband to answer me, work with me, be my partner, for years now, but I guess I thought he would come around. I did not know he would say "I decline" and "I will look for a place to live." At this very second I am really angry. I want him to be gone. It is torture knowing you are breaking up, and then the person is still in the house. And I wonder what he is up to? Have the ads been placed, the profiles set up? And a part of me wants to kick me and say who gives a shit?? let it go!!
Thursday night we told our daughter. While she was broken hearted, she, I guess like little kids do, seemed to bounce back, all at the same time. Who knows, it is all new, so it could totally change day to day for her. Once her dad moves a real broken little heart might set in.
For me, that night, I was a mess. I cried and cried, while my husband sat there, and almost seemed smug to me. Deep down, I think he is breathing a big sigh of relief, I think he is excited that he is going to go find the "life" he thinks is out there, I think he stopped giving a rat's ass about me a long time ago. So I sat there alone in my upset, and then I went upstairs and cried so much that night that it looked like my eyes had been beat up, I mean it is like they were black and blue, and so puffy and so awful the next day. I cried for the loss of the life I think I have, because I cannot honestly say I think I have had the family life that has been presented to me. I really don't know. I know I keep up my part of the bargain, as squeaky clean as they come. But in any case I cried for the perhaps perception if not reality of what was leaving me, and sending me off to a course I have already been on 2x --once from a prior marriage with my first daughter about 20 years ago, then again with my current husband about 11 years ago, and now again with the same man. It is a course I find agonizing and slow and no way around and I think I cried more because I just don't know if I can do this again, I don't want to. And I cried because I now have to drag a second child through this course with me, so I cry for her, more so as she now has to deal with me. I cried for the failure of my marriage, when even though he might not agree, is a huge commitment and focus for me, maybe too much, maybe I want to make everything so right and he just does not care. But it is a failure, and now I have failed 3x at marriage--1x with husband number 1, and 2x with husband number 2, and this is all a bit much for me. As I write this I sob again, because I guess that is a huge thing for me. Here I sit 44, with 2 failed marriages, 2 kids from two different dads, and wonder what is my future, do I really have the zest to create one? I cried for letting my daughter down, as this time around I SO DID NOT want this to happen. I have tried so hard at this marriage to make that not happen, but it did anyhow. I cried I guess just from sheer exhaustion as well.
So the last few days have not brought much relief. They have been like walking through the mud and agonizing to my heart, afraid at any given moment I will burst into tears, afraid to call anyone or go anywhere. And I am faced with what I believe is a core issue, that I do not present the love life he wants, not what he thinks a woman should be, some type of woman I am not and cannot be. So there is just another lack for me. And as I packed up any thing to remind me of him, from photos to jewelry, all for my daughter now or down the road, I cannot say I felt better, but felt I was doing something good for me. I think when he and all his stuff is gone I might feel a bit better, but I cannot really say. I know more than anything I want to sell this house, but with the market I am not sure if that is possible right now, so I feel like I am sentenced to torture. Then there is work, how will I get through it? How will I be an upbeat salesperson, when I don't even want to get dressed in the morning? Meals have been almost non existent as I feel cold and frail as my body as probably hungry but I have no appetite.
I so $%^&# do not want to be here again. I want to be like my neighbors on the block in nice good marriages and dinner table conversation and working in the yard. I don't want to be where I am at. I even searched "how to run away" as I thought there might be some great gem there, but no luck, as I expected.
And while I sit in my office, which has become like my little home, as I am sleeping in here as well, I just want to throw the computer out the window and all this bullshit with it. As I told my friend the other day, "I am pretty much broken hearted." Really shouldn't I be? How do other people just move on? I wish I had been born like that.
Thursday night we told our daughter. While she was broken hearted, she, I guess like little kids do, seemed to bounce back, all at the same time. Who knows, it is all new, so it could totally change day to day for her. Once her dad moves a real broken little heart might set in.
For me, that night, I was a mess. I cried and cried, while my husband sat there, and almost seemed smug to me. Deep down, I think he is breathing a big sigh of relief, I think he is excited that he is going to go find the "life" he thinks is out there, I think he stopped giving a rat's ass about me a long time ago. So I sat there alone in my upset, and then I went upstairs and cried so much that night that it looked like my eyes had been beat up, I mean it is like they were black and blue, and so puffy and so awful the next day. I cried for the loss of the life I think I have, because I cannot honestly say I think I have had the family life that has been presented to me. I really don't know. I know I keep up my part of the bargain, as squeaky clean as they come. But in any case I cried for the perhaps perception if not reality of what was leaving me, and sending me off to a course I have already been on 2x --once from a prior marriage with my first daughter about 20 years ago, then again with my current husband about 11 years ago, and now again with the same man. It is a course I find agonizing and slow and no way around and I think I cried more because I just don't know if I can do this again, I don't want to. And I cried because I now have to drag a second child through this course with me, so I cry for her, more so as she now has to deal with me. I cried for the failure of my marriage, when even though he might not agree, is a huge commitment and focus for me, maybe too much, maybe I want to make everything so right and he just does not care. But it is a failure, and now I have failed 3x at marriage--1x with husband number 1, and 2x with husband number 2, and this is all a bit much for me. As I write this I sob again, because I guess that is a huge thing for me. Here I sit 44, with 2 failed marriages, 2 kids from two different dads, and wonder what is my future, do I really have the zest to create one? I cried for letting my daughter down, as this time around I SO DID NOT want this to happen. I have tried so hard at this marriage to make that not happen, but it did anyhow. I cried I guess just from sheer exhaustion as well.
So the last few days have not brought much relief. They have been like walking through the mud and agonizing to my heart, afraid at any given moment I will burst into tears, afraid to call anyone or go anywhere. And I am faced with what I believe is a core issue, that I do not present the love life he wants, not what he thinks a woman should be, some type of woman I am not and cannot be. So there is just another lack for me. And as I packed up any thing to remind me of him, from photos to jewelry, all for my daughter now or down the road, I cannot say I felt better, but felt I was doing something good for me. I think when he and all his stuff is gone I might feel a bit better, but I cannot really say. I know more than anything I want to sell this house, but with the market I am not sure if that is possible right now, so I feel like I am sentenced to torture. Then there is work, how will I get through it? How will I be an upbeat salesperson, when I don't even want to get dressed in the morning? Meals have been almost non existent as I feel cold and frail as my body as probably hungry but I have no appetite.
I so $%^&# do not want to be here again. I want to be like my neighbors on the block in nice good marriages and dinner table conversation and working in the yard. I don't want to be where I am at. I even searched "how to run away" as I thought there might be some great gem there, but no luck, as I expected.
And while I sit in my office, which has become like my little home, as I am sleeping in here as well, I just want to throw the computer out the window and all this bullshit with it. As I told my friend the other day, "I am pretty much broken hearted." Really shouldn't I be? How do other people just move on? I wish I had been born like that.
1 comment:
at least your brother loves you!
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