No Pause in the March of the Universe

“New Year's Eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted...”~Hamilton Wright Mabie

I read this today and sighed a bit of relief. Except for the overwhelmingly marketed holiday of NYE! certainly it has no real meaning..not that I don't love the celebration. This year I am being pretty quite with a couple of bottles of white wine and one of my very best friends, as we joyously and often hysterically will welcome in the new year. But in years past I have done the whole going out party thing and really do like it.

Yet, really it is all meaningless. The universe does keep marching. Our lives keep marching as well. The clock goes on and on. But tonight does have special meaning for me. I am letting go of 2009, which as been my toughest year, I am letting it all go, letting it all go. I have spent countless hours weeping and having bad dreams. Yet found a bit of magic to blow into, with writing and painting and running and gardening and yoga-ing :) and laughing with some very dear friends, who held me up and

celebrated

me.

I still wish, wish, wish, I could wave a magic wand and have the life I dreamt of for so long, the life I tried to make real for so long, to have "him" work out, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it would all be so. But this was the year to face the reality, that it was never meant to be, I only stretched out the ending for almost 20 years. So I am letting it all go, and still it is very hard.

Marley and Me and Me

One year ago I sat crying in a theater watching "Marley and Me." I had no idea the impact that the film would have on me in that moment in time. I really had no grasp, in real time, that my marriage and the life I knew was literally unraveling before my eyes. Quickly. The threads were like in fast forward, just undoing themselves so rapidly, that there was no fix. And yet, even so, I could not totally see it. Sounds so ridiculous. I suppose in the darkest hour there is always some false hope, that tomorrow will be the "new day," and all of "this" will float away. But that did not happen.

I was so upset by the movie last year, I knew I had to let it go, because I could just keeping falling and falling apart. That was to be the precursor for so much of 2009. If I did not keep myself in check, and quite often, I was afraid that I would just keep falling and never be able to come back. I don't think I have ever experienced such overwhelming heartbreak and grief. It really is beyond my words. And I am alone in this journey for the most part, because most of those I know cannot comprehend the emotions I have for someone who they do not deem worth it. (And I cannot disagree with them in the practical sense..) It is beyond that though, it is the loss of the dream, my dream I dreamt a long time ago.

So it is almost funny that today I sat down to watch the movie again, and had no idea that it was exactly one year ago that I saw the movie, to the day. I watched it a bit differently this time, as now I have faced my demons of the life I did not really ever have, for what I was hiding from last December, I can no longer hide from. Not at all. It is all gone, it is over. So a bit of that unbearable strain, of not speaking as to not make it a reality, well that is no longer pulling on me. It is a reality for all to see now. But I still feel like I could lose myself in sorrow watching it, and just fall away, and again I cannot, as my daughter and her friend play, I just cannot fall away. Almost like a safety net I suppose.

Since seeing the movie last year, one of our two dogs died, and I was quite broken hearted..I knew his time was ending, he died when my husband was moving, which created heartbreak beyond belief. The other has held on, yet his time seems near, and it is so difficult that all of that is really not part of my life anymore, as he does not live with me, and there is no back and forth, I just cannot do it, it would be way too much for me, and I feel bad, as he must wonder about it all.

I still dream the dream that the movie holds for me. A really commited family life, a husband who is crazy about his wife and children and lives it all so fully. The dog...of course. And the writing, my dream job. Funny, but he and the movie inspired me so much to write (as I am sure it inspired so many.) Even if I never go anywhere, I believe I am leaving some sort of legacy as to who I am.

I guess the big difference between this day in 2009 and this day in 2008, is that I am on a path I am creating, and that I will carry myself through and forever long as I need to. I have lost an attachment that I never wanted to let go, and wish I could have back, but know it will never be. I am with that thought this day this year, and last year I was not ready to accept that, I could not, as I was afraid I might not survive it.

100

"I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy,
Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live."

Today is 100. 100 blogs running and stumbling along, across this virtual little world of mine, Finding Saratoga.

I don't even recall what my purpose was over one year ago when I decided to start a blog. Maybe that was the beauty of it. Somehow I was being led. I remember hearing the word "blog" for the first time, quite well. I was driving in Northern California to a sales appointment, and listening to one of my favorite talk show hosts ever, Ron Owens, and he was talking about blogs. I had no idea what it was. I wish it did not take me like 6 years to finally get one going, oh well. But I did get one going, and I have reached quite a milestone, I have written 100 blogs for your reading pleasure :) or maybe to save myself.

I did not know when I started it over one year ago, that it would somehow become some sort of savior to me, my little piece of the virtual world, a place for me to find me, or possibly lose me, as has often been the case, losing myself in despair and tears. But none the less I have held on, and asked myself to stay committed, who knows where it will all go, maybe nowhere, but I hope it is some sort of path, I really do.

When I was thinking the number "100" I could not help but think of the Five for Fighting song "100 Years." Funny, how we often think we know the words as we are singing..But I never knew the words "...The sea is high, And I'm heading into a crisis" maybe it is better I did not know..funny because that very well sums up my 44-45th year..and I am well aware that I am "..chasing the years of my life.." That line has always made me choke up. It is almost like I cannot spend too much time with that line, because it makes me so sad. While I am glad to be mostly unscathed from the life I have led the past 20 years, and I am lucky..but I also feel overwhelmed at times that the best of my times are behind me, rather the years I had to make the best of times, I let them fade and flounder and did not take my life seriously, the value of "me." Oh dear god, please don't let me cry again, I have come so far for quite some time now. But see, it is this thought, this mourning for what never was, and what has transpired before my eyes that I did not see, and now chasing down my life as I feel my youth is running so fast out the door, this, this is what still rocks me to my core. And I would really like to be with that thought, not that it will really get me anywhere..but the life we lead these days, with a self help book to solve every issue, a support group for every thought and action, it is almost not allowed to mourn for what society has deemed too long. But I do still mourn.

Steps

"There is no glimpse of the light without walking the path. You can't get it from anyone else, nor can you give it to anyone. Just take whatever steps seem easiest for you, and as you take a few steps it will be easier for you to take a few more.”~Peace Pilgrim

This happens to be a great quote to sum up my year. In the beginning of the year I felt totally in the dark, but did not know I was in the dark. I wondered why I felt so alone, so distraught, so sad, so wanting to run away, but to where? It was like I could not wake up. And yet I knew I was on some sort of path, that I had to stay whatever course I was mapping out for myself, because the course I was living was an absolute dead end, and it was going to kill my spirit. So I walked the path. No, I crawled the path. And wept along the path. It was by far the worst path in 45 years. But I had to do it, I had no choice. And that was clear. There was no option. I could not allow me to kill my spirit, to cheapen and lessen who I really was--hadn't I done that far too long?

I cannot really say it got any easier, but more so that I got used to it. It became my new reality, and in m a n y ways it is such a far superior reality to the one I was living. But no matter how many steps I take, it is not any easier to leave the life I wanted. It still sits with me, on my shoulder, a yearning that was never fulfilled, only in fantasy. And that is not any easier. I find myself still lost at any moment in it all. I was cleaning leaves, again, in the yard the other Sunday morning, and a light snow was falling, and my tears fell, almost as comfort in a way, for I was not so much sad, but just remembering so many feelings, it was in a way quite beautiful, in the still and quiet of the morning.

It is all part of the path. It only goes in one direction. I really have no idea where I am going, only what I am leaving behind.

Tiger Woods Take 3

Okay can I just say "barf" when Tigey says he is going to take a break from pro golf and work on his relationship with his wife and kids. Yeah right. Like suddenly he is going to be making pancakes for breakfast and changing diapers. It does not work that way. One is not a total sleaze one minute and Mr Clean Cut Husband and Dad the next..well I guess it did work for him, for a
l o n g time!! But that is over now, gone, kaput. There is no going back. Whatever he does now can never change what he did.

Beyond unbelievable. I mean the number is like 13 now..? And porn stars and hookers (so they say..) it is so bizarre. A total sex addict, clearly. NO regard for his wife. Like he had a total secret life..I am amazed it stayed secret that long..there must have been a lot of enablers in the pot, I mean, no ho ever came out to the press, wow, this was so hidden.

And now it is not. I hope he loses all his endorsements and his family. No I am not a mean cold hearted bitch, quite the opposite. But he made his bed, ugh what a term, so now he can sleep in it (with them..)

Please. I hope Elin runs the other direction and fast, and never turns back to turn into a pillar of salt. He cannot change, this is not a mistake, this is who he is. He is only sorry he got CAUGHT.
He makes Clinton and Spitzer and all the rest look like choir boys in comparison. Elin is young and beautiful, with her whole life ahead of her, please don't throw it away on Mr. Trash.

I know. I have been here. Certainly not in the celebrity light, but I do know. I feel for her. Really, you don't know when you are in it. It is so well hidden, the person becomes so adept at the lying and deception that you really believe it, because you are a trusting person. And..to go the other way, is to throw away the whole life you have just built with this person, and that is a daunting task..so you just don't see it, even though there might be subtle clues. She has 100% NOTHING to do with his SEX ADDICTION..he is the problem. She was just an innocent bystander who got sucked in. But if she stays..now she becomes his enabler. I hope while he hides out she figures out she has to make her escape now. Run. Don't look back.

Tiger the Narcissist

Weird. I don't know why it took me so long when the s**t hit the fan with the Tiger firestorm to put 2 and 2 together.........he is a total, 100% narcissist. Maybe when I heard something about his mom, about her knowing what was going on..I started to process it differently in my mind and then like a bolt from the blue,
N A R C I S S I S T popped in. Clear as a bell.

He is "special" in his mind. Rules do NOT apply to him (boy do I have experience with that trait with someone I know all too well.) and the list ..

Glibness/superficial charm
Grandiose sense of self-worth
Pathological lying
Cunning/manipulative
Lack of remorse or guilt
Shallow
Callous/lack of empathy
Failure to accept responsibility for own actions
AND incurably unfaithful--sex addiction and narcissism run hand in hand--they are connected!!

Yep these all now sum him up--don't know how I missed it, after all I have been through for 20 years in my own life, my radar should be sharper..

I think it was the sex part that finally got it for me--the "babes" just keep coming out of the woodwork--and unbelievably they all felt special to him. And his wife, I bet on some level, at least in the beginning she had no idea. Classic "look good/trophy wife" total narcissist trait. Looks like the clean cut family man, NOT.

This just reeks so much of narcissism that I can barely breathe. I am amazed he has gotten this far, I guess plenty of enabling going on. I love that he has so been caught. Yes maybe his career and endorsements might go on, maybe..but his wife, she should run in the other direction, FAST. She is way too young to throw her life away with him. He will NEVER change, it is who he is. The kids are young enough, leave now before they are used to the whole scene. He really only cares about himself, he is all that matters. Somewhere back in early childhood his parents created him like this, and there is no going back.

Failed Recipes

I feel like I am in my only little court room in my head and I really want to leave. Even though I have the email from me to prove my point, there is still, like in a cartoon, a little character who sits on my shoulder and bugs me, although I am getting better these days at knocking it away. I have been conditioned for so long to take some sort of blame for things and people, and the slightest accusation my way, when even sandwiched with something else, well, it is hard for me.

Couple that with all the emotions that come up with seeing and talking to "him" be it ever so brief, it still reaches to the very depths of me and throws me off my center so far, I have to catch myself before I start falling. I notice it is not immediate, almost like the survivor instinct kicks in, but later, later, it follows me.

Like a recipe, with so many ingredients needed to get it just right, that is how so much of life is with certain people floating around in it. A little too much here or not enough there, and the recipe, at least for that day or even small moment, does not come out.It is tough to have failed recipes, just sitting there on the table, with no one eager to jump in. I clearly had a recipe that did not come out, parts of it did I suppose, but as a whole, no.

It is a deep winter's day, and I want to be with it. I don't want to fall into the brief moment of yesterday, reminding me all over again what never was.

Tiger Woods

Okay this is almost unbelievable. Again, I don't know WHY I am always shocked!! This story, it is just TOO much.

I don't follow sports at all. I can name a handful of famous athletes, and could not tell you any stats about them. I think PRO sports figures are wayyyyy over rated, and wayyyyyyyyy overpaid, it is a sport for God's sake!! They are not curing diseases, or helping starving children, or anything else great. But whatever, they play a sport, and well, and society eats it up, and so do the sponsors! Again, all totally bizarre to me. And to totally go in a different direction, Serena or is it Venus (I really don't remember) has her name and image attached to a Tampax print ad, and I think, "Good God, don't you have like a zillion dollars!! Do you really want your name stuck with a tampon commercial?" Anyhow this is not about that...

Of course I know the name Tiger Woods. We all do. I knew he was a really good golfer, and a prodigy since like age 3. I knew he had a beautiful wife who gave him 2 cute kids. I thought he was some squeaky clean guy, a good guy. NO. None of my images seem to ever work out. Do we all feel this way--women at least?

I see the headlines the other day, and thought the car crash sounded weird, but whatever. I don't usually read The National Enquirer so I had no idea about the story that had broke. By the way, I think most of the stuff in there, for the most part, has some element of truth. Celebrities like to deny it up and down, but almost always there is something true about it. I look at the dope Rachel Uchitel, and think what a dope she is..trying so hard to be so important. I don't get how she is some jet setter flying into LAX and hiring Gloria Allred--did I miss something along the way. She denies, it yeah, whatever, maybe. Who knows. She looks like a Hollywood wannabe.

BUT, the story just keeps going. Today bright and early Jamie Grubbs hits the wires, (and she looks a lot like Rachel..they totally have that stupid reality show, 20 something, star look..) and she totally says they had an affair, was it 31 times or something, so funny to keep track!! And she has that desperate voice mail from him that they kept playing on Entertainment Tonight tonight, he sounds like some dumb high school guy. We just could not make this stuff up!! And he pretty much admits to it through a bunch of double talk on his website. Totally caught.

Now I just don't get it. Most people do get caught, at some point, accidentally or out in the open they get caught. Like it IS going to happen. BUT if you are a HUGE star, the whole planet knows who you are, then forget about it. And certainly not with some trampy ho, who has NO values and does not care at all about you or your family, only their own pathetic search for fame...and when you have a gorgeous wife at home, really!! And his wife was pregnant with his child when he is out cheating..I mean, again we cannot make this stuff up.

I am dumbfounded. I wonder when things will lose their shock value. I might be too old. Maybe for the younger gen out there, 35 and below, or 30 and below, nothing is shocking, in fact it is all totally normal. They live in a different reality. A reality show it seems.

He had it all. This might go away and be forgotten. I am not sure. I think he has fallen from grace.

Winter

As the darkest day of the year approaches, I find some comfort in it. As much as I love summer, and hot sunny days, I really am quite drawn to dark, and cold and misty days, with the feeling of snow in the air. It is not so much the image we have all become used to, the fun winter clothes, people smiling in their caps and scarves, and drinking hot drinks by the fire, candles all aglow, but almost more of an unobtainable reach, going back to something I miss, something I recognize.

Winter is the deep, dark, quiet season. Everything appears gone. I love the line in "The Rose"

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love, in the spring
Becomes the rose

Can I say I kind of feel like sleeping beauty these days. Sequestered away in a high castle, covered in thorns, deep asleep, waiting to be reborn. I am not sure if a handsome prince is coming or not, most days I don't think so, I am afraid those days may be gone for me, and I don't like to stay too long in those thoughts, because I find them very sad..but I am hopeful that something is coming for me. That this long sleep will be over.

And while I am and have been asleep waiting for quite some time, there is also another part of me that is vibrantly alive and awake and the depths of winter are within me and I welcome it. I love to think of a cold, quiet, white landscape, with so much silence, and as far as the eye can see there is only solitude. There are no worries there are no dangers, there are no lies. And there I see me floating amongst the white snow in my own little world.