One year ago I sat crying in a theater watching "Marley and Me." I had no idea the impact that the film would have on me in that moment in time. I really had no grasp, in real time, that my marriage and the life I knew was literally unraveling before my eyes. Quickly. The threads were like in fast forward, just undoing themselves so rapidly, that there was no fix. And yet, even so, I could not totally see it. Sounds so ridiculous. I suppose in the darkest hour there is always some false hope, that tomorrow will be the "new day," and all of "this" will float away. But that did not happen.
I was so upset by the movie last year, I knew I had to let it go, because I could just keeping falling and falling apart. That was to be the precursor for so much of 2009. If I did not keep myself in check, and quite often, I was afraid that I would just keep falling and never be able to come back. I don't think I have ever experienced such overwhelming heartbreak and grief. It really is beyond my words. And I am alone in this journey for the most part, because most of those I know cannot comprehend the emotions I have for someone who they do not deem worth it. (And I cannot disagree with them in the practical sense..) It is beyond that though, it is the loss of the dream, my dream I dreamt a long time ago.
So it is almost funny that today I sat down to watch the movie again, and had no idea that it was exactly one year ago that I saw the movie, to the day. I watched it a bit differently this time, as now I have faced my demons of the life I did not really ever have, for what I was hiding from last December, I can no longer hide from. Not at all. It is all gone, it is over. So a bit of that unbearable strain, of not speaking as to not make it a reality, well that is no longer pulling on me. It is a reality for all to see now. But I still feel like I could lose myself in sorrow watching it, and just fall away, and again I cannot, as my daughter and her friend play, I just cannot fall away. Almost like a safety net I suppose.
Since seeing the movie last year, one of our two dogs died, and I was quite broken hearted..I knew his time was ending, he died when my husband was moving, which created heartbreak beyond belief. The other has held on, yet his time seems near, and it is so difficult that all of that is really not part of my life anymore, as he does not live with me, and there is no back and forth, I just cannot do it, it would be way too much for me, and I feel bad, as he must wonder about it all.
I still dream the dream that the movie holds for me. A really commited family life, a husband who is crazy about his wife and children and lives it all so fully. The dog...of course. And the writing, my dream job. Funny, but he and the movie inspired me so much to write (as I am sure it inspired so many.) Even if I never go anywhere, I believe I am leaving some sort of legacy as to who I am.
I guess the big difference between this day in 2009 and this day in 2008, is that I am on a path I am creating, and that I will carry myself through and forever long as I need to. I have lost an attachment that I never wanted to let go, and wish I could have back, but know it will never be. I am with that thought this day this year, and last year I was not ready to accept that, I could not, as I was afraid I might not survive it.
I was so upset by the movie last year, I knew I had to let it go, because I could just keeping falling and falling apart. That was to be the precursor for so much of 2009. If I did not keep myself in check, and quite often, I was afraid that I would just keep falling and never be able to come back. I don't think I have ever experienced such overwhelming heartbreak and grief. It really is beyond my words. And I am alone in this journey for the most part, because most of those I know cannot comprehend the emotions I have for someone who they do not deem worth it. (And I cannot disagree with them in the practical sense..) It is beyond that though, it is the loss of the dream, my dream I dreamt a long time ago.
So it is almost funny that today I sat down to watch the movie again, and had no idea that it was exactly one year ago that I saw the movie, to the day. I watched it a bit differently this time, as now I have faced my demons of the life I did not really ever have, for what I was hiding from last December, I can no longer hide from. Not at all. It is all gone, it is over. So a bit of that unbearable strain, of not speaking as to not make it a reality, well that is no longer pulling on me. It is a reality for all to see now. But I still feel like I could lose myself in sorrow watching it, and just fall away, and again I cannot, as my daughter and her friend play, I just cannot fall away. Almost like a safety net I suppose.
Since seeing the movie last year, one of our two dogs died, and I was quite broken hearted..I knew his time was ending, he died when my husband was moving, which created heartbreak beyond belief. The other has held on, yet his time seems near, and it is so difficult that all of that is really not part of my life anymore, as he does not live with me, and there is no back and forth, I just cannot do it, it would be way too much for me, and I feel bad, as he must wonder about it all.
I still dream the dream that the movie holds for me. A really commited family life, a husband who is crazy about his wife and children and lives it all so fully. The dog...of course. And the writing, my dream job. Funny, but he and the movie inspired me so much to write (as I am sure it inspired so many.) Even if I never go anywhere, I believe I am leaving some sort of legacy as to who I am.
I guess the big difference between this day in 2009 and this day in 2008, is that I am on a path I am creating, and that I will carry myself through and forever long as I need to. I have lost an attachment that I never wanted to let go, and wish I could have back, but know it will never be. I am with that thought this day this year, and last year I was not ready to accept that, I could not, as I was afraid I might not survive it.
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