Love Alters Not

I just reread my last post and I like it so much. There is a certain peace when I read it and a groundedness that I have waited a long and lonely time for.

My fingers almost don't even want to type the words or thoughts for fear they will disappear before my eyes. I seem to always have that in the back of my mind. I can be left, and easily. However, I had a great 3rd and 4th date, almost back to back, and now this moves into the realm of exclusive because once intimacy starts there really is not room in my heart, head, morals, for more than one. And it is a huge bridge to cross, going from casual "whatever may be," to "what might this be?" That is just how my head works, I never was one to not fall in the fire.

There is a whole newness before my eyes again, like I am seeing the sparks of what could develop into great fondness and love (and again, I know me, these two things don't take long..) But it has been a long and lonely time since I saw that or even thought about it again, in a real sense. Mostly it has just been a heart ache of a lot of longing for what has left me, more so than what could be again. It seems in the darkest hour that there is no "new" there is no "future" because the present just goes on and on, and there is no joy to be found.

I don't know if my little spark I found in the world of match making might become a much larger fire. I know what I hope and think about, but I am trying to stay somewhat rational, in looking at the time table of things. There now has become the longing, when will I see you again, it is amazing how fast it zips in, like it has been just sitting there in the shadows waiting to be seen again. My life could be full again, and that prospect makes me happy. I see love like another form of art, and how I love loving someone. There really is nothing like it. Yet love that is not real, difficult, deceitful, always in motion never constant, never for sure, those parts I have felt, and those are not something to want. It just leaves the heart in a constant state of upheaval.

What I seek this time around, is a deep constant, unending love, that as Shakespeare says, "Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom."

First Date

I am happy to report that I did hear back :) Numerous times. I even had a real date last night. That would be my first date in 14 years. In a perfect world, I would say 16 years. Fifteen being married and one year now divorced and no dating. But there was the time 14 years ago when my husband left me (and then came back) so I had a few dates then, mistakes I should really call them. So, it is 14 years..Either way, that is a really long time. It must be really hard for people who have been married like 25, 30, 40 years and then go out..? It wasn't difficult though, in fact it was really fun. I feel like it may truly be one of the only real dates I have ever had. How sad is that? My friend and I talk about how going out for us way back when, with the guys we picked, used to be out drinking and S*X, not a real date, no real "let me plan a nice evening, let me treat you how your father would like to see you treated." No somehow I have pretty much missed that for the most part.

I feel like a novice in it all, but am beginning to see and even experience what I have read about, heard about, thought somehow I was not going to have. It sounds ridiculous, true, but somewhere along the line, and this is a long line ago, I just gave up on thinking someone would see my value. I guess I decided to go with "good enough." If I am honest, I have never really felt special for very long.
Writing that line is sad. I don't mean that in a "woe is me" sort of way, because I don't do "woe is me" but more in a very honest reflection of who I was and what I put out to the universe.

The good news is I feel like this last year I have been reborn, and not in the Christian way (don't get me started.) But somehow, in the fire that consumed me, and the tears that didn't put it out for a long time, I really did become like the phoenix and rose from the F*^%ing ashes, I really did. I love the old me so much, but I am not doing that trip on myself anymore. It is truly like some lightbulb went off, and I finally saw "what have I been doing with myself for 27 years?" (since I was 18..)

So I had like this real, grown up date. It was fun, but it was also really clean cut and respectful (my parents would really approve!) And it gave me a sense of peace that I have never really found, because I always jumped into some other mode that I found no peace with at all, but made myself crazy in the process--for years.

I have no idea where it will all go, as now I seem to be getting a lot of interest--is it just the heat of summer causing everyone to come out of the woodwork? I don't even know how to go out with more than one person (in a clean cut way) and then decipher and try to make a decision, no, no idea. But will see where it all goes.
I just know, for the first time, really ever, I don't seem to be losing myself. I am finally in charge of me. It was way too long of a road to get here, but at least I did.

Waiting

Well I just watched 2 hours of Sex and the City to find some kind of comfort. And. I. Did. Everytime I watch it I love it so much. There is so much that rings true for me.

I had a good "meet" last night--I might even go so far to say it was a great "meet."It had good energy, it was fun, there was chemistry, he was cute, he had smile that didn't quit and twinkling eyes. I told him so in my follow up note (I feel like I am doing sales here..) Anyhow, then the quiet. Did he even read it? Or did he read it and say "run." It was pretty simple, and least in my opinion. I have no real idea how to even follow up after a "meet" that I think goes well, let alone even go out on a real date. Nope, I have no idea. I just try to go with my hunches.

So now like all girls, since the beginning of time, I torture myself. Really. It is so crazy. He may never contact me again, he may never call. And after one email, one hour phone call, and a 2.5 hour meet, why should I even give it, let's say, 10 minutes of thought..but I do. It has always been that way for me. When I decide I like someone, well then I do.

I am SO very glad that I am leaving town for 3 days tomorrow, so I can put my head someplace else, and laugh and drink and forget my life here..and then, yeah then, he will call out of the blue..or not..

It makes me freak out more, that what if I dated him, and then in like 3 months he dumps me? I can barely stand one day of wondering. I just got over ending a 15 year marriage, and pretty much died doing it..so I so don't want to go down those roads again. I have always wondered--when two people decide they love each other, why can't that just be it? I used to wonder that about my husband..and then it wasn't.

So now I have myself a bit wrapped up in inventing a reality that doesn't even exist. Really, can I please have my own tv show.

I will let you know how it goes, you can count on it.