First Date

I am happy to report that I did hear back :) Numerous times. I even had a real date last night. That would be my first date in 14 years. In a perfect world, I would say 16 years. Fifteen being married and one year now divorced and no dating. But there was the time 14 years ago when my husband left me (and then came back) so I had a few dates then, mistakes I should really call them. So, it is 14 years..Either way, that is a really long time. It must be really hard for people who have been married like 25, 30, 40 years and then go out..? It wasn't difficult though, in fact it was really fun. I feel like it may truly be one of the only real dates I have ever had. How sad is that? My friend and I talk about how going out for us way back when, with the guys we picked, used to be out drinking and S*X, not a real date, no real "let me plan a nice evening, let me treat you how your father would like to see you treated." No somehow I have pretty much missed that for the most part.

I feel like a novice in it all, but am beginning to see and even experience what I have read about, heard about, thought somehow I was not going to have. It sounds ridiculous, true, but somewhere along the line, and this is a long line ago, I just gave up on thinking someone would see my value. I guess I decided to go with "good enough." If I am honest, I have never really felt special for very long.
Writing that line is sad. I don't mean that in a "woe is me" sort of way, because I don't do "woe is me" but more in a very honest reflection of who I was and what I put out to the universe.

The good news is I feel like this last year I have been reborn, and not in the Christian way (don't get me started.) But somehow, in the fire that consumed me, and the tears that didn't put it out for a long time, I really did become like the phoenix and rose from the F*^%ing ashes, I really did. I love the old me so much, but I am not doing that trip on myself anymore. It is truly like some lightbulb went off, and I finally saw "what have I been doing with myself for 27 years?" (since I was 18..)

So I had like this real, grown up date. It was fun, but it was also really clean cut and respectful (my parents would really approve!) And it gave me a sense of peace that I have never really found, because I always jumped into some other mode that I found no peace with at all, but made myself crazy in the process--for years.

I have no idea where it will all go, as now I seem to be getting a lot of interest--is it just the heat of summer causing everyone to come out of the woodwork? I don't even know how to go out with more than one person (in a clean cut way) and then decipher and try to make a decision, no, no idea. But will see where it all goes.
I just know, for the first time, really ever, I don't seem to be losing myself. I am finally in charge of me. It was way too long of a road to get here, but at least I did.