Diane

Today my very dear friend Diane passed away. Diane has lived with cancer for 9 years. It has been so long, it almost came to feel like Diane has just always had cancer. I got the call earlier this evening. It was just a week ago that the email was sent out that she had gone into hospice care. In my mind it seemed so much longer than that. I realize there is a part of me these days that loses all sense of time. It is like I entered the "Danna Dimension" and it is some separate world that I often live in and wonder where the path will lead. I feel I was too focused on myself this past week and did not even think to meditate on Diane. Why I so know she would forgive me, I really feel like I let my friendship with her down. Thank god, as I look back, that I was one who did write her a posting last week when I found out she was in hospice care, and told her how much I love to see her picture with my daughter and her daughter go across my screen all day, it made me feel like she is with me.

Diane was a very special friend to me. Do you know how friends meet so many different needs for us? Some we don't see or speak to that often, but every time we do, it is like not one second has passed, and they have not forgotten one thing about us and are right there again. That is who Diane is. I felt like I had this tremendous fan club with Diane. Years ago when my husband left the first time, it was Diane who was largely there for me. She used to have breakfast with me, back then I lived in Santa Cruz, and we would discuss my life and the way it was going. And she would pray for me and she would counsel me and she had this great gift of humor. And I used to have dinner at their house and went to church with her and her husband and sang wonderful church songs, and I felt taken care of. And then it seemed as quickly as he left, he came back, and Diane was a supporter. Like I said, she was always a fan for me.

And when our marriage ended this February and I wrote Diane, even in her midst of dying with cancer, she wrote me such a beautiful and heartfelt note, and once again, it was not like any time had passed. There was great comfort in being a friend of Diane's. I hope she will be one of my spirit guides, I would be so lucky.

So Diane is gone. It marks the end of an era for me. Of our daughters being young girls and friends and growing into beautiful young women, of my breakfasts with Diane trying to sort out my heart, of my own youth leaving me as we all march into new eras. Diane was one to treasure, with a huge smile and heart and a gift of laughter, I can still see her and hear her, and I am sure I always will.

Peace to my lovely friend, Diane.

Lilac Truffle

It is kind of fitting that this blog would follow the last one. The one which I ruminated about me being called boring. And I talked about shoes. Well there is nothing boring about these!

I went to the store tonight to find some cute black flat sandals. While scouting around, these jumped out at me. They were on sale :) They had my size (6.5) They fit perfectly! I felt 10 feet tall in them (they made me 5'10".) I thought they kind of had the "hooker look" but with me it always comes off as the "sweet hooker." A lady there who was loving the shoes on me, said they were very Sex and the City--I agreed. I knew they were not that practical, but they were unbelievably very comfortable. And did they ever call to me. I had to buy them, it was destiny. I told the sales girl I was in love and would marry them if I could. Wouldn't they look cute walking down the aisle to me? And the two (well 3 of us) together would never be bored!

Seems silly I know to go on and on about a pair of shoes and even how I would like to marry them. But when your life is somewhat upside down, and you strive to fit into the new "normal" that has been thrown upon you, sometimes all it takes is a pair of shoes to brighten your day.

I called my friend on my cell phone and told her I needed her to come out to her driveway when I drove up--just 3o seconds, she had to see something. So she did. She said if there ever was a shoe that had someone's name on it, these were it for me. She could not say enough (she always makes me feel fantastic) and she dubbed them Sex and the Harbor (we live in Gig Harbor) which was oh so funny. Me and my lilac platforms heading off to singledom in my town. I love the very picture of it. Me and my lilac shoes. I even bought some lilac cubic z earrings to complete my look.

Not sure where I will go with my lilac platforms and my lilac cubic zs, but I know they are nowhere near boring, and neither am I. He blew it.

Today was good.

Not Boring

I was told a few months ago "I am bored with you." And it did not mean with my conversation. Pretty tough thing to hear. And even though I don't want to give it any moment of my time it is hard to escape it as it rings in my ears.

Today I worked in my yard. I planted lots of flowers and trimmed plants and listened to my favorite music as I did, and my daughter and her friend laughed the afternoon away in the backyard playing with bubbles, and water, and pulling each other all over in the wagon on the green green grass. And I was happy. And I thought, "maybe this is quite boring." But I like it that way.

And as I worked away I caught myself thinking about the "old days" as someone would be driving up and my little picture would be complete. And he would probably think I was boring. But I would be happy. My life in my yard with the new planted flowers and children laughing and sprinklers running and the whole world that lies beyond the front door would be mine, all my moments would be complete. But there are no "old days" anymore, there is no one driving up, and if I am boring, I am boring all for myself.

And as I told my friend the other day, I love domestic work. Boring I guess. I even love to polish shoes. I loved as a kid watching my dad polish his shoes. He had this shoe shining kit, with a little wooden box, with a spot on the top to put the shoe and shine it up, and I used to love watching him and I looked forward to polishing my shoes. And I did. And then I polished the shoes in my marriage. Boring I guess.

And to make my day really exciting I cleaned the house after dinner, and vacuumed and mopped and dusted and listened to my music all the while, and I was happy. Boring I guess. And now my evening is ending with a blog entry about how boring I might be. But I don't think I am boring. I don't think I am boring in anything I do, even what he referred to. I am quite alive and someone else one day will not say "I am bored with you."

True Companion

This was an easy one to title. I left my counselor's office this evening after a very good meeting. I am comfortable being alone now in my life and yet would be lying if I did not say I miss my old life, whether it was an illusion or not, I miss my best friend, more than anything, that someone to talk to every day at day's end.

As I got in my car to come home, and turned on the radio, and heard a man talking about how happy he was in a relationship it sounded like he thought he would never find, I thought how sweet it sounded. Then a song followed. How many 1000s of songs are there out there? What are the odds that the song that was played was True Companion--the song from my wedding--the song I walked down the aisle to. I recall selecting that song for my wedding, when I was not even together with my then not yet husband, on yet another break up. That song was the song that would be in my wedding. And it was. And I loved it. And I still do. The last part sings about heaven, and how he will be out there waiting for his true companion. And that is the deep essence of how I feel right now. I thought it would be forever and I thought he would ALWAYS be my true companion. How amazing it is to feel something so profound with every part of your being. I thought he would always love me. Through it all, I thought I would be enough. And as quickly as the tears have left me for the past week, how quickly they come back.

How do I get past the visions of my wedding day that are so imprinted on my memory. How do I get past this song, and the song Wonderful World that we danced to. How do I put my wedding day and my marriage to rest... I am not sure if I know. I sit here in so much sadness as I write this, as I see how grieving goes in and out at the drop of a hat, and there is nothing we can do about it. I had my companion. I loved having my companion. And now I refit myself to a life alone for now and that is a tough thing to do. And not just anyone will do as a companion, and I am very clear on that. I would have to love them so much. And that may be a tough bridge to get across, because that will have to mean letting go of my husband and all my dreams and not loving him to the ends of the earth, and letting someone new be my True Companion. While I accept this, my heart has a hard time believing it. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all be the way I thought it was--that I could have it last forever. I wanted him to be my true companion.

Wreaths on the Door

I just finished Revolutionary Road. If there is ever a totally depressing book to read while in the middle of divorce, that is it!! All the characters are so totally sad, just someone not to want to be or know, yet pieces of them all exist in all of us I believe.

I guess where I am at right now, is that I don't want my life to be determined by my marriage, for me 2 so far, or their failure or their success, or anything else. And that seems almost impossible to do. It seems once one is married, there comes this total entanglement (I believe I have already written about karmic entanglement, which I have clearly had..) and the longer the marriage the longer the entanglement, and eventually so much of "you" is lost in an "us" no matter how much we try to not even make that so. It is just like this energy descends and overpowers the space you share and before long one cannot remember how they are single.

And yet at the same time, I am accutely aware how much I love to be married, how I love the term, how I love being a wife and I love the word "husband" and I love to say, "let me ask my husband" and all that that word holds in my heart and in society. And if you are fortunate, the world expands to "family" as you have your child or children, and now you are a much different "you" who you started out as. And hopefully a brighter and better version of "you" but I am not so sure anymore. I am not so sure if we all suffer while trying to be in a relationship that at the same time for many of us we hold it so close to our heart.

So I struggle with the idea of being single and having some sense of what I am about and living my life, and often now with a small smile on my face and yet at the same time adoring being married and a mother and knowing that in my little house on the street with the manicured lawn and flowers and the wreaths on the door with the shiny brass kick plates, is happily inside enjoying a family dinner or making plans. I struggle with how to not define myself with failed marriages and wish for something so much different, and at this very moment I have not felt this way for a couple of weeks, but maybe it is that book that somehow brought it back up. Or maybe it is talking to the lawyer again today, and as I say, "please help me get divorced" that sounds so tragic, like "let me die" as a patient might say to their doctor when on death's door.

There are just these feelings, these pieces of me, that float around through the air, looking to re -form and become again, as the life I had is swiftly falling away, and I would be lying if I said I am glad, but I would be lying if I did not say it has to be this way.

May 7

There are some dates on the calendar you just want to miss. May 7 is now one for me. Tomorrow marks the 15th wedding anniversary for me. I sit here staring at a screen, knowing this day would come and I would be faced with confronting it, because it is going to arrive no matter what. The reality is my husband has moved far past the date, it has NO meaning to him. It probably has NOT for years. That is the tough reality, and I have to get my arms around it. The date has had no significance to him, just another lie, another day to fake being in a marriage that had meaning, while there was a whole other life going on. So May 7 might still mean something to me, at this point more for meaning sake, I am not sure, but the other half of this union forgot that date a long time ago.

I am extremely troubled by society these days and the fall from morals and values. I never considered myself a "church lady." While I was aware of this "fall from standards" I just did not think about it near as much as I do now, now that it is so front and center in my own life. I am appauled by the behavior of grown up married people, sickened might be the better word. Infidelity is rampant, and now it is becoming more and more acceptable. I feel like somehow I missed the overwhelming vote of YES on infidelity--really where was I when that was happening.?? What happened to the time of my youth...or is it now just so boldly out there, there is no hiding from it. ..I was sickened, again that is the word, to find out the other day about a site called Ashley Madison--claiming, "Life is short, have an affair. "What does a person say to that. The site is all about married people looking for affairs. SICK. Who are these people that have no value in their marriage and their vows. Who willingly puts their PHOTO up on a site, celebrating their decision to cheat??? Why are they even married? Why get married, it has no significance anymore. The fact that a site like this exists is such a letdown to society and the bonds of marriage. It is heartbreaking. All the people participating have no value or values. YES I am spouting off my opinion. It floors me that this is out there. And I have lived it, unknowingly.

And there are so many other sites I am sure. Sites all over the internet, so many lonely souls searching for meaning in the word sex, it is really sad. This is what it has come to. These people seriously need a cause, a hobby, a kick in the ass, to have their life mean more than that. Single people, there are a lot of desperate ones, but at least they are single, I mean I cannot totally make them wrong...but married or those in a committed relationship..? I cannot even begin to give them one ounce of "okay" let alone those not in committed relationships opening up their lives to those who are, who say things like "I can host" meaning, "hey my place is great at noon, while your home, that encompasses your husband and children, and a life..that is off limits.."

Sure, people won't like this. I don't give a damn. I no longer am going to sit back and say "gee what they do is their own business." NO, I have now seen the depths of infidelity and will not sit back and say "each to their own. "It is wrong. If one is committed, then be committed. Why the hell not. There is so much value in the sacred relationship. There is NO value in cheating and sneaking around and ruining people's lives. Please. This ship has gone so far, what is the future?

So now May 7 will arrive. Man that was a good day for me. One of the best in my life. I adored the day, the significance, the man. All of it. But now May 7, will just become like May 12 or Sept 17, or whatever, the date will just slip away and have no meaning. Like all of this, it is tough to get ones arms around.