This was an easy one to title. I left my counselor's office this evening after a very good meeting. I am comfortable being alone now in my life and yet would be lying if I did not say I miss my old life, whether it was an illusion or not, I miss my best friend, more than anything, that someone to talk to every day at day's end.
As I got in my car to come home, and turned on the radio, and heard a man talking about how happy he was in a relationship it sounded like he thought he would never find, I thought how sweet it sounded. Then a song followed. How many 1000s of songs are there out there? What are the odds that the song that was played was True Companion--the song from my wedding--the song I walked down the aisle to. I recall selecting that song for my wedding, when I was not even together with my then not yet husband, on yet another break up. That song was the song that would be in my wedding. And it was. And I loved it. And I still do. The last part sings about heaven, and how he will be out there waiting for his true companion. And that is the deep essence of how I feel right now. I thought it would be forever and I thought he would ALWAYS be my true companion. How amazing it is to feel something so profound with every part of your being. I thought he would always love me. Through it all, I thought I would be enough. And as quickly as the tears have left me for the past week, how quickly they come back.
How do I get past the visions of my wedding day that are so imprinted on my memory. How do I get past this song, and the song Wonderful World that we danced to. How do I put my wedding day and my marriage to rest... I am not sure if I know. I sit here in so much sadness as I write this, as I see how grieving goes in and out at the drop of a hat, and there is nothing we can do about it. I had my companion. I loved having my companion. And now I refit myself to a life alone for now and that is a tough thing to do. And not just anyone will do as a companion, and I am very clear on that. I would have to love them so much. And that may be a tough bridge to get across, because that will have to mean letting go of my husband and all my dreams and not loving him to the ends of the earth, and letting someone new be my True Companion. While I accept this, my heart has a hard time believing it. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all be the way I thought it was--that I could have it last forever. I wanted him to be my true companion.
As I got in my car to come home, and turned on the radio, and heard a man talking about how happy he was in a relationship it sounded like he thought he would never find, I thought how sweet it sounded. Then a song followed. How many 1000s of songs are there out there? What are the odds that the song that was played was True Companion--the song from my wedding--the song I walked down the aisle to. I recall selecting that song for my wedding, when I was not even together with my then not yet husband, on yet another break up. That song was the song that would be in my wedding. And it was. And I loved it. And I still do. The last part sings about heaven, and how he will be out there waiting for his true companion. And that is the deep essence of how I feel right now. I thought it would be forever and I thought he would ALWAYS be my true companion. How amazing it is to feel something so profound with every part of your being. I thought he would always love me. Through it all, I thought I would be enough. And as quickly as the tears have left me for the past week, how quickly they come back.
How do I get past the visions of my wedding day that are so imprinted on my memory. How do I get past this song, and the song Wonderful World that we danced to. How do I put my wedding day and my marriage to rest... I am not sure if I know. I sit here in so much sadness as I write this, as I see how grieving goes in and out at the drop of a hat, and there is nothing we can do about it. I had my companion. I loved having my companion. And now I refit myself to a life alone for now and that is a tough thing to do. And not just anyone will do as a companion, and I am very clear on that. I would have to love them so much. And that may be a tough bridge to get across, because that will have to mean letting go of my husband and all my dreams and not loving him to the ends of the earth, and letting someone new be my True Companion. While I accept this, my heart has a hard time believing it. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all be the way I thought it was--that I could have it last forever. I wanted him to be my true companion.
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