I just finished Revolutionary Road. If there is ever a totally depressing book to read while in the middle of divorce, that is it!! All the characters are so totally sad, just someone not to want to be or know, yet pieces of them all exist in all of us I believe.
I guess where I am at right now, is that I don't want my life to be determined by my marriage, for me 2 so far, or their failure or their success, or anything else. And that seems almost impossible to do. It seems once one is married, there comes this total entanglement (I believe I have already written about karmic entanglement, which I have clearly had..) and the longer the marriage the longer the entanglement, and eventually so much of "you" is lost in an "us" no matter how much we try to not even make that so. It is just like this energy descends and overpowers the space you share and before long one cannot remember how they are single.
And yet at the same time, I am accutely aware how much I love to be married, how I love the term, how I love being a wife and I love the word "husband" and I love to say, "let me ask my husband" and all that that word holds in my heart and in society. And if you are fortunate, the world expands to "family" as you have your child or children, and now you are a much different "you" who you started out as. And hopefully a brighter and better version of "you" but I am not so sure anymore. I am not so sure if we all suffer while trying to be in a relationship that at the same time for many of us we hold it so close to our heart.
So I struggle with the idea of being single and having some sense of what I am about and living my life, and often now with a small smile on my face and yet at the same time adoring being married and a mother and knowing that in my little house on the street with the manicured lawn and flowers and the wreaths on the door with the shiny brass kick plates, is happily inside enjoying a family dinner or making plans. I struggle with how to not define myself with failed marriages and wish for something so much different, and at this very moment I have not felt this way for a couple of weeks, but maybe it is that book that somehow brought it back up. Or maybe it is talking to the lawyer again today, and as I say, "please help me get divorced" that sounds so tragic, like "let me die" as a patient might say to their doctor when on death's door.
There are just these feelings, these pieces of me, that float around through the air, looking to re -form and become again, as the life I had is swiftly falling away, and I would be lying if I said I am glad, but I would be lying if I did not say it has to be this way.
I guess where I am at right now, is that I don't want my life to be determined by my marriage, for me 2 so far, or their failure or their success, or anything else. And that seems almost impossible to do. It seems once one is married, there comes this total entanglement (I believe I have already written about karmic entanglement, which I have clearly had..) and the longer the marriage the longer the entanglement, and eventually so much of "you" is lost in an "us" no matter how much we try to not even make that so. It is just like this energy descends and overpowers the space you share and before long one cannot remember how they are single.
And yet at the same time, I am accutely aware how much I love to be married, how I love the term, how I love being a wife and I love the word "husband" and I love to say, "let me ask my husband" and all that that word holds in my heart and in society. And if you are fortunate, the world expands to "family" as you have your child or children, and now you are a much different "you" who you started out as. And hopefully a brighter and better version of "you" but I am not so sure anymore. I am not so sure if we all suffer while trying to be in a relationship that at the same time for many of us we hold it so close to our heart.
So I struggle with the idea of being single and having some sense of what I am about and living my life, and often now with a small smile on my face and yet at the same time adoring being married and a mother and knowing that in my little house on the street with the manicured lawn and flowers and the wreaths on the door with the shiny brass kick plates, is happily inside enjoying a family dinner or making plans. I struggle with how to not define myself with failed marriages and wish for something so much different, and at this very moment I have not felt this way for a couple of weeks, but maybe it is that book that somehow brought it back up. Or maybe it is talking to the lawyer again today, and as I say, "please help me get divorced" that sounds so tragic, like "let me die" as a patient might say to their doctor when on death's door.
There are just these feelings, these pieces of me, that float around through the air, looking to re -form and become again, as the life I had is swiftly falling away, and I would be lying if I said I am glad, but I would be lying if I did not say it has to be this way.
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