I have missed my blog. I have been so awash in grief and uncertainty that there have been days I can barely get through. I should have been blogging, it would be good to look back on and see my steps, but I could not, it was like another door had shut on me. There was no access to me.
The other day I thought about my breakup of my marriage and my divorce that is just waiting out there, and felt like I had booked a wonderful trip to Europe but somewhere in route ended up in a third world country on the street, alone and afraid. How did my plans get so changed? But I suppose that I am in that third world country right now on the street, and alone and afraid, so I may as well start walking and see what I come to. Maybe around a corner, or somewhere down the road there will be something astounding that I had not expected. One thing for sure, the trip to Europe has been cancelled, not rescheduled, cancelled.
I have felt like a ghost in my own life, floating through the days. It is totally surreal to me and there is no safety zone, at any moment, anything could totally disrupt me and cause me to fall apart, if only inside, or at least until I am back to the safety of my 4 walls. Every day is different than the one before, but not in a good way but more so in a way that is completely undependable and without instructions on how to handle.
I am just rambling tonight as I am exhausted from the past few weeks of turning a huge ship around and taking a course that I really have no idea where it is going. What a terribly unsettling feeling. And the world goes on. No one really stops for you, they cannot.
In the midst of it all, one of our dogs died. His death to me was such a metaphor for our life, ending in its final days, in pain, slowly slipping away, but the end was right there, staring at one in the face. He may have died at the end of it all from his own broken heart beyond being old and sick and feeble. He left his brother behind who is now alone and lonely and I am sure so confused about it all, having moved away from his home.
And the snow and the rain just keep coming and winter seems to be endless this year, and there is a part of me that does not want it to end, does not want to see long sunny beautiful days, as I feel I will have to use them and be part of them, where with winter it is so much easier to hide.
I search for meaning, am looking for new paths, and read the other day that sometimes we cannot live without someone, but that we have to let them go anyway, and that is how I feel, and what a tough thought that is, I can hardly get my arms around it.
The other day I thought about my breakup of my marriage and my divorce that is just waiting out there, and felt like I had booked a wonderful trip to Europe but somewhere in route ended up in a third world country on the street, alone and afraid. How did my plans get so changed? But I suppose that I am in that third world country right now on the street, and alone and afraid, so I may as well start walking and see what I come to. Maybe around a corner, or somewhere down the road there will be something astounding that I had not expected. One thing for sure, the trip to Europe has been cancelled, not rescheduled, cancelled.
I have felt like a ghost in my own life, floating through the days. It is totally surreal to me and there is no safety zone, at any moment, anything could totally disrupt me and cause me to fall apart, if only inside, or at least until I am back to the safety of my 4 walls. Every day is different than the one before, but not in a good way but more so in a way that is completely undependable and without instructions on how to handle.
I am just rambling tonight as I am exhausted from the past few weeks of turning a huge ship around and taking a course that I really have no idea where it is going. What a terribly unsettling feeling. And the world goes on. No one really stops for you, they cannot.
In the midst of it all, one of our dogs died. His death to me was such a metaphor for our life, ending in its final days, in pain, slowly slipping away, but the end was right there, staring at one in the face. He may have died at the end of it all from his own broken heart beyond being old and sick and feeble. He left his brother behind who is now alone and lonely and I am sure so confused about it all, having moved away from his home.
And the snow and the rain just keep coming and winter seems to be endless this year, and there is a part of me that does not want it to end, does not want to see long sunny beautiful days, as I feel I will have to use them and be part of them, where with winter it is so much easier to hide.
I search for meaning, am looking for new paths, and read the other day that sometimes we cannot live without someone, but that we have to let them go anyway, and that is how I feel, and what a tough thought that is, I can hardly get my arms around it.
No comments:
Post a Comment