As I walk down a road I do not know, I find myself looking for answers every step of the way. Like a sense of security in each step, I need some kind of answer. Funny, I don't even remember the last time I was like this--it probably was 13 years ago. There is such a sense of peace when one is not looking for answers down an unknown road. How quickly we forget when we are back on course--it is like that awful, crap, pot hole ridden, meandering road with no end, just falls away, and we know we will never see that road again..or so we (I) have hoped for so long. I did not think I could bear to be on that wretched road again. And here I am.
So I found myself at the book store, looking for answers. In a nice locked up case, are all the Tarot Cards. I am drawn strongly to them. My daughter and I look them over, and agree on the Mystic Faerie Tarot, they look gentle and sweet and answers I would want.
Last night I picked just one card, just to give it a whirl. I did not shuffle them, just drew a card. I got 5 of Cups. The Mourning Card. My god, how is this possible, what are the odds? Huge I guess, considering I am picking from a Tarot card deck. The card is a beautiful fragile mermaid, who holds in her head in her hands and she sobs in grief. The card acknowledged my loss in a relationship and while mourning is necessary, not to stay there too long. I think mourning is tough for me. So I put it away, and went on to have dream filled sleep of my loss.
Tonight I thought I would read a bit more, and learned there is the Past, Present and Future reading--the one I had did with one card is also a reading (I had no idea.) So this time I really shuffled the cards, and cut them, and then drew 3 at total random and spread them out--
the one on the left for Past, the middle for the Present and the right for Future. Behold, if I was not a believer yet, the Present card I pulled is AGAIN the 5 of Cups. I cannot believe this. I have spent this whole day in mourning, as I worked for hours in the yard and listened to so much music and cried as I worked in a lovely garden, and noticed how I continually feel like a ghost in my own life.
The Past card was the Four of Pentacles, which is a lovely card, with a faerie sitting admiring her harvest. The card says she cannot remember being so happy in her life. The is clearly the truth. I remember so clearly being happy. Knowing that sad road was done. I did not have to follow it anymore, so lost. It said to gather your bounty and plan for the future. To keep enough for lean times. To be grateful for my bounty. I believe I was. Except for the past couple of years, I remember being happy. Not every second, but I remember being so glad to be done with heartbreak.
My Future card was the Star. It is about serenity and peace. She is water, and refreshes and renews and gives hope. She guides us and her powers are endless. Whatever has been trying your spirit,what difficulties you have faced, whatever sadness has torn your heart, the Star brings a place to be refreshed and find hope. She will serve as your guiding star to help you find your way. But first, rest.
My Future card is unbelievable. Like the hand of god has just reached down. As I prayed this morning for direction and comfort, in the quiet of my alter space, as I seek something I don't currently have, I feel this card is a sign for me. And as my Present card has stated, stay as you must in mourning , but do not live there. And as I write this, and hang my head in my hands, not even realizing just now that I look like the mermaid on the card, I know I cannot live in mourning, but I am not ready to go. It is overwhelming and so beyond what I could have ever imagined that I would feel. Like 20 years are just crushing down on me, surrounding me on all sides, crashing again and again, like waves I cannot escape, barely able to swim through. I ask over and over, why was I not enough? Why could I not make it work? These are the things that torment me. I know I have said it before, but I so wanted this to work, with everything I have, it is so hard to not be able to live without someone, and yet you must.
So I found myself at the book store, looking for answers. In a nice locked up case, are all the Tarot Cards. I am drawn strongly to them. My daughter and I look them over, and agree on the Mystic Faerie Tarot, they look gentle and sweet and answers I would want.
Last night I picked just one card, just to give it a whirl. I did not shuffle them, just drew a card. I got 5 of Cups. The Mourning Card. My god, how is this possible, what are the odds? Huge I guess, considering I am picking from a Tarot card deck. The card is a beautiful fragile mermaid, who holds in her head in her hands and she sobs in grief. The card acknowledged my loss in a relationship and while mourning is necessary, not to stay there too long. I think mourning is tough for me. So I put it away, and went on to have dream filled sleep of my loss.
Tonight I thought I would read a bit more, and learned there is the Past, Present and Future reading--the one I had did with one card is also a reading (I had no idea.) So this time I really shuffled the cards, and cut them, and then drew 3 at total random and spread them out--
the one on the left for Past, the middle for the Present and the right for Future. Behold, if I was not a believer yet, the Present card I pulled is AGAIN the 5 of Cups. I cannot believe this. I have spent this whole day in mourning, as I worked for hours in the yard and listened to so much music and cried as I worked in a lovely garden, and noticed how I continually feel like a ghost in my own life.
The Past card was the Four of Pentacles, which is a lovely card, with a faerie sitting admiring her harvest. The card says she cannot remember being so happy in her life. The is clearly the truth. I remember so clearly being happy. Knowing that sad road was done. I did not have to follow it anymore, so lost. It said to gather your bounty and plan for the future. To keep enough for lean times. To be grateful for my bounty. I believe I was. Except for the past couple of years, I remember being happy. Not every second, but I remember being so glad to be done with heartbreak.
My Future card was the Star. It is about serenity and peace. She is water, and refreshes and renews and gives hope. She guides us and her powers are endless. Whatever has been trying your spirit,what difficulties you have faced, whatever sadness has torn your heart, the Star brings a place to be refreshed and find hope. She will serve as your guiding star to help you find your way. But first, rest.
My Future card is unbelievable. Like the hand of god has just reached down. As I prayed this morning for direction and comfort, in the quiet of my alter space, as I seek something I don't currently have, I feel this card is a sign for me. And as my Present card has stated, stay as you must in mourning , but do not live there. And as I write this, and hang my head in my hands, not even realizing just now that I look like the mermaid on the card, I know I cannot live in mourning, but I am not ready to go. It is overwhelming and so beyond what I could have ever imagined that I would feel. Like 20 years are just crushing down on me, surrounding me on all sides, crashing again and again, like waves I cannot escape, barely able to swim through. I ask over and over, why was I not enough? Why could I not make it work? These are the things that torment me. I know I have said it before, but I so wanted this to work, with everything I have, it is so hard to not be able to live without someone, and yet you must.
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