I have not cried so much lately, and it has been a welcome relief. But as I cry a bit now, I resent having red puffy eyes again, and it is like a whole other thing to deal with.
This past week may have been the most brutal of my life. I found things out, that I would never in my most wildest thoughts imagined. It was like being steamrolled. I could barely get to sleep the first night. I felt there was “no place to go.” Tears were not the answer. I just could not escape me and the information I had discovered.
You think you know someone, at least you hope what you knew or believed was pretty close and then you are so blown out of the water that you cannot even catch your breath.
Beyond people you cannot live without, but must let them go, there is also learning things you did not know but must find out, and that pretty much sums up last week.
And while I have been so blown away by it all and angry on some level, but also have had to remove myself from the picture without really falling apart, there is now a part blending in a bit that truly has been let down, betrayed to the highest level, and I have to say it is a pretty tough cross to bear. I wonder how someone who “loves” someone and stood up and took vows, could so crush that person, so crush them, beyond what even seems possible.
But I realized that vengeance does not serve me, it just takes me down a path I do not want to go. It almost becomes like an addiction which is so not what I want to continue to have over someone. I realize I must let so many things go. I must let them go. I must realize it is not about me, but it is a pretty hard pill to swallow. I am overwhelmed again, maybe just so much reality is so much for me, and processing it all and still keeping myself in high regard and moving towards the future, it is a lot. As I may have written before, my sister in law wrote me that people are such disappointments and she is so right. It is just so hard to get past it all. To have reality or just an illusion so crushed, like a snow globe just being crushed on the sidewalk in a million pieces, it is a lot for the human heart to handle. But we all must keep going, what else is there to do.
This past week may have been the most brutal of my life. I found things out, that I would never in my most wildest thoughts imagined. It was like being steamrolled. I could barely get to sleep the first night. I felt there was “no place to go.” Tears were not the answer. I just could not escape me and the information I had discovered.
You think you know someone, at least you hope what you knew or believed was pretty close and then you are so blown out of the water that you cannot even catch your breath.
Beyond people you cannot live without, but must let them go, there is also learning things you did not know but must find out, and that pretty much sums up last week.
And while I have been so blown away by it all and angry on some level, but also have had to remove myself from the picture without really falling apart, there is now a part blending in a bit that truly has been let down, betrayed to the highest level, and I have to say it is a pretty tough cross to bear. I wonder how someone who “loves” someone and stood up and took vows, could so crush that person, so crush them, beyond what even seems possible.
But I realized that vengeance does not serve me, it just takes me down a path I do not want to go. It almost becomes like an addiction which is so not what I want to continue to have over someone. I realize I must let so many things go. I must let them go. I must realize it is not about me, but it is a pretty hard pill to swallow. I am overwhelmed again, maybe just so much reality is so much for me, and processing it all and still keeping myself in high regard and moving towards the future, it is a lot. As I may have written before, my sister in law wrote me that people are such disappointments and she is so right. It is just so hard to get past it all. To have reality or just an illusion so crushed, like a snow globe just being crushed on the sidewalk in a million pieces, it is a lot for the human heart to handle. But we all must keep going, what else is there to do.
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