I feel compelled to write because the month is now over, and I have been faltering on writing, as I often don't have the words or courage to even put something down. But I don't want the month to pass without getting at least 4 entries written, as if to almost adhere to a simple goal to keep my sanity.
Where am I at? The words "I adored him and I was a good wife" ring through my ears, as my counselor told me she has heard me say this more than once. She is right. I am not sure which one I want to emphasize more. Tough call. But if a gun was held to my head, I guess I would go with "I adored him." How did I. To depths I cannot even comprehend. And it does not matter.
And I am left with that, like standing at the edge of a cliff, with the only choice to jump off, and leave it all behind. And I was a good wife. How I loved being a wife. Love it. Love the idea of being a "wife" love being someone's wife, so much. To love, honor, and cherish, until death do us part--I love those vows.
While I am quite independent and don't need a guy to take care of me, at the same time I love being part of a union, a sacred partnership, the words husband and wife portray--although there are millions of husbands and wives, each relationship is unique and special unto itself, and how I loved being part of that. Now I am alone, utterly alone in a relationship with myself, and while every single self help book and well meaning person says how important and wonderful it is to have a relationship with yourself, love yourself, and on and on and on..let's be honest, we live in a world of couples, and almost all single people are looking or hoping that they one day again will be a couple, really, it is the truth. For the most part, very few people just want to be with themself. Are we indoctrinated into this by society, or is it a deep yearning we are all born with? I can tell myself I am pretty, successful, funny, sexy, whatever, all I want, but having a partner tell me that will have 10x the weight it will if I tell myself that, it is just the way it is. So now I am alone. I yearn for my best friend.
Again, perhaps all just an illusion for so long, but does it matter, I don't know. It was my reality, and the lines between what is real to us and what is real can be quite blurred. The mind might indeed get it and everyone else sees it, but the emotional heart is always behind, like the student always a chapter or two behind, and that is the tough part. I can say all I want that I am past all of it, but it would be a lie.
Where am I at? The words "I adored him and I was a good wife" ring through my ears, as my counselor told me she has heard me say this more than once. She is right. I am not sure which one I want to emphasize more. Tough call. But if a gun was held to my head, I guess I would go with "I adored him." How did I. To depths I cannot even comprehend. And it does not matter.
And I am left with that, like standing at the edge of a cliff, with the only choice to jump off, and leave it all behind. And I was a good wife. How I loved being a wife. Love it. Love the idea of being a "wife" love being someone's wife, so much. To love, honor, and cherish, until death do us part--I love those vows.
While I am quite independent and don't need a guy to take care of me, at the same time I love being part of a union, a sacred partnership, the words husband and wife portray--although there are millions of husbands and wives, each relationship is unique and special unto itself, and how I loved being part of that. Now I am alone, utterly alone in a relationship with myself, and while every single self help book and well meaning person says how important and wonderful it is to have a relationship with yourself, love yourself, and on and on and on..let's be honest, we live in a world of couples, and almost all single people are looking or hoping that they one day again will be a couple, really, it is the truth. For the most part, very few people just want to be with themself. Are we indoctrinated into this by society, or is it a deep yearning we are all born with? I can tell myself I am pretty, successful, funny, sexy, whatever, all I want, but having a partner tell me that will have 10x the weight it will if I tell myself that, it is just the way it is. So now I am alone. I yearn for my best friend.
Again, perhaps all just an illusion for so long, but does it matter, I don't know. It was my reality, and the lines between what is real to us and what is real can be quite blurred. The mind might indeed get it and everyone else sees it, but the emotional heart is always behind, like the student always a chapter or two behind, and that is the tough part. I can say all I want that I am past all of it, but it would be a lie.
No comments:
Post a Comment