I sit here and stare at the screen. Like the mother tells the 2 year old "use your words," I find myself saying that to me. But I am overwhelmed these days of what words to choose. The other day I was outside doing some yardwork, and listening to music in my ears. I was suddenly overtaken by sorrow, just struck down, and I found myself on my knees on my patio in search of solace, as I felt my life had just passed me by, like a bus driving by that I did not catch in time. I could see myself there on the patio, and I felt sad for me. I had to go inside to catch my breath, and I was able to find my way back. I realized I am still in grief, but now I am grieving for a life I thought I had, but never really did (before I was grieving for a life I had (but did not know I did not have..if that makes sense.) So grief just engulfs me these days. It is so hard to be almost 45 and feel like life has not turned out. I cannot escape the legacy I have created for myself, or was created, whatever, it does not matter. I wish it was like school, and I could do some extra credit, and raise my grade, and erase the old grade. But not so in life. No matter what I do, I now have this legacy I do not want, that I cannot never get rid of. I have a legacy for my two children about their mom, that I do not want them to have, and it really bothers me.
If I go on to write a best seller, run a marathon, scale a mountain, make tons of money and live the life in a tropical paradise that I have always envisioned..I would give it all up, IF I could just have the life I thought I had, just have it work, not even perfectly. If I could just be with the one I loved, so much, if it was real, that is what I would do. I hate the idea of putting so much time, and effort and trust and love into something, to have it never work out, basically blow apart in a million pieces in my face, and just be nothing. This is hard for me.
I am very envious of all the married people I know, who are making it through. Who are creating these amazing legacies for themselves and their children. Who are standing the test of time. I don't want to be a 2x divorced woman of 44, I don't want that. I don't want to start over. I want what I thought I had, and see that it was all an illusion and it makes it so hard to deal with on so many levels. It just leaves me feeling so alone and lost and failing. There is just no way around these feelings. I am alone on this path, it is my lonely path for now. I am open to it leading to brighter days, but at the moment find it hard to imagine not being stuck in failure on so many levels. I never wanted to be a member of people in their 40s getting divorced.
If I go on to write a best seller, run a marathon, scale a mountain, make tons of money and live the life in a tropical paradise that I have always envisioned..I would give it all up, IF I could just have the life I thought I had, just have it work, not even perfectly. If I could just be with the one I loved, so much, if it was real, that is what I would do. I hate the idea of putting so much time, and effort and trust and love into something, to have it never work out, basically blow apart in a million pieces in my face, and just be nothing. This is hard for me.
I am very envious of all the married people I know, who are making it through. Who are creating these amazing legacies for themselves and their children. Who are standing the test of time. I don't want to be a 2x divorced woman of 44, I don't want that. I don't want to start over. I want what I thought I had, and see that it was all an illusion and it makes it so hard to deal with on so many levels. It just leaves me feeling so alone and lost and failing. There is just no way around these feelings. I am alone on this path, it is my lonely path for now. I am open to it leading to brighter days, but at the moment find it hard to imagine not being stuck in failure on so many levels. I never wanted to be a member of people in their 40s getting divorced.
No comments:
Post a Comment