I read the other day, that if everything is good in your life, be grateful, because one day it will change. If everything is bad in your life, don't despair, because one day it will change. The cycle of life I suppose. But it seems that we are only programmed and able to really accept the good times. Those are "the" times. The times that are painful, and stumbling and all encompassing grief, are times we are not really trained for. It is like everything just falls apart. Things don't fall apart when life is good. It is only when we start to fall, that we begin to fall apart, and then seemingly cannot catch ourselves and we keep falling. It seems that after the amazing amount of time man has roamed this earth, that we would cope better. People generally don't seek guidance and counseling and support when their lives are great, but watch out when their lives are going bad--they cannot find enough support, looking anywhere they can--I know this too well. .
As I write this, I see dozens of photos go across the screen on my other computer. So many of me, smiling away. These are all happy times. It is so easy when things are good. The smiles just leap from your lips. You don't need to think ahead of what will make you happy, how to side step difficult subjects, how to make it through, because there is nothing you are hiding from. But watch out when things fall apart. The day will stretch on for an endless amount of time, you will yearn for sleep and quiet and steer clear of social settings that might expose you, might expose the sadness that lives just underneath the facade of the happy face to make it through the day. The tears that will spill over if the slightest memory is invoked in the simplest conversation.
It is like this section of a trail, that is endless, with nothing to do but walk. The first part was brutal, rugged, one could barely breathe. Then it opened up to nothingness. There just is this trail, endless, and there is no way back, only forward. That is where I am at these days. I often feel lost in thought, thoughts that do not serve me or help me, but spring up all over the place. I live in kind of a place of past memories and present upset with no future around the corner. Just this endless trail. It is hard to know unless one has been on a trail like this. Even though I have, it is not like I resort back to my "survivor training." It is like doing it all over again for the first time. The mind seems to forget these things as quickly as they are over. It is like we are all alone with ourself. Helpful guides do pop up along the trail if we seek them, and they are useful, so loving and helpful, but as the day fades and the next one starts, the guides too have their own trails to attend to. At some point every day, the trail must be walked alone.
As I write this, I see dozens of photos go across the screen on my other computer. So many of me, smiling away. These are all happy times. It is so easy when things are good. The smiles just leap from your lips. You don't need to think ahead of what will make you happy, how to side step difficult subjects, how to make it through, because there is nothing you are hiding from. But watch out when things fall apart. The day will stretch on for an endless amount of time, you will yearn for sleep and quiet and steer clear of social settings that might expose you, might expose the sadness that lives just underneath the facade of the happy face to make it through the day. The tears that will spill over if the slightest memory is invoked in the simplest conversation.
It is like this section of a trail, that is endless, with nothing to do but walk. The first part was brutal, rugged, one could barely breathe. Then it opened up to nothingness. There just is this trail, endless, and there is no way back, only forward. That is where I am at these days. I often feel lost in thought, thoughts that do not serve me or help me, but spring up all over the place. I live in kind of a place of past memories and present upset with no future around the corner. Just this endless trail. It is hard to know unless one has been on a trail like this. Even though I have, it is not like I resort back to my "survivor training." It is like doing it all over again for the first time. The mind seems to forget these things as quickly as they are over. It is like we are all alone with ourself. Helpful guides do pop up along the trail if we seek them, and they are useful, so loving and helpful, but as the day fades and the next one starts, the guides too have their own trails to attend to. At some point every day, the trail must be walked alone.
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