Today I went to see my attorney, as I sort through the various legal documents on the road to divorce. It is like this meeting each week that I just don't want to go to, because I don't want to face reality, face the music. I keep thinking I am in some sort of unending dream and one day it will be over, but one day never comes.
As part of the paperwork, she has her clients write "The Story of My Marriage." She told me today it was clear as she read it, that Evan is the love of my life. Like this amazing ton of bricks, I just broke into tears. I had not even expected to cry in the office today. But it is such a truthful statement, there is just no denying it. And again I was face to face with a reality that is no more, that just does not matter, that will not be, and I have nowhere to go with it, but just to look at it, cry and let it be.
It is quite a powerful thing to have a love of your life. That is not a title easily given to someone. I don't think anyone earns it though, if we had to earn that, most of us would never get such a title. It just has to be felt by the other person. And once the title is bestowed, somewhat like not having to earn it, it is equally as hard to take it away. The mind might want to rip it away, but the heart continues to hold on, like a total separate entity, living in another reality. I do believe in more than one Love of Your Life. I guess letting one go is a hard thing to do. But it does happen. I guess I was the love of my husband's life. At least I think I was. I did not often feel day to day as important as I would like, but I also cannot say that I did not feel loved. Maybe it was all an illusion, but none the less, it felt real to me. As the song True Companion was sung at my wedding, I always believed I would be with Evan forever, looking for him in heaven one day. As we danced to What a Wonderful World I don't think I could have been more happy than I was in those moments. I loved him to pieces.
Oh I know, one should just get on with the process of divorce. Stop with memories, the heart stuff that just crushes. I agree on some level. But to deny it, is just a lie, and fooling myself.
"It is clear, he is the love of your life" just sits in my ears. I knew it, but hearing it aloud was like a statement I could just not avoid. It makes the whole thing of ending this so much harder for me. I so wanted to age with him. I just had this vision, like the song 100 years. Maybe I live too much in a unrealistic world, full of hope and dreams, and then sometimes tempered by reality and I cannot juggle both. I don't know. 20 years. The love of my life. Gone. Almost in the blink of an eye. I feel so forgotten.
As part of the paperwork, she has her clients write "The Story of My Marriage." She told me today it was clear as she read it, that Evan is the love of my life. Like this amazing ton of bricks, I just broke into tears. I had not even expected to cry in the office today. But it is such a truthful statement, there is just no denying it. And again I was face to face with a reality that is no more, that just does not matter, that will not be, and I have nowhere to go with it, but just to look at it, cry and let it be.
It is quite a powerful thing to have a love of your life. That is not a title easily given to someone. I don't think anyone earns it though, if we had to earn that, most of us would never get such a title. It just has to be felt by the other person. And once the title is bestowed, somewhat like not having to earn it, it is equally as hard to take it away. The mind might want to rip it away, but the heart continues to hold on, like a total separate entity, living in another reality. I do believe in more than one Love of Your Life. I guess letting one go is a hard thing to do. But it does happen. I guess I was the love of my husband's life. At least I think I was. I did not often feel day to day as important as I would like, but I also cannot say that I did not feel loved. Maybe it was all an illusion, but none the less, it felt real to me. As the song True Companion was sung at my wedding, I always believed I would be with Evan forever, looking for him in heaven one day. As we danced to What a Wonderful World I don't think I could have been more happy than I was in those moments. I loved him to pieces.
Oh I know, one should just get on with the process of divorce. Stop with memories, the heart stuff that just crushes. I agree on some level. But to deny it, is just a lie, and fooling myself.
"It is clear, he is the love of your life" just sits in my ears. I knew it, but hearing it aloud was like a statement I could just not avoid. It makes the whole thing of ending this so much harder for me. I so wanted to age with him. I just had this vision, like the song 100 years. Maybe I live too much in a unrealistic world, full of hope and dreams, and then sometimes tempered by reality and I cannot juggle both. I don't know. 20 years. The love of my life. Gone. Almost in the blink of an eye. I feel so forgotten.
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