I am bummed, because I have had a goal to write 10 blogs a month. Should be so easy to do. Sit down and write something. I often have so many thoughts swirling in my head, I could write 10 blogs in one day. And sometimes I have nothing to say. And yet, there is sometimes just this inability to write anything. I remember last year when I first separated from my husband, I found it almost painful for my senses. I did not want to wear perfume. Food had no taste. I did not listen to music. It was like I could not extend myself past my inner frame--it was if I would just fall apart. And I suppose that is what holds me back from writing sometimes, frankly, I just can't.
I don't know what happened to April. It started off kind of good, but then seemed to relapse, like a drinker, and fall further behind. Like I was right back in the center of it all.
Yesterday I could not find a building I was going to for a meeting for work. I mean it was ridiculous. It was like the more I tried the worse it got--totally mirroring my emotions lately. There I sat, practically driving in circles (hmm..that sounds familiar, living in a circle..) I would bang my steering wheel and yell " I F%^&ing hate this! I hate all of this." And there I was, like a very funny character, really, in a sitcom. Because to say I am tragic just makes it all so worthless, I just have to make myself appear funny. Really it was. Later, I drove back and found the damn building.
But that has been my month. Not able to find the building I am looking for, and crying out in total frustration. Stuck in my own prison. There must be some answer for me, but I don't really believe in "answers" anymore, I just don't think life is that simple, and at the same time I do.Maybe there really are no questions for me to figure out/so I don't need an answer.
I don't know. I have been awash in grief this month, crying so much last weekend. Feeling like some odd ghost walking around a shopping mall, feeling like a dish rag, hoping no one would talk to me, for fear I would fall to pieces at their feet. Wanting so much to connect back to my past, and knowing at the same time I can't, and wondering how to really make that bridge in my mind.Death of another dog, the complete ending of an era.
I don't even think anymore, "this month will be different." Hell tomorrow is May Day, it symbolizes new starts, birth, the May Pole. My wedding centered around that theme. I had a May Pole with ribbons on the front of my wedding invitation, and one of my favorite poems from Rilke inside, with my favorite line, "and what violinist hold us in his hands, o sweetest of songs." Maybe there never was a violinist. I don't believe there is one now.
I don't know what happened to April. It started off kind of good, but then seemed to relapse, like a drinker, and fall further behind. Like I was right back in the center of it all.
Yesterday I could not find a building I was going to for a meeting for work. I mean it was ridiculous. It was like the more I tried the worse it got--totally mirroring my emotions lately. There I sat, practically driving in circles (hmm..that sounds familiar, living in a circle..) I would bang my steering wheel and yell " I F%^&ing hate this! I hate all of this." And there I was, like a very funny character, really, in a sitcom. Because to say I am tragic just makes it all so worthless, I just have to make myself appear funny. Really it was. Later, I drove back and found the damn building.
But that has been my month. Not able to find the building I am looking for, and crying out in total frustration. Stuck in my own prison. There must be some answer for me, but I don't really believe in "answers" anymore, I just don't think life is that simple, and at the same time I do.Maybe there really are no questions for me to figure out/so I don't need an answer.
I don't know. I have been awash in grief this month, crying so much last weekend. Feeling like some odd ghost walking around a shopping mall, feeling like a dish rag, hoping no one would talk to me, for fear I would fall to pieces at their feet. Wanting so much to connect back to my past, and knowing at the same time I can't, and wondering how to really make that bridge in my mind.Death of another dog, the complete ending of an era.
I don't even think anymore, "this month will be different." Hell tomorrow is May Day, it symbolizes new starts, birth, the May Pole. My wedding centered around that theme. I had a May Pole with ribbons on the front of my wedding invitation, and one of my favorite poems from Rilke inside, with my favorite line, "and what violinist hold us in his hands, o sweetest of songs." Maybe there never was a violinist. I don't believe there is one now.
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