As I drove back from Oregon late Saturday afternoon, I found myself in a bit of a question. I still do while I write this. Actually every time I stop writing, I put my hands to a "prayer pose" as if to contain myself, as if to hold onto myself. Strange sounding I know.
So much went on in my head Friday night but oh so much later, and still now. Funny how that happens. Like a garden growing, each day more and more things sprout up, things you forgot you planted. Or like all my perennials coming back each day now..every time I look out the window I swear more plants are there. I forgot, in the barren cold days of winter, what was there.
It has been a long time. I have been so in love with one person for so very long. And I loved being that and knowing that (however much was just an illusion, as I have said before.) There was so much ensconced in the love and the action of being in love. It was like a garden that was all planted, and yet, kept growing with new plants. There was a certain knowing that even if I did not water it enough, it would not fade away. (again so much of this existed in a separate world that I grew to live in my mind, in order to make it all work, it was complicated..)
And then, with seemingly little notice, the garden died. And it was ugly. I did not want to look out the window anymore.
On Friday night, I entered a new time and space, well kind of. When you are married, if it has meaning, it is pure monogamy. I only dated my husband, and I loved doing just that. But I am not married anymore. So there I was on somewhat of a date. A situation I never expected to be in, nor even wanted to, way back when, on a day in May when I spoke vows that put me way up into the clouds. It is hard to move one self from one dimension to another, because to me they seem only mere moments, one to the next, even though they are many many years apart.
Maybe I created the text messages that came my way. Maybe I sent out vibes to the universe and in rolled the person I cannot forget. Crazy. But. True. Timing. Is. Odd.
There was a hand on the small of my back, more often that I expected. It really never even entered into my head that I have no idea how to go out, when there is a part of me that still feels married. The hand on the small of my back is what I remember most. It was sweet and oddly difficult at the same time. Because it is not the hand the small of my back remembers. And I felt unfaithful.
On the surface I felt no sadness on this evening, I felt fine. But now that I have had some time to think about it all, and there is a complicated swirl going on in my head. I feel I am between two worlds.
So much went on in my head Friday night but oh so much later, and still now. Funny how that happens. Like a garden growing, each day more and more things sprout up, things you forgot you planted. Or like all my perennials coming back each day now..every time I look out the window I swear more plants are there. I forgot, in the barren cold days of winter, what was there.
It has been a long time. I have been so in love with one person for so very long. And I loved being that and knowing that (however much was just an illusion, as I have said before.) There was so much ensconced in the love and the action of being in love. It was like a garden that was all planted, and yet, kept growing with new plants. There was a certain knowing that even if I did not water it enough, it would not fade away. (again so much of this existed in a separate world that I grew to live in my mind, in order to make it all work, it was complicated..)
And then, with seemingly little notice, the garden died. And it was ugly. I did not want to look out the window anymore.
On Friday night, I entered a new time and space, well kind of. When you are married, if it has meaning, it is pure monogamy. I only dated my husband, and I loved doing just that. But I am not married anymore. So there I was on somewhat of a date. A situation I never expected to be in, nor even wanted to, way back when, on a day in May when I spoke vows that put me way up into the clouds. It is hard to move one self from one dimension to another, because to me they seem only mere moments, one to the next, even though they are many many years apart.
Maybe I created the text messages that came my way. Maybe I sent out vibes to the universe and in rolled the person I cannot forget. Crazy. But. True. Timing. Is. Odd.
There was a hand on the small of my back, more often that I expected. It really never even entered into my head that I have no idea how to go out, when there is a part of me that still feels married. The hand on the small of my back is what I remember most. It was sweet and oddly difficult at the same time. Because it is not the hand the small of my back remembers. And I felt unfaithful.
On the surface I felt no sadness on this evening, I felt fine. But now that I have had some time to think about it all, and there is a complicated swirl going on in my head. I feel I am between two worlds.
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