It is funny, sometimes there is just this blank screen staring at me. With the faintest hum of the laptop to lull me into hypnosis. I could just stare at the screen.
Sometimes I have things to say, I might even think of myself like Scarecrow, who said he could think great thoughts (after getting his brain..) there have been a few great thoughts here and there. But mostly I go in and out of a lot of thoughts and feelings this past year or so.
Some are good, and I welcome them. But they are often fleeting, as if I cannot sustain them. Others are sad, they torment me, but luckily they leave, at some point. I never know when they will strike. Like yesterday I wondered how I would go to the bus stop in the afternoon, when 10 minutes before, I was crying in my bathroom. And I could not, because it was a timinig thing. So I had to kind of just stuff the tears. Tears over the same person, for unfilled dreams and just a nothingness I am left with, that I stare out to, that I cannot explain or escape.
I have been amazed this past year how hard it is to wrap my arms around it all, and I can only say over and over it is complicated. And in between my good thoughts and my sad thoughts, are just an endless stream of staying in the moment, because I am too afraid to look at the future, because I really don't see anything, except the hope one day to sort of run away. Sad isn't it. That is what it has come to.
The present is just what it is, I don't get excited about it. The past, that is what has fueled all of this, this murky mud puddle that I don't seem to ever get out of.
Oh I don't want to paint this falling apart 40 something, first off, because it is just too depressing, but more than that, it is not the show that is running every day. It is almost like all 3 thoughts play rotating parts on the stage, all day long.
Most people find me quite funny, organized, "together" as one friend said today, and I almost fell off my chair. Good lord, am I viewed as together??I told her I once consulted a psychic named Reality Freedom and she found that amusing, as she said she loves my stories. I guess I am more funny than I might even know. Perhaps my whole adult life should just become one large sitcom. We really cannot take ourselves too seriously. And there I go, switching out my sad thoughts, for just being in the moment.
I wish I wrote everyday. I should. Sometimes I just cannot even summon up the will to put a thought down. Sometimes I don't write, just as anger to myself, to get out of this F*#$ing circle I move around in. It should be easy, shouldn't it? I agree.
Sometimes I have things to say, I might even think of myself like Scarecrow, who said he could think great thoughts (after getting his brain..) there have been a few great thoughts here and there. But mostly I go in and out of a lot of thoughts and feelings this past year or so.
Some are good, and I welcome them. But they are often fleeting, as if I cannot sustain them. Others are sad, they torment me, but luckily they leave, at some point. I never know when they will strike. Like yesterday I wondered how I would go to the bus stop in the afternoon, when 10 minutes before, I was crying in my bathroom. And I could not, because it was a timinig thing. So I had to kind of just stuff the tears. Tears over the same person, for unfilled dreams and just a nothingness I am left with, that I stare out to, that I cannot explain or escape.
I have been amazed this past year how hard it is to wrap my arms around it all, and I can only say over and over it is complicated. And in between my good thoughts and my sad thoughts, are just an endless stream of staying in the moment, because I am too afraid to look at the future, because I really don't see anything, except the hope one day to sort of run away. Sad isn't it. That is what it has come to.
The present is just what it is, I don't get excited about it. The past, that is what has fueled all of this, this murky mud puddle that I don't seem to ever get out of.
Oh I don't want to paint this falling apart 40 something, first off, because it is just too depressing, but more than that, it is not the show that is running every day. It is almost like all 3 thoughts play rotating parts on the stage, all day long.
Most people find me quite funny, organized, "together" as one friend said today, and I almost fell off my chair. Good lord, am I viewed as together??I told her I once consulted a psychic named Reality Freedom and she found that amusing, as she said she loves my stories. I guess I am more funny than I might even know. Perhaps my whole adult life should just become one large sitcom. We really cannot take ourselves too seriously. And there I go, switching out my sad thoughts, for just being in the moment.
I wish I wrote everyday. I should. Sometimes I just cannot even summon up the will to put a thought down. Sometimes I don't write, just as anger to myself, to get out of this F*#$ing circle I move around in. It should be easy, shouldn't it? I agree.
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