I remember picking up my daughter at elementary school 15 years ago, and hearing the news story of the Oklahoma bombing. It was a beautiful day in Santa Cruz, California, I remember that well. I had just made my trek down from Bonny Doon (a home I would come to hate..) which was a 1 hour round trip to pick up my daughter. I did not mind the drive though. But that news, it was like something you look at and think "what do I do with this?" It was like this amazing, gaping, open wound that just came right through the radio.
Fifteen years ago was a good time for me. I was married for almost 1 year, to the love of my life.I thought. My life worked. I thought. Oh I know I have said this a 100 times,maybe more..but that is what I remember ..I was happy in my life back then. I was only 30 and had so much ahead of me.
But it really doesn't matter. Recently I wrote that in an email, it just does not matter what I say to the other party these days..that is kind of a tough thing to be with..I guess because I want so much for everything to have meaning, to matter, but if there is one thing I have learned this past year, sometimes that is not true. There can end up being just a big black whole of nothingness.
It was a strange dance all those years. Like a "normal" wife, I would get annoyed or upset and show it, in my actions and my face. But it did not matter, imagine that. I mean as far as getting any kind of movement or agreement or anything. What I got was some sort of dismal, quiet anger, a score chart was kept that I was not even aware of. It was always used against me, it became reasons for behaviors. So I often crumbled and acquiesced--that was the only option that made it sort of work. I just did not get it then, it was like some bizarre reality I never could figure out.
These two thoughts don't really connect. An awful, hearbreaking event in Oklahoma and the slow death of my marriage. Just as the mind works though, they weave back into each other.
For the first time, in I don't know..my whole adult life, I actually feel in control of my life. I love the phrase "take your power back" and often say that now, to myself or to others. I love having a real backbone. I love not having to second guess me--if I think something is odd, not moral, twisted, wrong, illegal, evil, whatever, I can just say it is, and not have to do some sort of weird equation in my head to come up with a different answer. Nope. Now I go with what I know.
Fifteen years ago was a good time for me. I was married for almost 1 year, to the love of my life.I thought. My life worked. I thought. Oh I know I have said this a 100 times,maybe more..but that is what I remember ..I was happy in my life back then. I was only 30 and had so much ahead of me.
But it really doesn't matter. Recently I wrote that in an email, it just does not matter what I say to the other party these days..that is kind of a tough thing to be with..I guess because I want so much for everything to have meaning, to matter, but if there is one thing I have learned this past year, sometimes that is not true. There can end up being just a big black whole of nothingness.
It was a strange dance all those years. Like a "normal" wife, I would get annoyed or upset and show it, in my actions and my face. But it did not matter, imagine that. I mean as far as getting any kind of movement or agreement or anything. What I got was some sort of dismal, quiet anger, a score chart was kept that I was not even aware of. It was always used against me, it became reasons for behaviors. So I often crumbled and acquiesced--that was the only option that made it sort of work. I just did not get it then, it was like some bizarre reality I never could figure out.
These two thoughts don't really connect. An awful, hearbreaking event in Oklahoma and the slow death of my marriage. Just as the mind works though, they weave back into each other.
For the first time, in I don't know..my whole adult life, I actually feel in control of my life. I love the phrase "take your power back" and often say that now, to myself or to others. I love having a real backbone. I love not having to second guess me--if I think something is odd, not moral, twisted, wrong, illegal, evil, whatever, I can just say it is, and not have to do some sort of weird equation in my head to come up with a different answer. Nope. Now I go with what I know.
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