I am pretty much at a loss of what to say this month. I am just living in my circle. It gets a little bigger but it is still a circle. I said today, "my life is a series of mistakes." It really is. You know how people say, when one door closes a window opens, or everything happens for a reason, or one day you will look back on this...and on and on..And it sounds like wow, one day, when I am all grown up, I will really be on my way, and this will be all a distant memory. Maybe that is truly how it works for some people. Maybe some people don't live their lives in a series of mistakes. I can say, for me, all my mistakes have not led me to the promised land. Actually, I feel like I am in prison. And I really feel like that lately. All I did was trade one prison for another. I chose the less of two evils. Now I am in a pretty nice prison, don't get me wrong, but yet I really have no life I would design.
I realized again lately that my dream is dead. It is not possible to recreate it. I do NOT want a blended family. I don't want to start all over again at 45. I am not sure how to proceed with my future, when I am living a life I would not pick. I wish I could just sell everything, and travel for like a year, and just forget who I am and what I am up to. Not to sound trite, but why can't I be like Eat, Pray, Love. Hell, she was only married 1x, she did not have children, she was only in her 3os..she had it good. I don't see why she needed a year to get her head together. She really is someone who could have just moved on. As far as I can tell her life was not a series of mistakes. I feel old, too old to really start again. The prospect of it, the real prospect, is that I am going to get so many complications in my life that I do NOT want, and yet what is the alternative. And that is the million dollar question. For me, right now, it is to change things up dramatically. I don't want to "fix" the life I have here, I want a whole different one. Where no one really knows me. It would not be perfect and it might still be somewhat of a prison, but a bigger prison, with a much larger yard to exercise in.
I never thought 30 years ago, when I really did believe my life was going to be good, I did not think one day I would view my life as prison. All by my choices, my series of mistakes. I wish I had been watching my life, instead to quote a song, I was watching my life go by. And now I just feel like it is too big a ship in the harbor to turn around.
I realized again lately that my dream is dead. It is not possible to recreate it. I do NOT want a blended family. I don't want to start all over again at 45. I am not sure how to proceed with my future, when I am living a life I would not pick. I wish I could just sell everything, and travel for like a year, and just forget who I am and what I am up to. Not to sound trite, but why can't I be like Eat, Pray, Love. Hell, she was only married 1x, she did not have children, she was only in her 3os..she had it good. I don't see why she needed a year to get her head together. She really is someone who could have just moved on. As far as I can tell her life was not a series of mistakes. I feel old, too old to really start again. The prospect of it, the real prospect, is that I am going to get so many complications in my life that I do NOT want, and yet what is the alternative. And that is the million dollar question. For me, right now, it is to change things up dramatically. I don't want to "fix" the life I have here, I want a whole different one. Where no one really knows me. It would not be perfect and it might still be somewhat of a prison, but a bigger prison, with a much larger yard to exercise in.
I never thought 30 years ago, when I really did believe my life was going to be good, I did not think one day I would view my life as prison. All by my choices, my series of mistakes. I wish I had been watching my life, instead to quote a song, I was watching my life go by. And now I just feel like it is too big a ship in the harbor to turn around.
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