What Could Have Been

When things don't work out, for the thousands of reasons (?) that float around, whatever the ones we are given or give, I do believe like with death, at some point acceptance walks down the street and we walk along with it. Like this amazing human condition we all share, what else can we do..? But I do believe accepting something ending is far easier than the thought of "what if it now works out with someone else. What if they meet someone new, and all the things I know are THEIR problems, the reason for such failure, suddenly all fall away, or don't matter, or whatever, and now they go on to have some glorious relationship with someone else?" That is a thought that burdens me. Because after so many years of wanting it to work, trying to make it work, so much time and effort and investment, to not have it work out is such a huge loss. Do most people worry about such a thing, or do they just totally move on and not give a flying f about what happens anyway. This is the h a r d e s t concept for me, that after all "this" whatever the hell it has been, beyond some bizarre facade, that "this" will by some miracle become a work of art in another dimension, and I will sit here with the wind knocked out.

I am looking at my checklist for grief
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
and I really feel like I have worked through this list, like some annoying "to do" list, that cannot be done quickly or even rationally.

Yeah, see, this is why I prefer death. Then I would not have to wrap my arms around these thoughts, because there would be nothing to worry about, unless I want to concern myself about him meeting someone in the afterlife and then it all works out great, and as I type that I actually can see me thinking that! I thought last weekend about how right now if I died, I have no true companion to meet in the hereafter--I just have 4 women I knew, waiting for me. I don't want to be some spinster for eternity, that really bums me out. I know, you might be totally laughing right now or at least shaking your head, saying "oh my god, this is bizarre.." Maybe one day I will have the true gift of not c a r i n g what happens to my recently departed.. I just won't give a damn. Maybe that is true acceptance.