Seems like a good word for the day. "I got the call today, I didn't want to hear.." reminds me of the words of the Don Henley song from the late 80s. I knew when my attorney's number showed up on caller ID today that they were calling to tell me the divorce papers had been filed, and that it was final. I could not pick up the phone, I had to call back. Meaning well she said "Congratulations" but that was the furthest thing from my mind.
I have so many emotions going on, but happy is not one of them. I feel broken hearted, disappointed, failed, so sad, almost in disbelief. All the memories of 20 years packaged into a typed document that gets filed in a drawer in a courthouse and it is all over. I have no thoughts of running around and telling everyone, I don't want any happy hugs or high fives, or celebrating. I don't want to say anything. I just kind of want it to quietly drift off out to sea and never be seen again, a message in a bottle that will never reach its destination.
And as I say a few times over tonight with my counselor, I do NOT want to be in this group, the over 40 group divorced. I don't want any of the life I am now leading and feel incredibly stuck. I wish I could take this computer and the desk it is on and throw it out the window and fly away to some other place where this is all a memory that I cannot access. But I cannot. I am stuck at this dumb computer on this desk looking at this screen and wondering how this became my life.
I don't really feel any different today that I did 6 months ago. Maybe the cries are less desperate and less often, maybe the feelings are just deeper down, but there is no sudden joy that has sprung up in me and certainly this news has only left me like a gate blowing hopelessly in the wind on a cold winter's day, never quite latching shut, all alone.
And yet there is this connection I feel that does not go away, almost is like a torture to my soul, that just hovers around and swoops down at any time, with no warning, and I find myself so sad and wondering when these days will be gone, and I might barely remember them. Even that thought, although somewhat comforting is also so very sad.
I have so many emotions going on, but happy is not one of them. I feel broken hearted, disappointed, failed, so sad, almost in disbelief. All the memories of 20 years packaged into a typed document that gets filed in a drawer in a courthouse and it is all over. I have no thoughts of running around and telling everyone, I don't want any happy hugs or high fives, or celebrating. I don't want to say anything. I just kind of want it to quietly drift off out to sea and never be seen again, a message in a bottle that will never reach its destination.
And as I say a few times over tonight with my counselor, I do NOT want to be in this group, the over 40 group divorced. I don't want any of the life I am now leading and feel incredibly stuck. I wish I could take this computer and the desk it is on and throw it out the window and fly away to some other place where this is all a memory that I cannot access. But I cannot. I am stuck at this dumb computer on this desk looking at this screen and wondering how this became my life.
I don't really feel any different today that I did 6 months ago. Maybe the cries are less desperate and less often, maybe the feelings are just deeper down, but there is no sudden joy that has sprung up in me and certainly this news has only left me like a gate blowing hopelessly in the wind on a cold winter's day, never quite latching shut, all alone.
And yet there is this connection I feel that does not go away, almost is like a torture to my soul, that just hovers around and swoops down at any time, with no warning, and I find myself so sad and wondering when these days will be gone, and I might barely remember them. Even that thought, although somewhat comforting is also so very sad.
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