You know how some people are all jacked up about their birthday? And they always have a party, and everyone attends, and they get great gifts..and they love every age, and have all kinds of great platitudes to say??Yeah, we all know these people, and good for them. I am not one.
I am on the eve of turning 45. Considering 44 was the very worst year of my life, I almost assume 45 has got to go up, but you know, I really just don't think that way anymore. It could be worse than my 44th year, it really could. Grave, awful things could happen, and make this past year pale in comparison. But for now, for blogging sake, I will say my 44th year has been the worst year of my life, hands down. It was like the perfect storm for life falling apart, all happening at the same time, just a huge crash. And yet while I believe I have chosen the lesser of two evils, for there really was no clear winning choice, I don't feel any great win, any "wow, watch out world.." hardly..I mostly feel sad, lost, old would be a good word, very, oh what is the word...disillusioned, like I don't even know what my life has now been about, let alone where it is supposed to go.
And while I do appreciate, I really do, the rallying cries of the fans, to dream, to achieve great new things, my life is just starting, and on and on, I don't really go for those tidbits anymore, those are meant for the un disillusioned (if that is even a word) for the dreamy out there, who think there is some great thing right around the corner, sorry, I don't really know if I believe that anymore. I do believe life is a series of choices--for those of us lucky enough to have choices...as I have grown to see, the majority of the world really has no choice--some stupid greeting card telling them how to dream and achieve big things, really has NO relevance in their mostly awful lives, that they have very little hope of changing..but that is a whole other story..but for those of us lucky enough to make choices, I see that choices are what runs or ruins our lives... I did this. I hoped and hoped and tried and tried to make my choice work out, because I wanted it SO bad, and could not bear it failing, but in the end, it failed, it failed so much, and now I am left to sift through the fall out of my life, at 45.
Can I just say, can I feel sorry for myself for one small minute, and say while I am glad I am not 60, and lost 30 great years of my life, I am on the other hand so sad that I am 45 and lost 15 great years of my life, what I consider at this point to have had the potential to be the best years of my life, and in moments or days, or even years, they were the best years of my life. And now I face a future that I don't see as the best years of my life anymore, and I feel old and alone and very intrepid about reinventing myself. I wish I could just hide out and make very very small choices. So forgive me, I wish I was a person all excited about my birthday and singing from the roof tops how great my "new life" is going to be, and how I am just going to be the brightest yet..and feeling the pressure that I should feel like that is the worst part of all.
So those are my thoughts on turning 45. Maybe next year when I turn 46, there will have been some miracle that I chose, and I will be one of those people ringing in my new year with a party and guests and great gifts, I just don't make plans anymore.
I am on the eve of turning 45. Considering 44 was the very worst year of my life, I almost assume 45 has got to go up, but you know, I really just don't think that way anymore. It could be worse than my 44th year, it really could. Grave, awful things could happen, and make this past year pale in comparison. But for now, for blogging sake, I will say my 44th year has been the worst year of my life, hands down. It was like the perfect storm for life falling apart, all happening at the same time, just a huge crash. And yet while I believe I have chosen the lesser of two evils, for there really was no clear winning choice, I don't feel any great win, any "wow, watch out world.." hardly..I mostly feel sad, lost, old would be a good word, very, oh what is the word...disillusioned, like I don't even know what my life has now been about, let alone where it is supposed to go.
And while I do appreciate, I really do, the rallying cries of the fans, to dream, to achieve great new things, my life is just starting, and on and on, I don't really go for those tidbits anymore, those are meant for the un disillusioned (if that is even a word) for the dreamy out there, who think there is some great thing right around the corner, sorry, I don't really know if I believe that anymore. I do believe life is a series of choices--for those of us lucky enough to have choices...as I have grown to see, the majority of the world really has no choice--some stupid greeting card telling them how to dream and achieve big things, really has NO relevance in their mostly awful lives, that they have very little hope of changing..but that is a whole other story..but for those of us lucky enough to make choices, I see that choices are what runs or ruins our lives... I did this. I hoped and hoped and tried and tried to make my choice work out, because I wanted it SO bad, and could not bear it failing, but in the end, it failed, it failed so much, and now I am left to sift through the fall out of my life, at 45.
Can I just say, can I feel sorry for myself for one small minute, and say while I am glad I am not 60, and lost 30 great years of my life, I am on the other hand so sad that I am 45 and lost 15 great years of my life, what I consider at this point to have had the potential to be the best years of my life, and in moments or days, or even years, they were the best years of my life. And now I face a future that I don't see as the best years of my life anymore, and I feel old and alone and very intrepid about reinventing myself. I wish I could just hide out and make very very small choices. So forgive me, I wish I was a person all excited about my birthday and singing from the roof tops how great my "new life" is going to be, and how I am just going to be the brightest yet..and feeling the pressure that I should feel like that is the worst part of all.
So those are my thoughts on turning 45. Maybe next year when I turn 46, there will have been some miracle that I chose, and I will be one of those people ringing in my new year with a party and guests and great gifts, I just don't make plans anymore.
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