I wrote my friend a quick email today after talking to her today. Do you know what it is like after you have a conversation, and you think back that maybe you should not have said this or that, or went on too much about something,etc..That was me today...I almost shy away from conversations, because if I am honest, I am often found saying things about my life, that I don't want to say, like words in a cartoon bubble, now that are floating around and I cannot take them back.
So when I wrote her a quick note, I told her I lived in an illusion and now I am disillusioned, and realized I am not sure if I had strung those two words together yet. I have lived in an illusion for y e a r s. I don't know if I knew, maybe on some level, and tried h a r d e r and h a r d e r to keep that illusion going, for without it, then I just poof into a fine mist of unreality. I really really do feel like I am waking up, every day, like I cannot escape "waking up" and it is really difficult to examine my illusion without the rose colored glasses I wore for so long.
So now I am disillusioned. I went from a lovely illusion I created, to an ugly dis illusion, one I don't want. Now I know I have referenced Sex and the City before, but there was a line in an episode I recently watched as well, and Miranda yells to Carrie, "You are living in a fantasy!" And that is like ringing in my ears. I realize once the fantasy is gone, what then becomes the reality.
Somewhere, somehow, in my life I believe I kind of entered a fantasy love world. It became some kind of coping mechanism for me. I would create a picture in my mind, and then attempt to craft that, like a spell, instead of it being real. While fantasy is great for writing and painting and children's parties, and Halloween, and daydreams, it is not real..and just writing that makes me sad, because I like the beauty and innocence of illusion. And I wonder, is it not possible to have what I seek?
So when I wrote her a quick note, I told her I lived in an illusion and now I am disillusioned, and realized I am not sure if I had strung those two words together yet. I have lived in an illusion for y e a r s. I don't know if I knew, maybe on some level, and tried h a r d e r and h a r d e r to keep that illusion going, for without it, then I just poof into a fine mist of unreality. I really really do feel like I am waking up, every day, like I cannot escape "waking up" and it is really difficult to examine my illusion without the rose colored glasses I wore for so long.
So now I am disillusioned. I went from a lovely illusion I created, to an ugly dis illusion, one I don't want. Now I know I have referenced Sex and the City before, but there was a line in an episode I recently watched as well, and Miranda yells to Carrie, "You are living in a fantasy!" And that is like ringing in my ears. I realize once the fantasy is gone, what then becomes the reality.
Somewhere, somehow, in my life I believe I kind of entered a fantasy love world. It became some kind of coping mechanism for me. I would create a picture in my mind, and then attempt to craft that, like a spell, instead of it being real. While fantasy is great for writing and painting and children's parties, and Halloween, and daydreams, it is not real..and just writing that makes me sad, because I like the beauty and innocence of illusion. And I wonder, is it not possible to have what I seek?
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