Funny, well not really "funny" but a month or so ago I was glad to approach September, I don't know I measure all time these days, with "is there anything significant about the month, any days" and of course there are tons of them. September was kind of nice though in that respect, there was nothing to get me all worked up. All in all I have been okay with September.
But just yesterday I was ruminating on October, and realized it is a huge month for me, it is the anniversary of my first date with my now ex husband (well both, but the first husband is so long ago, that is just does not crumble me anymore) but anyhow...there is this date looming out there. Sounds silly, but we always celebrated it, in some form or another. It almost had the most significance out of any other date for us, perhaps the arrival of our daughter trumps it, and in some ways was more important than our wedding. I don't know, that first date thing, when it becomes the beginning of something, that is a very powerful thing.
So now I struggle a bit with the month of October.
The other night I was reading, yes my vampire story..and I dozed off, like really out, and there was a dream, but it was more like stepping back in time, and we were talking and he was bar b quing and then like being sucked back into present, I really was sucked right out of that reverie or whatever it was, so much so, that I gasped myself awake and for a split second had to remember my present, where I was, etc..It was really weird, like time travel, seriously.
So now I love only in my memories and my fantasy of what I thought I had. It is a tough place to be. I WISH I was like women we see out there, who cannot stand the guy and say "good riddance" at the top of their lungs, and MEAN it and don't give a flying f. How liberating that would be. I am just not there. I am there in many ways in the intellectual sense, very much so, but on the emotional side, it is like I am in a whole different book, I think I have said that before, and I just cannot make myself get out of the book. Again, living in my fantasies. I told someone the other day that I played with Barbie until I was 14--and there was a chuckle, there always is, and I always say "I still would today if I could" and that is a pretty good representation of me. Totally not prepared or ready for the big ugly world, always disappointed in people's behaviors and actions, and, I don't know, I stare ahead and have run out of words..
My first date, my fantasy began squarely on that evening and never went away. It would be almost comical if it wasn't so sad, well I suppose it is both. Really.
But just yesterday I was ruminating on October, and realized it is a huge month for me, it is the anniversary of my first date with my now ex husband (well both, but the first husband is so long ago, that is just does not crumble me anymore) but anyhow...there is this date looming out there. Sounds silly, but we always celebrated it, in some form or another. It almost had the most significance out of any other date for us, perhaps the arrival of our daughter trumps it, and in some ways was more important than our wedding. I don't know, that first date thing, when it becomes the beginning of something, that is a very powerful thing.
So now I struggle a bit with the month of October.
The other night I was reading, yes my vampire story..and I dozed off, like really out, and there was a dream, but it was more like stepping back in time, and we were talking and he was bar b quing and then like being sucked back into present, I really was sucked right out of that reverie or whatever it was, so much so, that I gasped myself awake and for a split second had to remember my present, where I was, etc..It was really weird, like time travel, seriously.
So now I love only in my memories and my fantasy of what I thought I had. It is a tough place to be. I WISH I was like women we see out there, who cannot stand the guy and say "good riddance" at the top of their lungs, and MEAN it and don't give a flying f. How liberating that would be. I am just not there. I am there in many ways in the intellectual sense, very much so, but on the emotional side, it is like I am in a whole different book, I think I have said that before, and I just cannot make myself get out of the book. Again, living in my fantasies. I told someone the other day that I played with Barbie until I was 14--and there was a chuckle, there always is, and I always say "I still would today if I could" and that is a pretty good representation of me. Totally not prepared or ready for the big ugly world, always disappointed in people's behaviors and actions, and, I don't know, I stare ahead and have run out of words..
My first date, my fantasy began squarely on that evening and never went away. It would be almost comical if it wasn't so sad, well I suppose it is both. Really.
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